Say hi to Daddy Cool.



Me: "Hmmmmm where's daddy?"


Bro: "Eh think he keeping his stuff."


Mom: "There! Ah Pui ar!"


Daddy: "I'm in 2nd! Waiting to play in step ladder! Wait hor you all."


Mom:"WAH! How much prize money AR?"


Daddy: "Die die got $1250"



So we missed the 12games in order to catch Nikki's singing competition in Chai Chee. Gotta to show the support for my niece! About that another time.


My daddy cool is more important. Hea....


As he wait for the victor of 4th, 5th and 6th positions to play against him in Step Ladder 2, he told us that he felt wozzy. His body was like jelly. And he needed a smoke very badly to ease his nervousness. God knows how many nicotine he has already infected his lungs with that morning.


Everybody burst into laughter at his win by a pin for that game. As said, my daddy is heng kao lao sai (loosely translated, he's damn lucky like shit) His smile broke through his relief then and he garnered a crowd for his final play coz of his dramatic win.


By the time he was in for the final game against the one in 1st position, all the old men were rooting for him. As the saying goes, birds of the same feather flock together. Its only natural old birds supported him!


I'm not exaggerating when I say the crowd held its breath at Daddy's last frame. The ladies finished their games first so practically every soul in the place were watching this familiar old man step onto the lane. EVERYfreakingBODY was focused on the pins, on the black figure, and holding our breaths to either groan or cheer.


First strike: All the old men cheered.
Second strike: I went "YEEESSSSSSAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" a bit too loudly. oops!
Third strike: The crowd clapped the house down and I think I jumped a bit too much. hm....at least i guess that explains my slightly shaky heels.


My daddy cool!

The much coverted Trophies. The big one's for Champion. He took part in Men's Seniors n got third position too.

Look at THAT SMILE!

Alright I know you love to look at my daddy cool.

Here's his handsome cool winning pose!!

Sometimes, its best to simply take things at its face value. To simply discard the caution and be superficial. To just be stupid even as you know you are cheated on. To act dumb when they spit outrageous lies in your face.

I really dont wish to be that. But it seems I better do.

ALONE

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view. ---Edgar Allan Poe

Indeed as you watched others' lives unfold, you condemn and bang on the invisible glass wall dividing both of you repeatedly, all the while shouting at the inanimate figure standing on the opposite glass, making the decisions you forbid them from.

Why dont you see the merits,
Why wont you see?
Do you mean to tell me,
Your decision is better than this?
I've pointed you the direction,
Why wont you take it?

But how many times have you asked that person,

What do you see lying,
So enticing beyond your choice?
Were you swayed by your reasons,
Or lured over in daze?
Have you made certain,
That your best is within?
If not so sure of your decision,
Why not listen to me?

I would persuade thus, coz I want to be convinced this way. I dont wish to be defensive, or sensitive to unintentional jabs. But I cant stare anyone right in the eye, and deny it doesnt get me every time. And so on this night, I am thinking.

If you placed on an offbeat path, separated from everyone else, by no one else but Fate itself, you would have committed some faults, would have err-ed and been wronged. But you'd learn to dust off the dirt and stem the superficial cuts. For you know nothing will strike you down, as it did the first time round. For they are all superficial. And they will heal as the cut on your knee. So you lay your head on the pebble as pillow for night, to conserve for the cunning walk ahead.

Funnily enough, I found the verbal bruises, unintentional as they were, are hurting me more than I care to say.

I may not conform to your idea of who I should have been, of which I should portray. But at least I've got my integrity to make up for my sense. I used to be proud of it.

Yet now, I find it hindering me. For too much integrity breeds pride, which masks my insecurity. Once insecurity clings onto its cause, there goes all the careful facades. It will either all fall into a pile of sticks or translate into another picture, another which I can't let go of. I doubt if I can ever.

Therefore, much as I'd love to eradicate myself of such a problem, it has proven to be impossible. For it would require a part of me I can't let go. Nor would I be willing to release.

As such the entry is confusing, the night is entering morn. My thoughts are just as halved as those night clouds swirling and mixing into dawn. So I'm up till this very moment to think things through on my own.

Thus my reason for staying up till wee hours: To think about everything I worry.

To be as worrisome as I am, its little wonder I cant sleep.

"why wasn't i made for you boy?
but it's silly asking how did we fall in love?
cause all the fairytales aren't true but,
i will lie you one to keep this coming back."
- Deputy Siren, .

There isnt a day I'd need to lie in exchange for simply mouthed platitudes. Non. Not at all.

I wish my life were a kaleidoscope, changing at will, shaping at whim. But life isnt always the case. More often than not, we were thrown the elements, left to brave out the storm without anything but ourselves.

& the best lesson withstanding all of time, is to leave the victim to face out the prosecutors of their pain.

So, even if I am irritated at certain people's biased takes on their supposed "love" life, even when I know those cheapskates who call themselves my "friends", simply wants a ride on my life, I am only going to stay silent and let them on my board.

I'll be your beautiful stranger, a beautiful illusion in exchange for a moment of carefree laughters.

Because I know at the end of the day, I have nothing to want for.

Unlike them.

With this new address, I hope it means a change of me.

I hope it means I'm no longer open to those I dont wish to know, have no wish to continue knowing and do not desire to keep in touch with.

I noticed my flunctuating moods. I kept most in check. I strived to sit on grim and plaster a smile.

But I'm not without emotions.

No matter how much suppression, it leaks to the surface. With the pressure on, it all but explodes right in the face of the perpetrator.

I refuse to let that happen once again. To wait till all the negative emotions boil over and a reversal to -what used to be- is no longer possible.

And so I have decided to detach myself and just let them flow over me before coming to a decision.

P.S. Here's to address your concerns.
When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught
And in pain without anyone

When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find you way home
Your can get there alone
It's okay

Once you say
"I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain"

-if i can last all those times, I can carry on my life this time. It will just be another fall, another attempt, another scar. But in time, it will heal again. Just this will take longer than the rest. Coz I have finally put in all I have.

But I cant stop till I've got what I want.-

As the saying goes, "Procastination is the root of all backlog."

Since its the 22nd wedding anniversary of mama&papa, they decided the family should go out dinner. Sort of a mini-holiday for the Tan family, all of us slept till 4pm before raising up for our meal of the day.

With all the dressing up and making-ing up, Enen arrived to join us for the impromptu dinner.

Silly faces.
She told me I cant bite her. But I still felt angry at her for crumpling my red dress & attempting to tear my stockings.

The failed attempt to capture the kiss. Note her open mouth.

The kiss was done after 5attempts.

My best friend is the stupid yellow dog.

She ignored papa when he asked to have a look at her spiderman vcd. After much persuasion and praises, she decided to tell him about the red and black spiderman. I didnt understand her half the time, not to mention my dad.We went to East Coast for our dinner. Hong Kong Cafe serves pretty decent food.

As all of us were busy studying the menu, Enen decided to try at ordering for herself too. she flipped through here, ran through there. Looking very very very seriously at the complicated thing, she asked me why got words? Pics can already ma! She listened to all our advice, she pondered for quite some time.


But she still couldn't quite decide what to have.

Frankly, neither does both the men in my life.

(Look at the frown on papa's face. He's not mad with the menu or the prices, but coz we took his attention away from soccer just to place an order) While all of them crack their heads about dinner, I got a little bored.

When Enen finally pointed to her dinner, it was aimed at a pic of banana slices with ice cream. She justified her choice by stating "My mommy say I can eat ice cream."There the men again. Soccer. Again. & again. & again!

She fell asleep waiting for her silly banana ice cream. I had to finish it up.
There was a big Spiderman on parade as we were accompanying her on the ferris wheel. This Ah Beng hoisted the huge spiderman on his shoulders and attracted the delight of all the children on site.

Including my silly Enen. When we mentioned home, she told me, "I can go home with spiderman. My mommy say I can."

-_-''

I think I prefer these black and white shots. It covers every nauseating ugly bits of my face.

I feel disconnected from everything. from everybody, from every piece of me. I wonder when this mood will end.

I hate myself at times like this.

I bought a book recently. It's called Undomestic Goddess.

It's all about a successful London lawyer who ran off to the countryside to be a domestic help. She didnt know wheat from flour. Neither does she have any idea about cotton, silk, satin and chiffon. Yet she found herself after forgoing a 500perhour job for a 40perhour job.

I wish I have a place to run off to and find myself after each fiaso. I wish I were a domestic help who found her love in a wide arc of garden. I wish I can be a chef and curtsey to my M'am as she dictate the menu.

I also wish I can dig a hole six feet under.
Lie there forever.
& just forget the world.

We took another trip to Paisley&Cream accidentally on Halloween itself. Thus the accidental discovery of the Halloween Cupcakes.

I'm the white ghost coz I'm white and ghostly half the time. He's Frankenstein coz he's ghastly and nonsensical all the time. We devoured them all in 15mins!

6months passed just like dat. From the moment school closed for year 1, to the time came for my Practicum in school, to the beginning of school year 2 and now, the close of year 2. closer to 7months actually.

That's how long I've been with Andy. We had our big arguments. We went through the motions of the courting dance; movie, dinner, shopping. The endless rounds of things-to-do. The ceaseless meals and restaurants we wish to try.

From the time I was late for dinner to the times he had to leave for work, its been 7months of being together.

I miss my Baby now.