Melancholy

is just an impressive, nice sounding word to describe depression. Yet, its depth is unimaginably intangible.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to push you into the abyss of deject. Others requires an elephant to drag you over the edge.

Today is the former.

In essence, I'd just say ties are not all the world; they may even be the rocky pebble to stumble your step. In any case, I love home life.

The matter with SOME PEOPLE

Sometimes, in the prime of your youth, you commit yourself to a mistake. When you eradicate yourself of it, your mistake tags after you till you're so sick of it still.

Such mistakes are often (I say often, NOT all) romantically or socially. In my case, its the former.

When I first ended things, I thought he will be gracious enough to be a man and let go. But time and time again, he proves himself to be childish and irritating; which makes me even more glad to have the foresight to leave him.

Much as I misled myself into thinking being friends will be good and solve the problem of him still pestering me after a year plus, it proves futile. And most importantly, it irritates me to read half-fucked sentiments on MSN and this person pretends its nothing.

I no longer harbour naive feelings about this person. It only irritates me so because I hate people who attempts to stop my life and make me feel guilty for living a life without him.

So, to this person, you know who you are, GET A LIFE or you're out of mine.

If you have a Facebook account and you added the "Worthiness" application, chances are you will be mailed every single day telling you someone on earth thinks you are worthy.

However, what are the chances that someone you really care for thinks you worthy of them?

What are the chances that this someone treats you with the worthiness you deserve?

What are the chances of you being shown with actions that you're worth as much as they claim verbally?

Quite slim.

For girls like me, its kinda impossible.

So I closed my door on my confusing thoughts.

Solitude.

Following the last post, I'll start reading like an old broken track.

Seeing as its a slow moving night, I decided to mull over the what-happened and what-to-do-now.

To begin with, love isn't at all simple. Everything in life has never been simple. Whoever says they just want a simple life, you are cheating yourself of the truth.

It isn't simple pursuing the paperchase. It isn't simple giving up the paperchase for a dream. It isn't simple to give up a chance for a cushy job for a job which requires all your life. It isn't simple when you're not paid enough. It's not simple when you're misunderstood. It's not simple to be in a relationship. It certainly isn't simple to maintain it. It's extremely difficult to keep your love and faith when you are constantly misunderstood and not listened to.

When male ego shuts off all ears and sprouts out its nonsense, its plain irritating. When male pride cuts off two sided communication and insists on one, its plain hurting. When big macho assumes a simple "Sorry" will sweep all unheard words under the carpet, I am simply nothing but silence.

What compounds my silence further was the fact that I just reminded him of my stand just before the incident. AGAIN.

This is getting so tiring. This cycle is just so exhausting. I've no patience on this treadmill anymore. I'm running out of excuses to protect someone, who doesnt show he deserves it, from people who are hoping to protect me.

Seriously. What now. What now after all those big talk and small actions. What now.

I said, "How much does a man need to have in his bank, before he need not consider any fiancial limitations? Before he can simply get what he wants without even a glance at the price tag? Before he can buy whatever he wants because nothing is too expensive anymore?"

What is so difficult to understand about that?

What is so unfathomable about my question?

And I was pointed at like a little kid and put in my place and told to(in what it was supposed to be "just a slightly louder voice" ) that I'm just as bad as any tom, dick and harry because I'll never be happy with what I have.

Which question suggests that I'm looking for this kind of money?? When did curiosity become so misunderstood??

Whoever said being a teacher is fulfilling, enchanting, exciting, thrilling, satisfying also forgot to mention tired-out, terribly worn-out, never ending work load, tedious markings and lesson preparations and all those irritating elements which comes with teaching.

No offence, but some kids are just born with an irritating face with a know-all attitude. And when you're the exhausted teacher with aching feet, you'll feel like telling those little brats to shut up and go home too.

Dear Lord, I thank You for the TREMENDOUS effort and restraint you granted in those times ofDIRE SEVERE EXTREMELY-NEEDED moments. Amen.

Grievances of the week:
My feet developed two hard painful lumps on the ankles (yes both of them!). Not to mention the almost always present headache and nausea. I damn well sound like some gigantic pregnant things walking on the streets. OH YUCKS!

Teacher is such a pro-aging job.

IN WHICH MOMENT OF INSANITY DID I AGREE TO TEACH????

I sincerely apologise for the lack of life.

I am, after all, dying a slow and PAINFUL social death.

Everyday is basically wake up, work, eat, work, drink, work, work, work, home, gonk out and the whole cycle repeats itself all over again. Though I chose this professional myself, I'm beginning to wonder if I am cut out to be a teacher. No doubt that I have a passion for children and teaching (and when you combine these two, you get a teacher), I find myself fighting time tooth and nail just to have my bare minimal social life.

From the weekly beer and fun and merriment to once-in-a-million-zillion-year relaxation, I find myself turning into a spider and I am not at all pleased. I'm all of 20 and I have to have a place to exert all these energy NOT ONLY on children, but also CLUB. Just tying this word makes me all hyped up! I havent boogie into ANY club for the LONGEST period of my life!

The only club I went to was some french club I brought Primary kids to today. To watch "The Little Red Hen." Hardly me. The only similarity between these two clubs? They are all dim.

But just as I sat with all these profound thoughts swarm up my mind, I heard a girl answering the character's question of "What do you need in order for the seed to grow into a plant?"

Almost all children shouted all the basic needs like water, sunlight.

One in particular proclaimed "LOTS OF LOVE."

I was thinking, "Woah woooooowwwwwwwww..........I forgot I've got to love my plants too."

As we grow older, as our worlds turn from simply black&white to grey, as we gobble up knowledge stated in textbooks, as we look at things superficially, we forgot about our basic human need, love.

In such instances, you may suddenly get jerked out of your lament of your-oh-so-horrible fate by one simple innocent reminder. Or you may continue to dwell in your drowning self-pity.

But I was kept thinking about the remark even now, 2hours later and I think it reminds me of my call to teaching. Therefore, I am sitting at my work desk at this hour now, telling you my enlightenment, happily completing my work.