Life loves to creep up on you, pounce when you turn the corner and trip you down endless flights of steps. I bet Sha will never expect to be in the situation today. When I still know her, she was the vivacious loud girl. She clearly enjoys life abiding by her own rules.

Look where Life got her at this stage. Its only 2years. Everything changed so drastically. All of us stopped in our tracks and just say "what?!" Like its going to change anything. I cant fathom what's the real situation like now. I just wish I can be of any help. This girl was kind enough to accept me into the extensive group when I was a newbie. I just want to do my part for her.

I cant think logically anyway. I need time to grasp the whole concept.

There's always a first for everything. The first step, the first spoon, the first chopsticks, the first school, the first friend.

I dont necessarily remember all my firsts. While some reside in my memory , others simply left me. Not all first are glamourous, remarkable, memorable. Ironically, its the tough detestable ones I remember the clearest.

My first REAL relationship. The first anniversary. The first date. The first present. The first album. The first xmas. My first Xmas spending the night out. My first stay at a local hotel.

Sometimes things between us dont work out. I get irritated, he gets confused. There's constant bickering and snapping. But I still want my world to revolve around him. He over-extends himself to get me materials gifts in order to make me happy. I do about half of his effort yet still receive the same adoration. It feels like Bitch eh?

But somehow this first relationship feels Right.

& for the first time again, I see a future of us.

All of a sudden, the Living Dead Doll was brought up. Lois gave a shudder and said she doesnt like mentioning all these stuff. I know I am afraid in the dark. Hell! I'm afraid even in broad daylight. Yet these dark arts attracts me like moths to flames.

When young, it was the BarbieDoll fanatic. I love changing the clothes, putting thm to bed, pushing them around in the barbie van, hosting picnics by the bathroom tap. I even washed their hair and braid it once a month. I was crazy.

To DaPrarents, its eerie. Now I understand where they are coming from. In school, this girl dont even converse with girls. Once home, I snapped straight to Barbie not even bothering with mommy. Then I began abandoning the pretty things, only to pick up a grown up version of it. The dead version of it.

I loved LivingDeadDolls from the moment its out. One thing special about them is that for each doll you purchase, it comes with a Death Certificate stating their names, careers and manner of death. All are packaged in coffins and their clothes are mostly dye with blood. Some has got pupils but its those which dont that are valueable. Switch off the lights and you get two glowing whites.

Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. I just wish I have the dolls.

Just a few posts ago, I've been whining about having no job, no appointments, no lessons, no money, no nothing.

Everything swirled around in a matter of weeks and I'm fully booked till after NY. With tuitions, driving & dates, I drop dead into my bed every night, only to be awaken long before I'm replenished to repeat the cycle again.

I think I'm one of those people who needs plenty of sleep. I never ever survive a day without a full night's sleep. I cant ever stay up till 6am the next day. I never slept an overnight not sleeping at all. I'm old fashioned in this sense. Its pretty sucky. Considering the fact that the BF loves drinking the night away, I feel pretty inadequate. What if he goes astray during one of these late night sessions??

Enough about the digression. There's all the usual shopping. New clothes again! No more shoes. The shoes cabinet is stuff full. Shopping isnt everything for me. Driving's more of my cup of tea now. I've managed to drive through the circuit smoothly & I'm moving onto road flow! Oh yea, before I forget, I'm assigned a very very very handsome instructor. I'll be out with a license soon!

Caught a few movies since this new year began. Frankly, the shows arn't worth the price. If I had known, I wont bother at all. This week, though, there's a few which seems promising. But then, every show I've watched seems to be promised. Except for Star Wars. The agony of gluing the butt for 3hours for a stupid show!

I'm waiting to catch the very recommended "Memoirs of a Geisha" with the girlfriends. The BigMan wants "Derailed". Actually, I miss GV Grand. In more precise sense, I miss the BigMan. After you get a Bf, it gets difficult to watch any shows without him.

Firstly, you start to sneak glances at the couple seated beside you(for some reason, you will always get placed beside a couple). 2ndly, the shows start to tapers to a mindless drone 1hour into the show. Its just not as fun if you get what I mean. Still, I love dates with the childhood buddies! Girlfriends.

Movies aside, there's always books. First book for an anniversary. I finished it flat in 2days. It says something about the book. The story is not refreshing. Neither is the setting extraordinary. Yet it unsettles me. Coz the narration is arresting. The morbid themes it carries are certainly my stuff. My kind of book.

"The Lake of Dead Languages", its called. Try it someday.

Food for thought:
How many repressed stories we bury in us? Are the lakes in your heart deep enough to sink all your secrets in? Did you tie enough stones to your baggage to ensure it remains in the deep bottom? I hope mine is. Think about yours.

In the meantime, here's a little poem I picked up.

The Lake Isle of Innisfree
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.

A very appropriate poem to conclude should you ever commit suicide.

P.S. Lately the blogsphere's alive with bitching. Frankly, from my point of view, BM's the bitch who started the barking. She should just shut up for this fest to end.

What's wrong with females? I dont know myself but i certainly do feel intense competition amongst female peers. Seldom do I feel free of scrutinity or once-over from the female counterparts. If we're vastly different individuals, I certainly dont see any need to be jealous. After all I'm a totally genre from you!

Look at the blogshpere. Its only the females dissing each other. I dont come across a male flaming another male. One just start a bitchy remark and the opposite retaliate. Why sink to their level? But I expect one'll want to defend oneself. Just like me. But revenge will come to you one day.

Females.....

Madonna beat out "Hung up" suddenly.

I thought its another spot check from the Boyfriend. Turned out to be Lois! After so long, she's back from HongKong, back in our lives. She's taking more care with skin care now! There goes the saying "Nui da shi ba bian". Looking back, I didnt really care about my appearance when I was trapped in sec skool. Now I've stocks of skin care products and scent spread all over my desk. I've cleared my room btw. So I've plenty spaces now!

With Lois over, Louisa came up! That girl can disappear off the world as and when she likes. When she's back, its always with a bang! One amazing thing is we always take up where we left off. On the same wavelength. Coz we're cut from the same cloth. Wonderful. Just that she's off in Aus I'm in Sg.

Now I'm sounding pretty sick. I sound like a lesbo pining away for my love one. That's sick! Anyway, good night. I have my world to go to!

Driving everyday! Yea!

Its me & her again!

Making racist remarks should be a no-no in Sg. But you cant blame us for labelling each skin colour. There are so many reports so many personal experiences we cant be that wrong. Perhaps the reports may be blown out of proportion. Maybe it was a false report even. But it doesnt make the labels any less unreal.

Xiaxue only made a comment which is true, people bombarded her with "she's a racist" criticism. Wake up! These bloody people are wreaking havoc on the streets and our own people are siding them?? How sick is that? When they dont do it on the streets, they attempt it on public transports. Well maybe they are not the only ones. We are simply generalising too much. But its a fact that MAJORITY are of THAT colour! Doesnt that make it count?

These sex-deprived bastards do it on the bus, they do it on the trains, they'll simply do anything just to grab at girls' bust. It doesnt matter how she looks like or how she may feel. Its just them and their testosterone. Them and their bloody itchy hands. I've seen it happening. I've felt it on me. But nothing can be done coz they come in hordes. Unless the govt does something about these perverts, the molest will simply worsen.

I'm not discriminating but indians are the worst. They make up a huge percentage of family violence, they conjure up most of the molest/rape cases, they are the most unfaithful friends. Its them we are against in the molest war. Its them who divides us on the racist issues. Its sickening.

I saw this Chinese lady who's married to an Indian lawyer. She never did move or look around once all the while she was "choosing" her specs. Her husband did the selection, she did her staring. Stiff backed, silent & humbling, she reveals so much in just her stance. But we can't do anything coz we dont know for sure. Its just saddening to witness a victim whom no one can help. I've hated people before. I still hate them now.

Even if it makes me racist, I still hate most Indian men.

Btw I've made progress with life. I'm onto driving full time soon! Yea!!

I think I may be very very VERY bored. Why else am I blogging constantly these days? Not so many days......just yesterday and today.

Anyway I finished the latest entry and scram to polish off a chocolate rice doughnut. For the first time since childhood, I carefully extracted the circle from the plastic carrier and licked off any fallen chocolate bits.

Don't you just hate it when the chocolate melts onto the plastic and all you taste is the thin slap of milky choc left? Everytime I see my choc disappearing, I feel so frustrated. Until my childhood plan was to hold onto the underside of the doughnut and slowly devour it whole.

I haven't been doing it for sometime. My dad used to laugh at my wierd eating tactics. So much so I detest eating my way. For example, when I consume a hotdog bun, I'll eat away all the surrounding bread fast before slowly chewing hotdog by itself. Or for instance when I have nasi lemak, I'll finish the rice, leaving chicken wings for last.

This time round, I'm not going to waste my doughtnut. I bought the bun coz of the choc! What's the use if I let it melt onto the plastic?

Dont I make sense?

Everybody's making NewYearResolutions. When I try to come up with mine, it seems so superficial and pathetic.

All i can think of right now is:
1) Getting my driver's license
2) Earning money

There was all the plans about dieting, sewing, business, clubbing into the wee hours every night. But its not going to happen simply coz the Dargon forbids it strongly. I mean she almost wenk bersek when I suggested going home at 6am! The overnight on xmas was the rarest of rare treat.

Maybe I shouldnt be complaining so much. There are, after all, children being abused every minute as I sit in my air-coned room while whining to a screen in a laid back chair, coke within my reach and Madonna on at full blast.

Do you ever wonder about a child's well-being? A neighbour, a schoolmate, a junior or simply a stranger? I completed my first book of the year in record time. I thought I wont be as interested since it's not JudithMcNaught. I find myself hanging onto it 24/7.

A Child Called "It".

Just as I was reading it on the train, this kid with a bruised arm sat down beside me. Seeing as I was reading the worst case of child abuse, I stole glances at the poor kid beside me. Until TheMother turned and reprimanded him severely for not sitting properly. Everbody simply gawked at that woman.

I wont expect a boy of seven or eight to sit with his butt firmly on a chair. Much less want him to GLUE his little buttocks to a moving train. I mean its natural for kids to be hyper n curious n mischevious and what nots. I'll scold or chide. Not hiss, snare or screech. Kids have fragile dignities.

Maybe I shouldn't comment much since I witness only part of the incident. Perhaps something triggered off the unwarrented tirade. It could be that boy was up to something prior to the ride. STILL I expected more refined behaviour from a mother.

I am entitled to pass judgement becuase MY Mother is just the same as well. You may say the disgrace were things of the past. But recently it's coming back, surfacing underneath that well kept appearance. It irks me that we simply obey coz "we are children". Is she the problem or am I at fault?

The boy in the book certainly did nothing wrong. The boy beside definitely did nothing irritating from the moment he stepped into the train. For obvious reasons, I side the boys. It sucks to be pin-pointed simply becuase you're the most convenient reason.

I uphold my stand throughout the whole of yesterday. Until I met TheRelatives. It was a most disturbing day for me. The night was a soul searching one.

Do you have a soul?

I believe I do. I was angry at TheParents for spoiling my day. So frustrated I couldnt control. Yet I was told I should understand, appreciate. Frankly I do. But not with so much intervention on their part. I pull my strings as and when i like. I shouldn't have to be a puppet.

Until(UNTIL) one of my cousins sat me down and tell me TheFamily's going to be proud of me some day. Of course she didnt jump straight and say "oh you're gona be so great!" It's just that she got me talking to cheer me up. And her husband find me interesting coz I supposedly am wise beyond my age. I get such comments throughout my academic career and I didnt understand why.

Now I do. A little bit.

Maybe someday I'll know fully. I'll be ready waiting when that day comes.

Ok, maybe I wasnt as happy as I wish to be.
But STILL, people should be happy that they are happy shouldn't they?
Why then am I not exactly HAPPY happy, just a happy happy?
You know what I mean?

Actually I dont know what I meant.

I counted down to 2006 with baby. I'm glad I even get to countdown.

Anyway its my first post for the new year! Yea! Finally my blog has life!

Sadly blogger corked up with uploading images.