Went for a random family dinner last night. None other than our usual Pasir Panjang zuzu place. & Sweetie ah yi came up with the logic for me to never believe in love. Ever.

Well, the dragonlady brought up the topic of boyfriends first. She kept telling my aunts I'm a fucked up distracted student. So Sweetie launched into her views. I'm not irritated at all this advice. Like they say, they've been there, done that. They know what it's like & seriously, they are trying to protect me from the bad experience they got through. The ironic part is, most probably my experience has exceed their worst fears and they have no idea of it.

So Sweetie told me to consider my options carefully now. It's been all the same point. Studies is the most important now, no degree no live, boyfriends hinder you & all that advice. Frankly, it's just bullshit. But she brought up another point. She told me he'll change in NS, we'll differ if our education levels ain't the same, that we'll want different goals out of life. Her advice went on to cover the grounds whereby we can work out our differences and compromise all through the years. Her conclusion, love doesn't last more than 5years. Passion is once in a lifetime with that same person. 5years is the max one can reach. She told me if i decide to marry him, it'll most probably a marriage for the sake of marrying. Then giving birth for the sake of having kids.

She said only if a person's really the dumps, then should they hold onto a relationship as soon as possible. People who are considered ugly or disfigured or disabilities. We're not being mean and my aunt certainly isn't discriminating against these people. She's just stating a fact. Wont you try to cling to somebody who loves you if love for you is hard to comeby? I would. But she doesn't think I need worry about that. After aunts are aunts. She loves me & she believes the best of me. accordingly to her I certainly can forgo the love sector now. She doesn't think I should worry about it. Coz I have the qualities to make it out there, out on the adults playing ground, out in society. Coz I'll be equipped with a degree, a presentable look(provided if I do go for lipo and reconstruction) and a decent family background. Little does she know the tainted past. Well, let's say the guys are willing to accept that, then I'll have no problems I guess. The question: Why tie yourself down?

On my part, I've always known it all along that love never do last. I believe I've mentioned my parents' relationship before. They don't love each other anymore. They're just together for the sake of being together. Just because they have a family and they hold responsibilities. At this time, what they have for each other is tolerance. Not happiness, not passion and certainly not love. Love subsides after awhile.

Come to think of it...it could be precisely due to this fact, that's why wives put up with the mistresses shit of husbands. hm....when the day comes for me to be just a woman with no love, knowing my husband is chasing shorter skirts and tighter skins out there, I'll let you know how I cope. [KIV]

It could be she's jaded. It could be the depair love gives me. We don't feel secure in relationships. Look at my aunts. Of 8 of them, 2 of them are divorced. They could have worked out differences if they were in love. But love was no longer available. Love is always busy, constantly on a new target. To give all a false sense of belonging to somebody, no matter who that person is.

For me, I've hold true for most of my relationships. Just that they don't appreciate me. Now that one comes along, it's nice to indulge in the naive love for the very first time. A proper courtship. Currently, its been a fine 7months. More than fine actually. But I've always wondered when it'll end too. There's just this pessimistic side present all the time. I like tying myself down now because its for someone who's worth it at least. But come next year, will we still feel the same?

I evaluated this relationship. We may get pass this year, or maybe next year, even even longer. But people change. I'll never know if he'll change or I'll change. Seven months is a long time yet a short time. It doesn't signify anything. He may feel alright with his NS & me now. A few months down the road, his duties may make me a iron on his ankles. Or vice versa when I attend U. Even if we sail through periods safely, can we compromise on our differences? I don't think so. We conflict and insist. First borns seldom get along well for long. He may feel the right one now. But I'll feel like all my boyfriends are my right ones. That's why I'm with them.

In any case, 18 is a dangerous number. Teenage years, peer pressure, family objections. It's sickening to know the future won't belong to you&him. I'm trying to cherish whatever it is even if it means playing hide and seek constantly with our parents. Its tough to always keep up appearances in front of family, the lies the stories the deceit. It's tiring but in exchange for a little passion, its crazy but fulfilling shit. & so I'll carry on my dream for till it ends I guess. Then I'll move on to find another one whom I feel is the RightOne. Coz I believe in having my own family still. Even if it means having a husband who can only tolerate me but not love me.

I want to be a xiao nui ren.