And of coz my days are lovely.

Coz of him <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Look at at girl on the left!

I tink I look soooo pretty...

That concludes my say this week.

My aunt attended a wedding. She came back fuming and starry eyed.

Let me start with fuming.
She used to work for a Ti Koh Peh. He attempted to molest her. The Husband did nothing. So Ti Koh Peh tuanted her.(Well from what I know, it must be la). As if being a sex-crazed-perverted old man isn't enough, he has to be ultimate bloody jerk as well.

If I were her, I would have:
(a) secretly spread a rumour about TiKohPeh being impotent [but then he could sue me for slander;
(b) kicked his !@#$%% and quit immediately [but he can sue me for causing greivous harm and fatal attempt to disable him sexually];
(c) tell my husband and call a lawyer [oh i forgot, she told the Husband]

Of course my aunt did none of the above accept to sought help in the useless form of a husband. But still, she had to meet Ti Koh Peh that night. I dont know if she encountered him. But she surely wasnt happy at all!

Starry eyed!
Coz the bride married a LeeKuanYew scholar who holds high rank in the army. Guards stood by the doors and around the banquet holding swords! It sounds so wahhhhhhh.....The bride's not to be outdone oso la! She's an ambassador of our Foreign Ambassy. A highly valued one at that. Besides the amazing coupl, there's the bride's sister as well. The sister's a reputated gynae in England. AND she holds a PhD in her field.

At this point, DragonLady turned to me and said "If only you were so capable, then you can meet a boy like that then you can have a bright future"

Everything's if-only if-only. If only I was born beautiful, then i can have any guy I want. If only I were in a better school, I can know more capable people. If only I were smart, I can climb up the social ladder. If only I am the daughter of a rich man, I will know all the rich scholars in town. If only I dont have this family, I wont be tied down in an unhappy situation. If only If only. Evereything's if-only if only.

Of course I dont protest to having a husband like that! Who will? As the chinese says "So Seh Been!" All the relatives will look at you like your God! Ur friends will scamper o get into your good books. Your parents can say "Oh my daughter marry a rich scholar lei" And your wedding invitation has this fanciful line "Ms Blah-Blah-Blah is marrying Mr so-&-so, Scholar of Yr2000 LeeKuanYew Scholarship" So nice right!

But the truth is I cant! I'll feel so stupid standing next to him. His family will feel I'm below them. My family will attempt to humour his family. Then his life will only revolve round his studies, duty and work. He'll read all the info mags, only ask me questions concerning politics/current affairs/husband-obliged-question, bang hum drum once a month and expect me to carry on his family line.

It'll be worse if he's a gynae! He'll start the session by naming my body parts, then point out their uses, how we should do the deed and then carry out the procedure surgerically. Meanwhile, I either daydream and listen to him or snore into dreamland by the time he's done naming my reproductive organs. Or worse! I'll burst out laughing if he produce a body map and show me how to position myself so he can aim and shoot at the correct degree to achieve a baby result. Haiz....See, scholars are sterile business.

I dont doubt I'll have to book an appointment in advance just to ask him if I can buy that LV bag/MiniCooper/little cute bungalow/SYL dress. What a boring life! So what if I get the high life as a deal!

Haiz....where is that perfect prince?

Today didnt start off fine. It was bottoms if anything. Last night's feud carried on to this morning. I could blame it on the menses, I can blame it on the weather. But at the end of that day, I know those were not valid. It just takes a simple confession. A little finger pointing in my way. But I find it so difficult to put myself in the wrong for the situation. Does it apply to you?

I know of people who finds no trouble blaming themselves. I saw friends who readily accept the blame. I can't. Coz I have ego. I have pride. But not so conceited that I can't admit my faults eventually, gradually. Ok maybe I'm not exactly a saint. I'm not saying I am one. I am in the middle though. And that's good enough for me. It indicates I'm normal.

I wont want to end up like some stuck up bitch who claims perfection(including themselves). Their "perfection" obviously is a skewed mindset. There are no such person around. You may think a cerain beautiful person is living the high life,driving that fast car, wearing that sleek dress. But underneath it all, do you see the turmoil they are in? Or in worse(but common) cases, the perfect exterior is simply that. A shell. A beautiful mask.

Who doesnt wish to be naturally intricately crafted? Who doesnt want a face like Dawn's or a body like Jlo? Whcih guy will give up on the idea of a 6pack body and Beckham's hair? But beauty comes at a heavy price. Greatness spawns jealousy. That's why there's all the crap about these stars who supposedly underwent surgery to achieve their looks.

I cant stand firm and claim I do not wish to be theBeautiful, theRich and theHip. I do wish very very much. Well, to be pretty I mean. Every girl does. How else do you explain the rising bulimia/anoerxic phenomenom?
But the iron chain which comes with it, makes me glad I possess none. I dont want to walk around school and have girls creating malicious rumours behind my back. Or hurting tuantings in front of the toilet mirrors.

Or course to make such a sweeping assumption is dramatising the situation. But beautiful girls are unpopular amongst female population. Attas for guys. Such people are a threat, a thorn, a disease, the unformed. We slam them publicly then admire them secretly. It's tiring isnt it?

But its even harder work to be the Threat. Perhaps I cant aptly describe the situation they are trapped in. Just like how a stick girl will never be able to give off the essence of sufferings people like me feel.

However, at the end of the day, I know I'll be glad and sad for not being theBeautiful, theRich and theHip.

Sometimes it takes a cow to trigger the anger inside me. At times, it takes a word to ignite an explosion from me. Experts of spontaneous combustion: Dragonlady, DevilSpawn and DeaaaarrrrrJeremy.

I dont wonder why Dragonlady claims master for my explosions. I bet you dont wonder why she's the specialist either. She simply has to ask the most stupidest mundance question and I'll off to AngerPlanet. I used to admire my dad for tolerating the endless dumb questions. Until two nights ago, I saw how he twist the situation to his advantage.

On that fateful night, that evil piece of a work went out for Harry Potter!! Imagine that shit!!ARgh!!!Outrageous! He beat me to my PotterBoy!! Then Dragonlady blew up and screamed down the house, litherally. I mean I can feel all that eeevil karma clamming down on me. That's quite a feat considering it had to get pass a living room, a corridor, one closed door and penerate air con jelly air. I really admire that kind of wow....

Warning: I have that genes.

Back to the story! She screamed at the phone, she shouted at the walls and she banged her way around the flat. Then she asked a stupid question. I asked Daddy if pilots have absolute perfect eyesight. Cant contacts do? Supposedly the authority worry about irritation of contacts. So no. Then she asked why cant airplanes stop midair then the pilot adjust his contacts la. WAHAHAHAHA

I burst out laughing and she was sooo insulted. I mean where the F* she got that from!! Then my dad asked, if you shoot a bird, do the bird stop in midair and die, do we use a ladder to climb up into the air to retrieve that dead bird? She understood then.

Such questions. I mean where did it come from?! My goodness! If she werent my mom I'll be laughing my head off.

Of course that's just a one-off. She'll continue with her questions and I'll carry on being my volcano. But she's my mom. I've been lving with it for 18years. What about Jeremy?

He simply have to look at me a certain way or say a particular word, then that's it! I'm off to PlanetZoomOut.

Love makes one neurotic, crazy and explosive.

It isnt a good thing at all.

I read through the chinese papers today. Yea! Chinese words are tedious. Like littleJonathan says"Chinese is harmful to the body". Then(THEN) I came across the entertainment news. Its amazing isnt it? We disregard reports on New Delhi Bombings(I dont even know how to spell that place!) or Bush's latest bullshit or HongKong's new Disney. But when it comes to entertainment news, its the only important news of the day.

I mean how many girls have said they are supposedly updated on world news. I see them on trains exclaiming over the latest korean gay boy or the slimmest stick that goes by the name of Jolin Tsai. That's the most important thing. If I dont have my dad, I definitely will be out of touch with current affairs. When we had Straist times, I still flip through. But then its not very enriching considering how the news are simply crap. Our Uniquely Singapore is fast becoming a shadow of McSingapore. Its all the positive news. This management of ours sucks.

Anyway I read that Barbie Tsai wants a wedding dress like QueenElizabeth's and her groom has to don a wig to feed her dinner. What kind of a wedding is that! She thought of that since she was young she claims! I'm never going to stay in Taiwan. I dont want to be demented.

I want to wear a Vera Wang, accessorised with DeBeers 0.5carat diamond earring each and 2.5 carat diamond ring. Along with eldow long satin gloves and shite satin heels. The groom has to be in grey morning suit. Like Mr Teddy in Roger Rabbits. Of coz the groom has to be someone I love. Like I said before, my husband's going to a huber man. I dont want to see the man I'll only ever love attending my wedding to another. That's going to be my tragedy. Well the sad part aside, the whole hall is just white lilies. Yup that's all I want.

You shouldnt leave ur child leaving in Singapore if you think my dream wedding sucks. Singapore breeds materialistic babies.

Some girls are shit. They've got nothing. No face, no ass, no boobs, no dignity. They should kiss the ground and worship my breath when i grant them even a word. But no! One such stupid girl snubbed me. I feel like dunking her head into a goldfish tank. She looks like them. Big head pea brain. She's not worth my time.

I finished two shows! Drumlines and 3good guys. The latter's just another lousy story strung to get money. I wonder if that's why JackNeo is balding....hm.....Anyway, Drumline is exactly the carbon copy of BringItOn except its about band. And only it makes me feel like shaking my ass. AND getting drum sticks. AND enrolling in a military band. AND learn to shake my booty with a drum slung round my waist.

My dad laughed at the sight of BIG girls dancing.(AngMoh band has a group of female dancers to go with the band) He was making all the "If chinese do this, people laugh. If chinese girls this fat how to dance? If chinese girls this daring people call them sluts." Stupid Chinese. We are just a bunch of Stupid Chinese. If we can even quiver the way blacks do, if we can imitate a bit of that ass booty action, we wont be stupid. But chinese are stiff tight upper lip white asses. Stupid Chinese.

I feel like taking off and getting lost. Assume a new personality, pick up a dirty gritty job and get down on my knees to beg. A space for shelter and crumbs for food. That's life. Well...not exactly enjoyable. But definitely gratifying. After all these years of idiot life, it'll be interesting to live like a refugee. No relations, no help, no responsibility. I'm simply responsible for myself.
_________________________________________________

There was this young couple opposite my dinner table. The mother was grappling with a toddler. She's not much older than me. The father isnt much older than me. They cant be much more than 20. Yet they have a kid. A kid who obviously would not get anything beneficial. Nothing positive out of this family. Looking at them having that simple meal, they were already strangers born of marriage. Based on deduction, I hazard a guess that they can't be married for long. This child isnt older than 3. Its a young family broken before its time.

What is wrong with these people? Haven't they heard of contraceptives? Why are they destroying a potential? They dont have to get married just because a life's forming. He can be put up for adoption.

Sickening people.

The lab result is out.

Well....there's always adoption isnt there?

I decided to try out the new heels. Its leather. For some reason I have uber long second toes. So much so a blister erupted. I was worried I may toppl initially. Eh try treading on a 4inch heel la! So clever. Besides the downside, there's the upside as well! Its nice, feminine and well suited!

Just I'm wondering how am I ever going to shake all those fatty booty in those wriggly wirthering heels when I go clubbing?

Alvin smsed. It out of the blue. Remember how he loves to play hide-and-seek with me? Lately he's been pretty present. I wont say he's up to something. He's not unpleasant company. But we've run out of things to say. He's not willing to share my life after him. Neither am I interested in hokkien AhBengs. Is that what they say about the Distance?

Maybe we werent exactly communicating that well from the beginning. But he & I are vastly different individuals. He thinks its so cool sprouting vulgarities in an MRT loudly while I cringe into a corner & avoid all eye contact. Its like day & night. Not to mention his marriage to games.

That aside, I can see he changed. Quite significantly I may say. Previously he was all bravado and empty shell. Now, he's learnt to accept my life, however slightly, and attempt to right me from wrong. He even agreed to coming all down east for a movie. Well, I mean you may expect that since he initiated it. Yet, it would have been a "cant we meet in orchard?" of the old Alvin. & this time round, he didnt grumble even when I asked to postpone it. Instead, he arranged for another day.

Maybe NS letter does wonders. But not to that extent surely. He doesnt remind me of Alvin anymore. Not the Alvin I know. That Alvin would have bulked at the idea of watching chick flicks, criticise all western and talk nonsense. Nonsense still comes out from his mouth occasionally. But not that much. He used to stinge and launch into his expensive movie tickets talk. Just that day, he actually told me to go to a movie! Seriously, what has changed!

When he was still hogging the games, I was always the 2nd place. I waited by arcades for him to finish his machines. I walked around malls moping for him to be done with Initial D. I sat at cafes wishing he wasnt tied to his games. I'm not out with him yet for now, but I am sure its not going to be that way anymore. Oh I dont know. Maybe he wont turn out that good as well?

The thing is, he even booked me for a neoprint OMG! He may tell me I'm lame for insisting on a particular machine at a specific mall. But he agreed nonetheless when e old Alvin would have said its a waste of time. What changed??

We were happily chatting the night before. It is a phenomenom for him I tell you! His conversation used to be cramped of his tactics, peppered with "how's ur day?". Its all the "do you rememeber" that night.

Frankly, I DO remember. I remember all the waits, despair, frustration and anguish. I recall all the complains, profanities and shouting. I think of the things he put me through and I'm glad I pulled out when I did.

I was glad. I am glad. Till I realised I was wrong about him all along. I used to accuse him of not being there for me. I used to say he was the pits. But as the night progressed into wee hours, I realised he was there all along! He was there when I was still the innocent silly girl. He was there when I became part of the flesh trade. He's still here when I'm happily attached to another.

His memory of me surprised even me! We discovered all our changes that night. From being virtual friends to real friends, from real friends to bitter resentment. Actually, the resentment's on my part. He did so many things I forgot it even existed. He chatted on the phone with my mom once. He ran to get me plasters when the new shoes bite me once. He kept me laughing when there's nothing funny more than once. He got me to try games which I would never touch. He took me to the corpse exhibition when I mentioned it. He was fun. He was crazy. He was that and alot more and I didnt see it.

We were so bitter about each other. We were all "you you you" but never "me me me". But one thing which never fails to amaze me is the fact that we never held hands. Not even once. Well...maybe once but that's all. Throughout that period, we saw only one movie. How pathetic that is you tell me! I never regretted going off him. Just felt that it was a pity our friendship was ruined.

& it felt good to know that its not. We are still us of four years ago. We've grown and improved on the four years ago. That he was here and I didnt know. & his words of comfort just last year this time, "I'm going to India and I'll get you something. So you can look and feel I'm still the friend you know that year."

He kept his words. I'm going to fulfil my share of being his friend. & hopefully, our maturity will not pull us apart again.

I'm not exactly happy...& I have ample reason to be more than just exhilerated.

Everything's fine and nice again. After that torn, it was peaches n cream once again.

I even got a new pair of heels. According to the salesgirl, its very "now & sex trend". That's what she said!

So I'll wear that and walk on the guy for S&M sex?

His back will be crispy by the time I'm done with him then.

No. I think I'm more likely to wear to club and dance "My Hump" with HuiTing with the world laughing at my wobbling stomach, trembling thighs and quivering ass.

But then again, maybe I'll already have tripped and fell flat on my front when I attempt to walk on that 4inch heels.

Oh....what a dilemma!

I'm still not happy. I'm still not satisfied with my world. Coz I'm still not getting what I want.

Is it him or me? Supposedly, I didnt do a good enough job as DaGirlfriend to assure him. But if anything, he makes me insecure more like it!

Argh! Clueless.

JingJie just came over. He's still here. & he made my dad ramble on & on. My bro & him took the chinese papers yesterday. With me. Just dat I've got another paper to it. It got my parents so worked up. Elites elites elites. Elites are shit.

Of coz one of the uptmost pressing issue is the chinese i take or higher chinese higher? As in like is the former better than the latter or is it the other way round? Anyone with common sense will know that one who studies the basic characters as well as the orginial form of lit, then its the best of its form. But my mom isnt convinced. Coz her stupid sick friend told her her own daughter's higher chinese is better than mine.

I feel like stuffing my lit books up her sickening ass, kidney failure or no kidney failure. such provoking little asses. The whole family.

I memorised my books, learn the words, write the characters. If i shown her the books, I doubt if she knows what the hell the book's grapping about. I ddint initially. It was as good as alien. But once you get the hang of it, it stays. I'll like to see if her oh-so-high-chinese even comes close to mine!

Well now the dragonlday's satisfied. Coz the son cant compete with that ass. 1. she's in arts. 2.he's nt interested in chinese. So the daughter takes the field. Now that's another Uniquely Singapore trend you see. Mothers compete using diamonds, household incomes, latest design AND their kids' studies.

To perfect the art, firstly you've got to learn to express yourself subtly. You got to learn to booast without coming outright. For eg, if your girl gets into RGS, you start by "my girl's skool is soooooo far! I told her not to go le! But she insists lei!" In actual fact, who's the one who absolutely insists? The friend will counter with "Oh where huh? My boy's also lei! Bukit timah lei! That Hwa Chong lor! Aiyo!" Then the one with girl says "Oh! Mine is central la! Only RGS mah!" Then the Hwa Chong one wins coz her's is BOY lei.

Like how my dad has won his friends coz his SON is in JC, is in SCIENCE stream. According to him, when we graduated from secondary skools, we competed with any AhMao AhGou to squeeze into our shit JC. Now HE got to compete with ALL the top elites for that precious place in U. Coz we've squeezed our way into the supposedly Singapore's top 20%. Amongst this top, its all narrowed down to simply a few ten thousands. To fight for that place in any of the U place is to fight nails and tooth. You do whatever you think of!

& coz the SON is in SCIENCE, its harder for him to get in. I'm in the soft lousy stream, so I can get the lousy seats in that haven easily? well, I know there are people who will say "Oh I wanted to go so-&-so, where-&-where. But they send me to this lousy place". If that person has distinctions for both languages, I'll stuff my lofty arty-farty comments up my nostrils.

Science and shit. Elites and shit. Its all shit.