After a year, it came to this.

A relationship doesnt involve much. A promise here and there, a gift to bribe or bare, a hushed "I love you" to get out fast and then a kiss to make the words more realistic. Sex doesn't come into the picture. Sex is the whole picture.

The notion of true love is obnoxious. Where can one pinpoint the cupid's target? Which pair of hands exudes the most coupledom? What criteria does one need to be struck unconscious? If love is empowering, why does it make us blind?

Last generation believe in purity and cultivating Love. Like its some seed requiring care and nourish. The only seed I see comes from a stupid bag called scrotum. They say there's SEX sex and then there's sex sex. One for casual, one for love. Its a lie they give in to. A lie they sold me long ago. I know better.

Once, someone broke my heart but never shattered it completely. And that is the cruelest thing to do to somebody. It broke it into one thousand parts. So that piece by piece it flaked off. Like bad paint off summer Singapore wall. Carrying off fragments of the hopeful, optimistic me that I once was.

I need a detergent to wipe off the stains. I indulge in the forbidden act. Sometimes the heart needs mindless sex to chase its foolish notions out of existence. And to remember the real world it lives in.

If anything, relationships prove to be tiring. The worst relationships are the ones that wear away at you by attrition. One modest disappointment after another. A neglected call. A missed dinner date. A forgotten gift. Love isn't always about grand gestures and flowery apologies.Its not about "I'm sorry" or "Why?" for everything.

I'm broken like before. I've failed yet again. I struggle to keep up appearance. Like a bird with a broken wing. Looking out at the sky and wanting to fly but knowing it never will. And so it begins to eat away at its feathers and starve itself in despair. Knowing that the more it destroys itself, the less chances it will have to escape the cage it's in.

My blue sky is dotted with storm clouds.

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I was never a bad child. Not in the sense of homework. I did everything I was told to. No bargains, no sweets to bride me with, no gifts to encourage me. Yet the kids of my time were dutifully slogging through our work diligently.

I cant begin to descride the kind of anger I get when I see everything undone or done without care. I dont shout or scream or berate them. I dont have that right. The parents try to help. But will they believe me or them? Any parent listens to the kid. The tutor is pushy or overeager.

Instead I find myself stoning faced with a kid. Homework never ever completed, corrections drag on and on.

Am I angry coz he slowed my study plan for him? Or am I irritated with him for not being serious about his work? Or am I jealous he had his life easy and yet he's taking everything for granted?

Today is a very very very bad day.

Not that I have any good days anymore.

Ed says its easy money giving tuition. It's not at all.

The kids are lovable, no doubt. But they do the most provoking stuff to you. The smile and grin and laugh. We have enjoyable lessons and go through the books fast. Yet when it comes to homework, either "school got a lot of homework" or "but I very tired lei".

These words transport me all the way back. I couldn't understand why my tutors and parents pushed me so hard back then. Now I'm caught in a dilemma. i used to swear and say I will never do the same pressure breaking practice on any kids. My time came and I find myself pushing them. In essence, I'm nothing like those evil wicthes under the pretense of tutors of course! I'm merely helping my kids strive for their own potential.

To them though, I'm exactly the evil witch. I tried to make up for my negative image by briding them with sweets and stamps and markers and gifts. But it doesnt change the fact that I'm not very nice when it comes to work, does it? how I wish I can be nice AND liked at the same time!

Anyway life has been upsetting. Sometimes human nature behaves like the mind of a woman. I've got what I want, what any girl could possibly have, yet I'm finding myself attempting to topple everything I once held so dear.

OooohH! Wait! Its my pre-PMS again!

Currently acting sophiscated with "Seven types of Ambiguity"

Ed says its easy money giving tuition. It's not at all.

The kids are lovable, no doubt. But they do the most provoking stuff to you. The smile and grin and laugh. We have enjoyable lessons and go through the books fast. Yet when it comes to homework, either "school got a lot of homework" or "but I very tired lei".

These words transport me all the way back. I couldn't understand why my tutors and parents pushed me so hard back then. Now I'm caught in a dilemma. i used to swear and say I will never do the same pressure breaking practice on any kids. My time came and I find myself pushing them. In essence, I'm nothing like those evil wicthes under the pretense of tutors of course! I'm merely helping my kids strive for their own potential.

To them though, I'm exactly the evil witch. I tried to make up for my negative image by briding them with sweets and stamps and markers and gifts. But it doesnt change the fact that I'm not very nice when it comes to work, does it? how I wish I can be nice AND liked at the same time!

Anyway life has been upsetting. Sometimes human nature behaves like the mind of a woman. I've got what I want, what any girl could possibly have, yet I'm finding myself attempting to topple everything I once held so dear.

OooohH! Wait! Its my pre-PMS again!

Currently acting sophiscated with "Seven Types of Ambiguity"

Good news: DaDere-Di got my watches repaired.

BAD news: One of them came back looking different.

Initially, I thought I was just being paraniod. So I took a closer look. Then I went Wham-Bam-Alakazam!

How can a bloody bloody gold strap watch come back with green straps!!

GOLD lei! GOLD straps!

The explanation I got was the original strap gave way, so the owner decided to replace it for me. Ok la, I appreciate the good gesture. But fix it with the same colour mah! I like the colour that's why I bought it ma! Now green colour how am I going to wear!!

May this storm blow off soon.

AIYO! My heart aches!

& he told my dad my other watch is crazy. IT IS CRAZY! It's meant to be crazy. That's why its called CRAZY WATCH! He told my dad the watch dealer cheated my money.

Uncle, TakaShops can con people meh?!?!?!

As if that's not enough, I haven't seen my instructor for so long already! I feel kinda neglected. I think it has affected my driving skills.

Or maybe not.....I'm quite a dangerous driver if truth be told. Even the BigMan cant stand it. Hahahaha!!! He was confident I was a very careful driver. So on that fateful saturday afternoon, he handed me the key to his car. & his LittleNissan flew round the bend with the owner in the passenger seat shouting "Brake! Brake! Brake!"

Almost all instructors have commented on my speed. I try very very VERY hard to control my foot. BUT I just cant find the right speed. After every lesson now, I feel like an inadequate in a strange zone. I desperately hope I can make it for TP.

I shall pray to get a nice old man for my tester.

Whining aside, I watched "I Not Stupid Too" with DaParents (in the events of any unfortunate accidents involing me, plz do not point any fingers at me). It make me shriek with laughter and left tears trickling down my cheeks. With such a great beginning, the conclusion's pretty anti-climax. But then I like e show.

I'm tired le. I'm pregnant or something.

Most most most probably, the results will be out soon. And I cant help but wish the days will simply just back trek. Which is funny since I just complained yesterday how my life is mundane now.

The worst I can get: Repeat my year / go SIM or something.

The best: Scraping a pass to manage a place in Uni.

Obviously I'll pray for a miracle to make my day with option2. But it isnt much of a decision coz I did indeed pray! The lot I got says I'm neither here nor there. That means I'm almost as good as finished.

My mom cant wait for the results to be out. Sadly, I dont share her sentiments. She tells me the faster they announce the results, the better her life will be. Like HELLO!! Who took the bloody exams? I'm not even craving for one tiny detail of the Major, why is she so bothered?

Fine! I admit my reason is stupid but its everybody's reason! Result.

Will I make it to Uni? If not, how am I going to face my parents? And what will my relatives/friends/classmates/tutors say?? How many people will snigger behind their hands at the pathetic results? After a carefree though frivolous lifestyle, I cant begin to deny reality.

I cant help it. Wo ai mian zi. I cant afford to fail this exam, regardless for my mom's sake or dad's expectations or the aunties' anticipation or my own face.

Bloody hell! Why didnt I think of it when I skipped my classes?

I just realised I dont have a backlog with this stupid skin. I was thinking of adding it to the feature. But then its not like there are major MAJOR events chronicling the past year. Except maybe I made it pass 2005.

I've not written any date for the past month. It feels wierd. Like something's missing. This time last year I kept telling myself how nice it is to grow mould at home rotting my brains out with coke and music. Today this year I wish I have school to fill up my day.

Frankly, I'm more tired now than ever. I've never worked so hard for my school life except when I was the Pri. Nerd. It must be CNY. People always say prior to the festival are the busiest day. That is the worst misconception I've ever come across.

Its the visiting that is the true works. Sometimes, family are more critical than strangers will ever be. My parents love to argue that it shows the concern. Whenever they launch into the "Its all for your own good" shit, I feel like telling them to just stuff it up their asses. But its not very polite to say it to DaParents. My mom is immersely proud of my oh-so-perfect-politeness. I cant possibly dash my own saintly image.

So I grin and endure the broken record of "WAH SO BIG ALL-READY AR! SO PRETTY AR! GOT BF LE MA?! wHY NO HAVE??" The most uniquely auntie thing is they like to shout in your face like you're standing across the room from them instead of right in front of them.

No bf very amazing meh?? They give the incredulous look then they move onto the next target. And I'll breath a sigh of relief and think "Heng ar".

Actually, not only them. Even the instructors go "REALLY MEH??"

REALLY LA! Very surprising meh? I look very sweet and innocent mah. Why is it so surprising then? Its wierd!

Anyway the point of this post is to say how tiring it is to house visit. I mean not as if we dont see them during the normal days. AND even during the NORMAL visits, they play the same broken record. Not tired meh? I am.

Not to mention there's playing, gambling, talking, screaming. Then there'll always be one or two additions to the family. They have to know you and you have to know them. Its exhuasting enough as it is. Its stupid I tell you. This New Year.

But then the Ang Pow makes everything worthwhile!

Lastly, I shall log off before I get distracted by Songs/videos/sitcoms/movies/books again.

I'm really really sorry I'm not making much sense. My brain crashed last night. Lat's hope it'll be in working order soon!

My Tp's on 12th april! Cheers Babes!