I'm so freaking bored, I played House of Dead 3times over, constructed three billionaire Sim's homes, gone shopping with mama, rot my insides out with cookies and just lie in the middle of nowhere for an hour, obstructing the path of my parents.

One damn big sigh!!!!!

So I on my webcam for Jassy and he can hear everything over my mic! But i have no idea how to off it. So basically he heard me laughing my head off and chided me off for using PMS as an excuse for ..... (private).

I feel so restless nowadays with nothing to do, nothing to occupy me, nothing nothing nothing. To put it mildly, I am so darn bored even sitting is an occupation now. So I resorted to chatting. Which brings to mind People.

No girls can walk out of any place feeling 100% confidence. It just is in our nature. But what's even worse is the innate rising of inadequacies.

L is for the way you look at me.
When a guy stares, anybody's first reaction, "Is there something on my face or teeth?" I worry about my clothes, shoes, bag, face everytime I step out. Do I measure up to the benchmark set by magazines? Does everything match up to a style? Is there anything out of place? I swear its impossible to pass by anybody and not compare. I dont know about you, but I do. Jes and I spent hours looking at those stick insects crossing our paths, Ting and I firmly believe either there's something wrong with our DNA makeup or those stick insects dont eat at all. So, tell me why you look at me.

O is for the only one I see.
Sometimes I wonder what does him/her see in him/her? What makes a beautiful person fall for an ugly duckling? There must be something special within. I witness a little dot of a girl hugging/touching/kissing her toad of a bf just. And I cant help but wonder what is it like to love that toad so much to withstand kissing that toad? What is it like to go to bed with him? At that thought, I just shuddered and turn away. Im not suggesting Im the best of my kind. But if anything, I look presentable at least. Kissing/hugging/going to bed with me shouldnt scar anyone permanently. I admire that girl. All my due respect!

V is very very extraordinary!
Everybody needs a chemistry to get a relationship going. But how do you explain this chemistry? I cant explain it too. When edmund asked how do I tell when I'm in love, I was at a lost. To Jes, verbal assurance is just that, verbal. Anybody with a glib tongue can paint you the world. But when someone misses you and buys you all the thing you crave at your whip, that's solid confirmation of his affection for you. To Ting, its being able to have understand each other . He can do everything he thought you want, and you just wont be moved. But he can just say what's on your mind, you'll be melted ice cream in his palms.

E is even more than anyone that you adore.
When you meet someone you adore, you throw all caution to the wind and to hell with consequences. When you adore him/her, you just make all time for her and her alone.
Adoration: fervent, devoted love.
How many times do you devote yourself to someone only to be betrayed? It isnt the best feeling in the world, but somehow the worst always finds its way to your door.
Is it that hard to find someone to adore you? No I dont think so. What is so difficult is learning to pick him out from the sea of unknowns.

Love is more than just a game for two. Two in love can make it. Take my heart but please dont break it. Love is meant for me and you.
Seriously, dont ever break anybody's heart. Though I in no position to preach this, it is still what I have to say. Dont break people's heart coz you wont want yours broken too. What can be worse is when your heart didnt shatter instantly, but peeled off layer by layer by disappointments. The torment of deciding pulling out this thorn or leaving it in to infect your heart. Your heart aches. Your heart breaks. When it does, cry and scream all you want. But have it stuck together together. Love again. For if there's anything worth living for, its being able to love and be loved again. You are one step closer to your Right One. I'd say, rejoice! Love is a many splendid thing. And I certainly wont mind if he put it down in words. BUT actions speaks louder than words, that's what I'll stick by.

What I cant stand is whining about inadequate bfs. If he is, kick him to the curb. Or pull him up to task. Tell him to sms/call you if he doesnt. Inform him about your insecurities if that's nagging you. Drop him a line to tell him you miss him if he doesnt. Do something! Telling me wont help anything! Im not your bf for god's sake! Dont play games with a complicated set of rules. Shyness holds you back from telling him about his missing smses, sms him! Guys get a hint at some point. In any case, get over yourself!

Another matter althogether, but if you want a sugardaddy, its really preferrable to get someone whom you do know. After all, time spent together yeilds some understanding. Meet, shop, he pay for your expenses, you pay back with the horizontal dance. Simple. You know what buttons to push, no new territories to explore. Most importantly, you can cut the coy act and tell him what you want straight to the face.

So hey, I want that Bebe dress okies?

3 new shoes and one donut to boot. Ending my day.

At least I know I will be occupied tomorrow whole day! Eddie and Shuan day!

P.S. If I pick up the phone with a very hooligan WHAT, dat's just the PMS talking. Pardon me!

Of all times menses has to make it appearance, it chose yesterday. Yesterday of all days when I just want to go out and go crazy. With the ice creams and jug of iced tea, Im lucky I made it back home.

Compared to our taiwan craze, i dont think there's any changes save those thick clothes then...

Such a big group. It feels that we are on tour again, dispersing all over the place. Tried this dress with Jamie and TingTing. Funny that I'm itching over the Bebe dress. I keep seeing the dress. Jamie! Save me!!! And it does look teacher-ish! Jes and I had no problem looking for teacher style, cannot go wrong kind of dress. Plenty of it! They remind me of my chinese teachers though. None which looks nice AND teacher-ish. And I found it!! So shall I......

Too bad, the dinner ended late. And my cramps were killing me. All the ice cream with Baby and cold stuff with yous just isnt that nice to the period. Otherwise we could have gone bar hopping. There's more other times anyway...

Sorry Kalyn Ting! Next time u ask me, I'm going to club with u! But u settle the one at home, she's still a bit sore over my wild night story. Dance for me the next time. Eddie cant wait to dirty dance with us again....hm....

Anyway I cut my hair again. Coz I couldnt stand my fringe. And also coz I was so bored waiting for my mama to be done. So i decided i want a straight fringe. She calls me stupid now. But the hairdresser seems quite happy.

"Miss, you are suited for a lot of hair styles lei. Next time you come back, I cut another one."

"ok...."

"Miss, you schooling or studying?"

"Schooling"

"WHERE??"He practically shouted into my ear Britney's Baby Hit Me One More Time.

"Orh going to be teacher. NIE"

"Wah!!! Teacher AR! I feel so boring now!" Yes he is very very boring. I dont understand, why is it that people are replacing bored with boring! Boring means u bore people, bored means u r feeling bored. I feel like telling him to learn proper english!

"So....how come not dating....?"

At this point, my mama turned to another stupid hairdresser, "Oei, what you looking at? Its rude to stare". And both idiots shut up and did their jobs for once. Luckily my hair turned out fine.

That makes three idiots in two days. The other one "So do you want to be friends?" "Oh i have enough." "Nvm, more friends is good." "My husband wont like it. I'm married." Flashed the ring and he slunked off. Asshole.

I crave for. cheesecake. corn muffin. chocolate donuts.

If I can get a sugardaddy to pay for my shopping.my bills.my food.a car.prada lg. manicure.pedicure. I'll die a happy girl. WHERE IS THAT!!!

Let me tell you my little secret.

I'm with dear old Technician and that's the baby you find speckled in recent entries.

*gasp*

okies. there you go! Night dearies~ Sorry for repeating myself AGAIN. But bfs....(i rolled my eyes for ur benefit, save yourself the effort).

Blessing in disguise.

Jes makes the 3rd person this week to tell me I motivated her to shop. Coz I buy things whenever I shop. And I buy things which I like a lot! Today makes one of the best shopping ever. Shoes, clothes, earrings, hair band. I like each and every piece.

A bit nonsensical since I like everything I ever bought.

BUT today just feels different. Maybe its the cool weather. Maybe its the rain. Maybe its Jes. Maybe its the shopping. Maybe its the Meritus chicken rice.

Or maybe its just my Baby.

If you dont tell lies, at least you dont have to remember what you said-jared of Jes.

Such a depressingly lovely day.

After the seafood last night, we should be very tired. Instead, mama and I didnt get a wink of sleep. She - too high on chinese tea. Me- the horrible blocked nose and sore throat. So we ate up the butter spongecakes and the half of elmo's body. By 4am, we've gone through the fridge. I finished up Pi Pa Gao along the way as well.

By 6am, we were too hyper to sit and wait for the house to come alife. So came showering and make-up-ing time. Only to dilly dally coz we thought we have so much time. And made me almost late for the briefing. 15mins. A $20 cab fare for a bloody 15mins briefing.

Only the retail therapy saved the day. Since its mama's birthday, I sponsored most of the shopping and we had so many many xiao long baos! Was tearing into my cup of tea half the time. It's irritating to have a sneeze tease you relentlessly while you try to hold it in in case you spew rice all over the table and your partner. In the end, the waitresses switched places for us and raised the temperature. NOW that's real class treatment. Vivo Crystal Jade. Nice aunties. Damn attentive.

Worked the mall twice and finally I couldnt stand it anymore. So back we are! My eyes can barely stay open. Even the fan proves too much. I swear I will sleep till I'm buried in softies.

My nose and throat will kill me before anything.

Dont ask me about anything yet. I'm grasping straws myself.

Btw, happy birthday mommy!

I've got half of Elmo's body in my fridge.

Dont worry. I didnt turn physco overnight and killed my elmo.

The elmo body sitting in my fridge is actually my niece's cake. The elmo is 3D. I ate up the feet last night. Cant get enough of cakes. So I took half of its body home as well. Devour him slllooooowllly.

What a night! I feel I'm getting so bloody old, talking to the nieces.

THEY say

• boys with thick lips are good kissers
• boys who are rich are better boyfriends
• hps are part of fashion
• girls should always be with a boy as a boyfriend

When I was 11, I look a nerd and sat at my table studying. I was crazy over tamagochi and Mighty Morph Power Ranges. My cousins and I jumped around at every given opportunity talking to "Zodone" from our Power Rangers watches.

I did a tonne more stupid stuff. But definitely not trying to secure myself a bf or staring into the mirror 24/7. Not crushing on boys a few years ahead. Not going gaga over super idols who looks like beautiful girls. Not staring at my aunts from head to toe and pick their dressing apart. Not transferring songs from mp3s in the phones. HELL I didnt even have a hp till I'm 15. And even then! It was a stupid colourless, blue lit silver phone called Nokia 8250. No colours. No cameras. No songs. Mp3 and hp were two separate things. Now! Their hps are much more advanced than mine.

And while the last of cousins and I laughed ourselves silly with the nieces, the old girls a table away shriek in horrified delight at a Snow White Hentai. (Xuxu, Jiao Jiao, my mama told me its Snow White! I didnt see it! but ur mama was the most excited!WHAHAHA) Some things juz wont change. Girls will always want to have some naughty fun. Even OLD girls. (Too bad we were banned from watching cousies!!)

Then there's the decapitating Elmo part. As all of us merrily sang Happy Birthday to my two baby nieces, poor old Elmo sat with his head trembling slightly from all the commotion around the table. With the blowing of the candles, down came its hands and feet! Then its time to pull off its poor shaky head. With Yuki claiming its eyes and nose. Poor old Elmo.....I shall say a prayer for him.

I would thought that makes quite a night. Until one of my cousin-in-law decided to drag me off to club and drink with her. Telling me to go implant false lashes to have doll-like lashes every moment (no more need of mascara or eyeliner!) and to have hair extensions done (so I'll finally have long hair). Then we'll go club together!~ I cant believe she told my mama I shouldnt be home on a sat night (I havent been home on a sat night since I was with baby but she doesnt know that). She will get me going crazy in the clubs.

SO my mama wont even let me go clubbing now! Coz after hearing my wildest night out, she decided I'm too open for fun! I didnt even kiss a guy or further with any guys in the club. I merely jumped on him. And that is too dangerous....-_-''....I hope she will persaude my mama soon....I'm missing the wild life...In the mean time, I guess I can really go have my lashes and hair done!

To clarify, I wasnt upset yesterday. I think I've got the flu bug that's been going round so wasnt feeling very stable. Spent the whole of today sleeping coz I was coughing and sniffing the whole of last night.

Naf "So how you're going to school tomorrow? Public transport? Meet at boon lay?"

Me "What public transport?"

Briefing at 1030 in school with Prof tml morning. Think school's the cause of all these coughing. Stress. I'm taking cab. Dont expect me to walk with the headache squahing what little of my brains.

P.S. I've been invited to take NTU student debit! Tml!!

P.P.S. Am I taken or not taken?

Disappointment, such a fimilar word.

I stand in front of a shelf of disappointments everyday. Its in my bags, in my notes, in my room, in my home, in my school, in myself. What about you?

Girls feed on untruth. Boys?

I feed on disappointment. I grow on disappointment. I am disappointment personified.

And I wonder why? My face says "disappoint me"? Or do I seem like I enjoy being disppointed?

This is getting nowhere. I'm getting incoherent as it is. I shall return to bed. And bury myself all over again in disappointment in my mind.

I swear, one day, either I'll be so done with all these tidal emotions and be alone or I'll suffocate on disappointment.

ALRIGHT! My bao bei of 3years called up for minutes of bitching. But STILL, it IS bitching.

And its bitching with him. No, her. No, he-she. Identity crisis.

That's not the point. The point is the Changi Naval Base Open House next weekend. Whereby he promised me a ride in his God-knows-what-vehicle. With the men in uniform. OOO-lala~

And also to catch up a bit on each other. Everytime I pick up his calls, I hear his excitement down the line and blah blah blah goes the list of guys grovelling at his feet.

It all happens in the base. In the camp.

Does deprivation of REAL females really drive testerone to absurb desires?

Kindly please tell me, guys.

Another thing. I see this cycle repeating itself in front of my eyes over and over again. It seems the worst attitudes shown in relationships makes the other party drooling for more. And whatever for?? More torture.

But I'm glad he's got a rich boy. Even if he's just taken on a ride. What shit of an excuse is "Hey babe, I really love you but I cant really love you coz ur a guy you know?"

No I don't. How about YOU tell me? Men!

I love you. I dont love you. Come here. Go away. "Miss you like crazy." Then MIA for a week.

But anyway proposal came up. MARRIAGE proposal (what else can it be??) He's got a rich guy whose daddy owns bakery. And since I'm BFF and I positively cant live without chocolate donuts, he assured me I'll get my lifetime of supply! YEA!!! NOW that's cause for celebrations!

Back to the proposal, Eddie/Irene hopes he will be given a diamond ring baked in a bread! BAKED IN A BREAD. hm......hey, if I find the 24 carat diamond ring in my chocolate donut, he's proposing to me right??

Anyway, I've decided I wont marry unless I've got a 24carat blue princess-cut diamond ring. From Cartier. Otherwise please just stick to the stick insects I keep seeing on Orchard Road.

What do you do when the rain's beating on the windows, inviting you to bed?
Sleep.

Except I cant fall asleep. Even though Im so damn tired.

Why am I so tired when I'm sitting on my fat ass 24/7 during school vacation?
I'm too light a sleeper to ever really sleep properly except when someone sleeps with me. Eternal fear of darkness. Dont ask me. My parents must have scarred me permanently when they decided horror movies are meant for 7yr olds.

So here I am, re-booting the worn Xiao Hei for the 28253564354time today. I can;t believe he's with me for less than a year and yet his sparepart is faulty.

Which brings to mind I cant believe my new Z610i has been with me for less than 2months and its already faulty.

Is it me? Or is it them?

Alright. It's me.

And I just realised some smses are not sent coz i didnt pay my bill. And I'm down to my freaking ---. dollar And there's the hall bills.

I need money. I need a job. Without CPF contribution. I need a life.

And screw you Desmond, I'm spoken for. Now bugger off.

What is to be loved, to love and to have loved?

Seriously, I dont know. What I do know is when I love, I love. Simply as that.

To be loved.

• When someone calls you every day/night/minute/second/hour, coz ur voice is soothing.
• When smses keep pouring in from this someone, coz he simply misses you.
• When he'll walk through fire, swim through floods, drive through valcano larva just to glance at you. (or simply drive 10times up and down his place and your place to have a glance at you)
• When he designates a day for you, coz ur in his plans.

To love.

• Missing this person 24/7, never on a break.
• Enjoys every date even from the moment you were friends.
• Keeping his smses coz its juz so "Sweet"
• Link your names on paper with a big heart drawn ard it (okies, fine, it only happens if ur 12 and ur a girl)
• Cant wait for the next date coz its nice to see him again
• Change through a zillion billion outfits coz every piece of clothing is "just not right"
• Waiting to know what he is up to every minute of the day (which is an indication that ur turning into a stalker. STOP here)

To have loved

• To have broken someone's heart gently but still tracking his/her life
• To have your heart broken but looked to it as a lesson (after scratching his face out on all pics/burnt all his possessions/called him up drunk one night after he dumped you and begged him to take you back/smeared his name by sending out all the love emails he sent coz God forbid anyone who still WRITES a love letter on PAPER in this age and era)

So basically. Yea. Those are my confessions. Happy guiding your life according to mine.

I'm my Baby's.

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

I'm my Baby's.

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

Thanks you, I've got a mess to clear tomorrow. What's the use of promises if you meant to break it everytime I say something unpleasing to you?

Now, thanks to you, I'm screwed for tomorrow.

The only thing I have to be happy about is my baby (she's finally here!) and Technician is back for me to disturb.

Hard Candy. Jean Seberg.

Alright I think I will be getting new books. There's ants on my ass.

OR Jer mentioned something about SimsModel. His surprises are so predictable. (Not that its a bad thing) Anyways, that's a ride for me down to hall to return my keys! Yea!

Nowadays, its sleep.eat.teach.chat.date. Repeat itself tenfold over, you get my life roughly.

P.S. Babe, I miss us so let's swim more often. Take care of that cut of urs. I'm waiting to thrash that asshole of a lifeguard with u! --oh darling darling staaaand by me--

It's late and I sit by the phone,
willing it to come to life;
Blaring the misses sent over the line.
A tonne in my head,
one chasing its case.
When you're back here to stay,
I'll make you my day.
Even if I'll be gone in a daze,
my hand will be in yours at the end of the chase.

P.P.S. Yes, I shall miss my baby dearly.