That's what they call the newpapers nowadays. Information papers. Yea. It fits. I chucked it aside for quite a few days. Now that I want to look through it, I feel so tired even though I barely register any stuff. What's the use of cramming thousands of words in an article? I don't have the time! Neither do I like the serious news.

So I flipped my way through the mundane international news & arrived at those snippets. There's this blow-up of a diamond& pearl crown. It's Imelda Marco's. She's bloody infamous. I only knew she owned thousands of shoes when her husband was in rein. Turned out she left 1220 shoes and countless jewels pieces back at the palace when the couple fled. & that's not inclusive of her extensive wardrode! Bloody hell! I once wished I had the headache of taking which fancy(when I say fancy, it's the ferrari series hor. not the lousy Mercs which are taxis now) car out for a ride. Now I fancy I want a wardrode of headaches about which shoes to wear, which bag to match and which diamond/ruby/emerable/sapphire/pearl/etcetc to don. Her items were elaborate enough for muesems! What husband she has??

What is it that some people has which others don't? Why are there presidents who cares heck about their appearances & those who underwent plastic surgery just to appeal to ciitizens? Taiwan vice-president had a skin tightening session for her face. She needs it. She's ugly enough as it is. It'll be worse if her face's crumbled like a crumpled tissue. Look at our president. He doesn't look like one to begin with. But whatever. The Lees says he's good mean he is I guess.

Talking about jewels, I forgot to mention the belated presents I just received. I was hoping for that set of AnnaSui. The girls(Edwin is more than half over) got me an etra long strand of pearls instead. So much for that nehneh's promise. Haiz. Never trust a gay? I don't know. I tried twining it round my neck 4times. 4 is a magical effect. I nearly gagged myself in the process. Rubbish! Wahaha.

Then there's Ting's. She got hers individually. It's a box of Micky ChocSticks and a wallet with geisha prints. Somehow they always know I'm into the wierd stuff. She got herself an identical wallet as well. So we have something similar to show mah. Jie mei mah! I really like their gifts! Just a little grumble...well....

These few mornings been Mac breakfast for some reason. I love Mac. calories aside la. But they have coke light le mah. Actually what is coke light? I still like coke. Autentic coke! Anyway we were having breakfast with Joce * her friend the other day. Huiling is the typical monster. But Ting taught me the sharing but saving way. We bought two meals and share! All of us finished clean. All except Joce. I don't know what's wrong with that girl but a BigBreakfast without buns and hashbrown?? She always eats like a bird! & she still wants to go on diet. ROAR!!! What is the world coming to? Stick thin girls in danger of being blown off by a gust of wind? ArGH!!!!!

The way she eats is irritating me! & the food is wasted! She should just ask for "auntie BigBreakfast, bu yao buns, bu yao hashbrown" But then I'll feel so.....ARGH!!...coz a BigBreakfast without these is just like chicken rice without rice. Then I remember Ting always tell me mayo is fattening. Maybe next time I should tell the auntie "McChicken burger, bu yao lettuce, bu yao mayo, bu yao bun" Then its just a fried piece of chicken fillet. Then I pay for a meal for what?

It's already high noon. He still hasn't replied to my sms. & I just realised I've been wearing this neclace for months! Not 7 months obviously...maybe 5? I don't know. It took him quite long to cough up this present. It's 3 hearts linked. Which I remember the dragon lady telling me the disaster of 3. 3's a crowd. & whne that crowd's in a relationship its plain hell. Why did he give me this? Tml I shall ask him.

Once I commented I want a trilogy series engagement ring when my time comes. To AngMohs, it means, past'present'future. To chinese it means the foreshadowing of a 3rd party. 3 lei! I'm wearing 3hearts somemore lei! If its diamonds it wont be so bad. If we part I still have diamonds mah. But its silver hearts! Why 3? Jeremy why 3? Tml I ask him. Then he'll respond in that way of his. "Bu hao meh" Haiz. Sometimes I wonder if I have a boyfriend or....? wahahah.

Oh the baby won't be coming for 2months! 2 bloody months! This time I tink I'm in for shit! That dragonlady will just harp on and on about me. Like last night. Only this time, they'r all in it. Bloody shit.

He's still not replying. Is it coz of the question...of the malaysian by the name of Karen....hm.....

Friendster is pretty crazy. I bet everybody's wonder who's viewed their page. I do. No point suppressing the curiorsity.

Samuel. Just stop pretending alright. You used to be 0-dao boiz-o. Just that you changed now. Just frigging get away.

My dad always snigger at the idea of my mom being religious. She is. Just that he believes she's being silly. He said there's no point worshipping a stature of clay moulded into ferocious figures. He's always been scornful of anything magical, religious and miracle realms.

He does have his point. Do anybody know if these Gods have been for real? Are there truly Heaven & Hell for all? Do they hear our prayers & attempt to right us from wrong? Do they mete out appropriate punishments for evil doing? Are they the ones who decide our fates? Is there even fate then when you come to think of.

Personally, I think about God occasionally. Or rather Gods specifically. I've always been taken for christain. I don't know why. Coz I just have THIS face I guess. Don't ask me what face. Its just this face. But I've been to Buddhist temples and Taoist practises. My house has a Tao Pei Gong. I pray to Guang Ying Niang Niang when exams draw near. I put up offerings for Kong Zi when major acadamic periods arrive, eg. O-levels, A-levels.

(Incidentally, I just remember something Mr Wee said about progressing along the paper chase. He told us at the end of our education, our kindergarten cert will be the biggest of all. Cheapskate Unis. Pui!) Anyway back to the God thing.

I pray when I fan tai shui (its a chinese thing to offer prayers to this God when your zordic horoscope supposedly clash with him at the beginning of the year.) I turn up for every major Chinese festivals offerings to my grandparents. Every Qing Ming, Zhong Qui Jie, Duan Yuan Jie, Chinese New Year & a tang-yuan thing which Chinese do at the end of every lunar year. The 5 major festivals in short.

I like the smell of joss sticks, lighting the red candles and kneeling on cushions. I like the process of preparing a feast for festivals. I like pouring out the cups of rice wine and tea. But I don't like the shovings and pushings whenever these festivals roll round. For one, aunties are never polite creatures to begin with. I think they have this mentality of all-for-themselves. Kiasu siao Ah-So. They make me despise the auntie cohort & tire me when I wiggle a way in the leopard clothed crowd(I don't know what it is with them but it has to be leopard patterns on their clothes. Sheesh.)

But I've been in with Jesus too. I attended church camp. I sit in services. & when I have troubles, I consult Him. I pray to every God I can think of actually.But that's not the point!

The point is I like Gods! Most do! Its a mental deposit. We worry about the strange phenomenons. The idea of having protectors around to keep these away is comforting. In the olden days, people don't have much to rely on. We may have sci&tech to answer the strange now. But it's all forced theroies isn't it? There are some things which just can't be explained just by the Law of Newton or Periodic Table or anything scientific. Which is why religion is still rampant till this days. There will always be this scramble for reassurance in every sense. Gods provide precisely that. They appease our mental anguish. They operate in mysterious ways at times.( I say at times coz look @ that uncle of mine. He's enjoying bloody frigging live when he should be rotting in despair. Stupid bastard) They control our mental activities.

All this Santa Claus crap keeps me in reins becuase I want goodies. Gods work like this too. We refrain from wrong becoz we worry about going to Hell when we die. They serve a perfect purpose. They govern people more appropriately than governments(well Sg govt is dictatorian, no chnace of comparing).

You must be wondering where did all this crap of God comes from. It sprouted from a canteen discussion with the CLA mates. For some reason, we were exchanging horror stories. Those movies and personal sightings. XinYi started it. She went on about how she watched a show about paper dolls murdering people. frankly, it freaks me a little. After all I attended a wake just last night and meet these dolls. Not that I saw the dolls moving but they have this morbid smile. All paper dolls have. But last night's was especially pronounced. Their smiles I mean. *Shudders*

I told them about my dreams of being dead. So far, at last count, I've died quite a few spectacular deaths in my dreams. I found it quite cool actually. Not many people can boast of being dead and knowing the Netherlands. I can. Apparently, it's not a good sign. They suggest I make offerings. Know what my dream dream(the first dream is a descriptive) is? I want to dream of me being a paper doll. I'm afraid at the same time though. What is it that I did which offended these beings?

The most horrible death I suffered was a suicide jump. I dreamt of going to a mall with Jeremy. Its just like how we go about on a normal date. Except that that mall is also my hostel. Then my parents were hunting for evidence of me with him. We were running and hiding from all this when I appeared at the rooftop. In the dream Fann Wong jumped to death with me. Don't ask why her of all people. I dont know as well. I remember this dream so well becoz we were not dead when we landed. I was vomitting blood and experiencing spasms like a spastic chicken. I didnt feel pain but i witness my final moments from an-out-of-the-body view. I saw myself dying. Then I woke up and saw that its only 2.30am. What a loser dream.

Anyway, I told my mom about it. That's why I learnt of my dad's dreams.(refer to Supernatural entry) Now she's worried. She's always felt that this house's wierd in that sense. She'll get us the black beads. I don't know if it'll work. But I feel like going to a temple. It has the immediate effect which the beads wont accomplish. I'll feel clean maybe. But what temple to visit? So far the ones I know are for studying purposes. Never mind I shall find out. & go myself!

P.S. I finished a whole stick of strawberry chocolates while doing this entry. Considering the fact that it has 200 over little pieces in side, that's quite a feat for a 20mins entry.Bloody shit! So much for a diet! Frigging hell! & I ate that Merci chocs and Pooh choc sticks just that day. Where is all this choc coming from? No wonder the cough's getting irritating.

What will you do when you attend the wake of friend's granny? Considering the fact that most probably you don't know her, I won't be surprised to be answered with shrugs. The only wakes I've attended was my granny's and my maternal uncle's. Besides I'm practically a novice.

Just attended this family friend's granny's wake & I return feeling awkard. Whenever I see small families, I wonder if they can cope. What with being so compact and reliable on every person, its quite tiring to guard a wake through the 5days.

Which got me thinking about my granny's wake. I was surprised to find that we actually covered the whole of the void deck. That the food we consumed was alot. That our family currently totalled at 63. On my dad's side. Since then there's been a few additions. But while its nice to have a big extended family, the politics they play is always tiring. But I wont forget the fun we have.

I'm pretty incoherent now. It's been a confusing day.

Do you believe in ghosts? I sincerely do. I'm just a coward. I don't sleep in the dark. Like I said before, darkness belies too many insecurity. It's pretty discerning to not be able to tell where your specs are. Considering the fact that I'm litherally blind without specs, darkness is dangerous. Ironic.

Anyway I've been dreaming of being dead. Its just like this world in netherland. Just that there's this surreal element for effect. I told my mom about it. Turn out the same night, my dad had a dream about the bedroom infested with ghosts. He attempted to get rid of them in his dream only to thrash around in bed and wake my mom up. That's bad enough. Until she got a call.

It sounds so ominious. Actually its a friendly call la. This friend of hers has a daughter working at Cheers(pun. Cheers for only NTUC. Bloddy high prices) There's a midnight shift whereby she works from 1-5am. Her first day of work was the midnight shift. Being a newbie, she did whatever she was told. So she obediently took the thrash out to the back. Saw this hose spraying by itself, suspended in midair as though an invisible hand was holding it. By common sense, I'll have ran a mile and quit the job straight. No! I take that back. I'll quit at 7am when the dawn break.s At least I can stay in the shop till then.

She(!) went closer to have a look. My god! That girl's got some nerve! Ever since then she's been down on luck. Not to mention the fact she almost died. She saw no car coming and proceeded to cross the road. Her friend pulled her back and she was saved by inches. Then she told her friend she wanted to throw rubbish into a chute which she saw. Nothing's there. It lasted all the way till the lunar 7th month ended. *Goosebumps*

I've seen my share of the supernatural. No matter how much gothic is drilled into me, I'll believe in this. But I'm never been placed in a situation whereby my life's hanging in tetters. I hope I never will have to face that. Dreaming myself dead is more than enough.

I wonder if I'm still up for sleeping alone....Hm.....

Monday blues. Bloody blues. Not mine. A roadside girl's.

I was just doing my mundane stuff. Crossing that quiet road. Blasting my discman(my god! if ppl still use discs! nowadays I think I'm practically extinct). I didn't even take note of that couple. They looked normal enough. Like those young malay couple.

Until the girl turned tail & followed the guy around. She was aimless, only seeing him. I won't pass comments on the guy or the girl. I don't know the full story. I simply witness a part of the drama. Maybe a crucial part. Or maybe it's a replay. The guy seems pretty exasperated. He didn't shove nor ignore the girl though. She's pathetic in her plea but she's determine.

If you can ever imagine a crying desperate girl kneeling on sharp pebbles, you can jolly well imagine the turmoil she must be in. It's not an easy feat to simply throw all caution to the wind and shove your diginity aside. It takes alot to even break down in public, no matter how deserted it may be. I've never cried in public except when young. I've been slapped and shouted at. Initially the stares makes me an alien. Eventually I deal with it.

But kneeling to beg is an entirely different thing. It's a plea which may never reap an answer. To do it with buses of people staring at you, pedestrians ogling and taxis stopping to watch, it's not easy to simply ignore such scrutinity on your private issues. It means she ha sonly eyes for him I guess. Him & his acceptance which she won't ever have again.

It wasn't till I crossed to the other side then I noticed the taxi with the elderly couple inside. The lady looked like a carbon copy of the woman sitting in the cab. The drama intensified then. The guy had been polite all the way. He was at his wits end but he was polite nonetheless. Gradually the voices got louder & penetrates through my sound barrier. It escalated to a shouting match & I've walked off too far by then.

The drama unfolded even after I left I'm sure. But it leaves me wondering what had happened to warrant such a measure. There's no doubt she must have invested her all. Did the guy get tired of her? Or did she contribute to this end? Clingy? Possessive? Etc etc. Or was she traded in for a newer modle of love? Will they ever end up together? Or does it spell the end forever?

These questions will never be answered. Its a coincidence I stepped upon this drama. Now the ending is left to the imagination. Reflecting on the way it is, thinking about it practically, I hope she'll wake up and learn to respect herself. Even if they do patch up, it'll just fall apart again. He'll feel obligated and obligation has never been a positive contributing factor for constructive relationships.

But like I said. It's a roadside drama which I had no part in. It's a roadside girl's story.

Another futile shopping trip. All in a rush down to Paragon. Geez. Sometimes I wonder if my aunts and mom did it purposely. You see, at around closing time there's practically no one in the store. That's when you get the king&queen service. That's what we got @ Gucci.

The thing is, my aunts are not hardup for cash but the designs they pick really isn't my taste. Maybe the older generation has different tastes from us. Maybe that's the generation gap thingy. But whatever. I saw a design i like but my mom doesn't like. Anyway she offered me two choices. A Gucci or Lv.

My dad'll be flying over to France for a 3weeks conference and exhibition. He can get the stuff at a discounted price coz no GST! So the mission to pick the perfect bag began a few weeks ago. It started with my mom purchasing every fashion mag on newstands. Then she'll slowly flip through and mark down the models she wants. On my part, I surf the net for the latest collection. So far only the LV colour and Gucci snakeskin is presentable. I mean you wont be caught dead ina fur thingy in Orchard Rd. What's the deal with fur, fuax or geninue anyway? Its uncomfortable.

Dilly dally, chitt chatty, in the end I still didn't get my bag. My aunts told me it'll spoil easily coz its satin. Soooo I'll be zooming on LV but Lv's pretty crazy. It's all the same. Maybe its time to scout for French brands. Geez.

The above is the random ditzy idiot at work. The main issue of this entry is blue lashes are nice. I did it last night and the effect is nice. Much better than brown and more dramatic than black. It's only navy blue but under the light is mighty fine. Initially I thought the colour wont be noticeable. Plus the wand was caked(its been left alone for a long time). But the overall effect is wow....

But I spend 15mins on the lashes alone. The full works lei. Curler and heat and self perm. The lashes actually entended to look like a fan. Of coz its damn nice la. Otherwise its a waste of my time. I'm stocking on blue mascara from now on. Ha!

P.S. I almost suffered a heart attack when I saw him walking behind me &my mom. So much for a surprise. It a shock more like it.

Two of my engaged cousins broke off their engagments for guys they said are supposedly better. How much better we have no idea. But one thing about it is that both their fiance were from rich family backgrounds. Which was why their affairs stirred a big hooha amongst family members esp the aunties. I don't understand most of aunty ideas usually but this time round, I'm standing on the pragmatic side. Why on earth let a rich guy go?? Especially when he' so besotted with you??

Maybe that's the problem. Having a besotted boyfriend is just like having a pet. Every decision has to be made by you coz they don't want to upset you. Every comment by you is greeted with an "orh" "ok" "alright" & no other reactions can be seen. Just like they say "your wish is my command". Geez. It drives me up the wall countless of times. & I only manage to get down only about once a month. & when I do stay on ground finally, its only to have me driven up again. Not to mention that such boyfriends hover over you like second-skin, hoping to attend to your every need.

I've seen them at family gatherings. They are shy, shi wen type. The scholar kind. A.K.A the boring kind. One of the cousins actually told us he's so boring that his idea of fun is watching a midnight show. Nothing else! coz he has to lead a healthy lifestyle. I don't deny its admirable but that's boring. Now that she dumped him for a younger model, he must be resentful. After all her business was helped by him. Wahahha set up shop for girlfriend & her xiao bai lian. I do pity him. The other one's almost the same; boring ugly boring sad boring moody boring. But he's the stingy kind. Maybe that explains why he's rich. The whole family must be scrimping and saving. Like those auntie cutting out coupons from papers & mags whenever there's voucher kind. Hey! Those can save you loads okies!

The current boyfriends may be hip. They may have fun now. But when it comes to settling down, the second-skin boyfriends will always win hands-down. No doubt couples should have fun. Fun spices up the life. But you don't spend the rest of your lives in bed. Marriage is bulit on financial ability & commitment as well. These fun types won't be tied down by a family. Most probably they'll hope to feed off you as well. Money may not bring happiness but without money, happiness is a definite no-no. That's when a guy whom the lady can dependent on is needed.

My dad says a girl can choose 2 types of husbands & that will determine the quality of life they'll lead. They are Mineral Water & the Flavoured Drinks.

Mineral Water:May be bland. Tasteless and boring. Like I mentioned, the most exciting thing they'll do is watch a midnight horror show. They are good for your health though. Early sleeping habits prolongs life. & though it may be easily acquired, the wealth of minerals is absorbed differently by each individual. But no matter what minerals taken in, it's always for the best of your health. These water guys takes care of you. They strive to give you the best and protect you. Only then is there a chance of happily-ever-after.

Flavoured Drinks: In contrast to the bland water, it adds a interesting element to life. It has bubbles to bloat you on happiness and sweet tastes to keep you lingering on coupledom. All of us love coke/beer/pepsi/ice lemon tea/etc etc. But when consumed for a long period, it rots your insides. When the bubbles are no longer available and the sweetness has turned bland, the assumed happily-ever-after no longer applies. That's when you have to dump the coke for water. But by then, what kind of a water wants you? Those murky cant-consumed-from-the-tap kind of water. You'll return to round one all over again.

Just like Coco's Bei Ai De Nui Ren, I can't get up from every failed relationship only to return to the game again. Women don't have forever.

At the end of the day, I want my Mineral Water. He may be lifeless, bland and plain old boring as well as common. But I can change him by adding that slice of lemon peel and leaving it in the fridge to cool. I can add any kind of peel to change his taste according to my preferrences. A coke or beer can never be changed by me. They will only give me trouble if not pain.

Just came back from piano lesson. Actually its not just la...Its been hours...But the teacher was amusing today. We were playing this note and I had to learn half beat. I thought I was playing this blues score rather well but my fucking beat was all wrong! My ego gets....huge...at times. Wahahaha! So the teacher finally told me the mi jue! To play that score I need to be very chang qi... & we went back to 1+2+3+4+ Was like "wa lau...." Still I'm glad I learnt it all in one sitting. All from the way she played. I still know shit about half beat. I'm dumb or what?

On the way down to NTUC, this auntie in front of me was ticking her boy off. His crime: voicing his opinion of his piano teacher to his face(yes its uncommon to have a MALE piano teacher but they exist okies...). What is this shit?? Respect teachers like your parents?? Even in this age? Even when your teacher is bloody asshole who thinks himself the Casanova of Cristofori of Punggol branch?? When his face looks like its in a permanent disarrangement? Sheesh! Parents!

Speaking of parents, I'm reminded of my chinese paper compre today. Its a short commentary on western and eastern parents. It states that Asian parents are uptight and will stoop to anything to get through to the kid. AngMoh parents will give a free rein to their kids though. One thing good about that: the kids learn independence easier.

It even goes all the way to say the way these Asian parents pry into their kids, it turns their kids off even more. Which is completely and utterly true. Look at my freako of a mom. She doesn't get the meaning of PRIVACY. I can bloody explain it a million zillion times & my words will simply bounce off her. She's just....immune...to words such as FREEDOM, PRIVACY and HAPPINESS. She's the advocate of words such as DICTATOR, TOUGHNESS, TOTALITARIAN. What was she feed when a child to turn out this way?? But then my maternal family is very uptight about taboo issues, like sex and relationships. While I understand tehir take on it, it makes them all the more boring and creatures I find myself yawning at. My nature never fails to amaze me. I wonder where I get all this "western" hypes.

Since young I never did know the joy of making decisions. She make the rules and we simply obey. No question asked. Totally Singaporean. Totally Singapore Government. Not till I'm 13 then i learnt of my gong gong state. From then on, its downhill all the way for our relationship. Everything I did on the sly was me giving her the middle finger. The more she pried the more I shy. & I'll carry on till the day she lets me go. It is most probably when I have one leg into my grave.

P.S. My god! Channel U has this show on LOVE & MAKING LOVE. Singapore's going love crazy. I won't be caught in this epidermic. I generate this phenomenon. I'm a crazy-in-love kid. Who wonders when my fairytale will end.

I'm wearing the extra long strand of pearls over my kappa 5-year old sweater. I'm going siao liao. One good thing which comes out of it: Its the exact same shade of a milk pearl as the one my AhMa got me! I loves yous babes! Yous heard my words!

I'm sure every kid had been through pranks be it being the planner or the subject of the prank. At times, the joke is funny yet endangering to other's well-being. But its all done in jest with no ill intentions. No kid has the capability to hate a playmate to the extent of causing grievous harm. But sometimes these jokes turn out disastrous & in serious cases, permanent mark is left.

The baby's mom said a kid got admitted in hospital today. He's paralysed from waist down. All becuase his classmate pulled his chair & he fell on the floor. It won't have been that serious had he been slightly fleshier around the butt. Unfortunately that boy's skinny like a monkey. The immediate impact creaked his spine. If he wasn't conscious when it happened the pain may get him but he screamed all the way into the operation theatre. I can't imagine the pain. & having to know you'll never walk again when you excel at sprinting. Geez.

I've been through my fair share of pranks. I'm those sad cases. I'm always the subject. Pathetic girl. The first serious one was me falling off my bike coz my bro decided to bump me off the bike trail. Scraped both my knees and screamed my way home(we were at the garden just below my flat). The second was my bro slamming the door on me. We were playing catching and the doorknob caught me in the eyebrow. It's the only permanent scar I have to show till now.

The last but most significant time was the worst of all. I still remember it was spring cleaning for Chinese New Year. My mom moved all the furniture from the rooms to the living room. Amongst these was a glass top coffee table. Since my bro & I were bored shitless, we ran round the whole house. Eventually we climbed unto the sofa and jumped from sofa to tables to cabinets to the *gasp* glass table. Being the Jiejie means I take the lead. So the unsuspecting me jumped onto the table and my left leg went through the glass easily. It's exactly like those Jackie Chan fighting when they fall on glass tops. the glass cut me from my heels up to my knees. This time it took me quite some time to reaction. Firstly I was shocked into the pain. Secondly, I worry my mom would whipped me if I let loose on my wails. Thirdly, I've just created more work for her.

AhMa saw the blood pooling and shouted for my mom. Only then did I let loose with my screams. I have aphobia for blood for starters. I have an even huge phobia for pain. These two combine & I'll scream down the area. That time my dad grabbed me when my AhMa picked out the glass pieces stuck in my flesh. That's bloody disgusting and I shuddered when I think of it. Thank god my marks are left on me thanks to AhMa's mi fang!

The subsequent landmark injuries were self inflicted. Another permanent scar will be the pencil lead stuck forever on my right forefinger. My dad bought me a new pencil. It was all the rage to buy those pencils of jointed leads. So I absolutely had to have one of mine, only to lodge it in my fingers. I only know I had more than one stuck in my flesh that day. & that once again, it was my AhMa who dug out all the leads except for one. But I guess its fine now. Its visible but the skin grew over it. So the colour's grey. I try not to look at it as far as possible.

Then there's the all time skin peeling. Frankly, I no longer feel the pain in my right forefinger. Could it be the lead? Or is it coz it bleeds every other day? It bleeds but doesn't hurt. The sensory system is spoilt. & I'm only 18. How to keep at it for my life time?

Two other significant falls happened in both secondary school. First was a fall down the stairs. That's only bruises on the butt and back. Lucky I'm fleshy. Big butt you know *winkz* = sexy ass. Yea. Then the next was a slide down my front on siglap hill. Once again, I'm lucky I have big boobs. Cushion the fall. Really! Nothing on my face only for a cut lip and scrapped both knees. I must have looked like those ugly Stephen Chow ladies with the blood down my chin. Yucks!

& that concludes my majesty falls in my lifetime(for now la). When I drive, I worry about my metal shell. Coz at least I have my boobs and ass to fall back on you know. The metal has to carry all the heavy flesh around. Oh man...when I drive...

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

Went for a random family dinner last night. None other than our usual Pasir Panjang zuzu place. & Sweetie ah yi came up with the logic for me to never believe in love. Ever.

Well, the dragonlady brought up the topic of boyfriends first. She kept telling my aunts I'm a fucked up distracted student. So Sweetie launched into her views. I'm not irritated at all this advice. Like they say, they've been there, done that. They know what it's like & seriously, they are trying to protect me from the bad experience they got through. The ironic part is, most probably my experience has exceed their worst fears and they have no idea of it.

So Sweetie told me to consider my options carefully now. It's been all the same point. Studies is the most important now, no degree no live, boyfriends hinder you & all that advice. Frankly, it's just bullshit. But she brought up another point. She told me he'll change in NS, we'll differ if our education levels ain't the same, that we'll want different goals out of life. Her advice went on to cover the grounds whereby we can work out our differences and compromise all through the years. Her conclusion, love doesn't last more than 5years. Passion is once in a lifetime with that same person. 5years is the max one can reach. She told me if i decide to marry him, it'll most probably a marriage for the sake of marrying. Then giving birth for the sake of having kids.

She said only if a person's really the dumps, then should they hold onto a relationship as soon as possible. People who are considered ugly or disfigured or disabilities. We're not being mean and my aunt certainly isn't discriminating against these people. She's just stating a fact. Wont you try to cling to somebody who loves you if love for you is hard to comeby? I would. But she doesn't think I need worry about that. After aunts are aunts. She loves me & she believes the best of me. accordingly to her I certainly can forgo the love sector now. She doesn't think I should worry about it. Coz I have the qualities to make it out there, out on the adults playing ground, out in society. Coz I'll be equipped with a degree, a presentable look(provided if I do go for lipo and reconstruction) and a decent family background. Little does she know the tainted past. Well, let's say the guys are willing to accept that, then I'll have no problems I guess. The question: Why tie yourself down?

On my part, I've always known it all along that love never do last. I believe I've mentioned my parents' relationship before. They don't love each other anymore. They're just together for the sake of being together. Just because they have a family and they hold responsibilities. At this time, what they have for each other is tolerance. Not happiness, not passion and certainly not love. Love subsides after awhile.

Come to think of it...it could be precisely due to this fact, that's why wives put up with the mistresses shit of husbands. hm....when the day comes for me to be just a woman with no love, knowing my husband is chasing shorter skirts and tighter skins out there, I'll let you know how I cope. [KIV]

It could be she's jaded. It could be the depair love gives me. We don't feel secure in relationships. Look at my aunts. Of 8 of them, 2 of them are divorced. They could have worked out differences if they were in love. But love was no longer available. Love is always busy, constantly on a new target. To give all a false sense of belonging to somebody, no matter who that person is.

For me, I've hold true for most of my relationships. Just that they don't appreciate me. Now that one comes along, it's nice to indulge in the naive love for the very first time. A proper courtship. Currently, its been a fine 7months. More than fine actually. But I've always wondered when it'll end too. There's just this pessimistic side present all the time. I like tying myself down now because its for someone who's worth it at least. But come next year, will we still feel the same?

I evaluated this relationship. We may get pass this year, or maybe next year, even even longer. But people change. I'll never know if he'll change or I'll change. Seven months is a long time yet a short time. It doesn't signify anything. He may feel alright with his NS & me now. A few months down the road, his duties may make me a iron on his ankles. Or vice versa when I attend U. Even if we sail through periods safely, can we compromise on our differences? I don't think so. We conflict and insist. First borns seldom get along well for long. He may feel the right one now. But I'll feel like all my boyfriends are my right ones. That's why I'm with them.

In any case, 18 is a dangerous number. Teenage years, peer pressure, family objections. It's sickening to know the future won't belong to you&him. I'm trying to cherish whatever it is even if it means playing hide and seek constantly with our parents. Its tough to always keep up appearances in front of family, the lies the stories the deceit. It's tiring but in exchange for a little passion, its crazy but fulfilling shit. & so I'll carry on my dream for till it ends I guess. Then I'll move on to find another one whom I feel is the RightOne. Coz I believe in having my own family still. Even if it means having a husband who can only tolerate me but not love me.

I want to be a xiao nui ren.

Warning: This is an ultra long entry.

There's a chinese saying "jia jia you pen nan nian de jing". Problems exist in every family, no matter how happy they may seem. More members means more problems. At least that's what I think. Speaking from experience, the pros & cons of a big family is almost like government politics. I enjoy both the privileges of an extended famly as well as a close knitted family. I'm at the advantage of both worlds coz of my paternal & maternal sides are vastly different.

The reason for writing this entry is because recently, an event changed the dynamics of a family ever since. Before I can even dive into the whole saga, an introduction to the Family is required. Otherwise you'll just get lost along the way.

My dad has 9 other siblings. One elder bro, one younger sister & the rest are older sisters. My grandparents were in businesses, so their lives were relatively well-off. My AhGong was a spendthrift and not an ouce of a business-mind in him. So the businesses were left in te=he hands of my AhMa. I have to admit she's a wonder woman who has the right principles of that time. Though my dad was not required to lift a finger, he was made to coz to my grandparents, boys should always know to endure hardships. Only when they were forced through then would they be able to support their own families next time. So my dad job hopped from the age of six.

Coz he was the youngest bro around, my aunts generally dote on him alot. His uniforms were sewn together by my aunts. His meals were taken off by them. His workload was shared amongst the sisters at times. Because he has to study as well. He told me he needed to get up by 4 every morning to deliver the pigs to the market, then he'll come home to change and attend school. After school, he'll pick up odd jobs such as making umbrellas or feeding the farm animals. If he's free, he'll skive off with his playmates for games and swimming. He never does his homework and my grandparents couldnt care less. In those days, as long as you know your ABCs and chinese, the world is open to you. Not much emphasis is put on studies. When festivals roll round, my dad and aunts don't attend school but stay home to help with preparation.

My uncle has to stop school by pri4 coz he wasnt making progress at all. So he took up the butcher shop and did business from then on. My dad carried on with his education till sec4. I guess that's where the jealousy comes in for my uncle. Coz my dad was able to achieve that level while he would always be stuck in a market. My AhMa was proud of my dad but never encouraged him to move on to a higher education. she regretted it greatly when they moved out of their kampong though. Coz that's when degrees give one power.

Half way through their childhood though, my six aunt turned up. She was given away at birth coz my Ahgong didn't want another girl. After giving her up, my AhMa decided to stand her ground and keep all future daughters with her. Which is why when my sixth aunt turned up, they were a family again. Subsequently, she brought her sister from the other family over. Therefore my Sweetie AhYi.

Now with this new addition, my uncle's unbalanced mentality got even worse. He believed my dad was taking up everybody's affections. When he got married to a strange case, they distant themselves from the Family ever since. Even when my AhGong was deathbed, pining for this son to visit him, never once did he turn up willingly. That wife of his was with him at gambling dens all day. They simply left their son in my AhMa's care.

When my AhMa suffered a heart attack, my dad has to return home from work to cook everyday. Never once did they cook a dinner for us even though they know it was hard on my dad. They were too selfish to realise that. Eventually, the butcher business got so well that uncle can place huge bets. But he lost it all and owed the loansharks overnight. My sick AhGong AhMa had to take all their money to prevent the loansharks from setting the house on fire.

After my AhGong passed away, my uncle demanded for a car. So my AhMa sponsored one. & he kicked up a big fuss coz it was as fancy as the one my dad had. I can't deny that my dad had the better car but he need it coz he was only a salesman then. He worked for my 2nd aunt's husband but they didnt even give him any means of transport though they jolly well know my dad had to carry a huge sample bag around. Everybody thought he was a doctor then, hahah, with his big black bag. Seeing the poor thing he was, my AhMa bought him a car. So my uncle had to have a car too. Selfish bastard.

Initially, when my dad started working for my 2nd aunt, the business was only mediocre. Coz they only brought in the lousy and ugly models. According to my AhMa, it's so lan. My dad being the youngster brought in all the cool brands then. (it was the shen dian sia ear then). Gradually busniess picked up. But my aunt's eldest daughter said my dad was just an worker, that her dad's wealth comes from the stocks. My fucking ass! Where does the money for the stock come from? ! From the lousy business my dad picked up!

AhMa was so pissed after that she gave my dad capital to get his own business. Therefore the life I'm able to lead now. Then the jealousy of my uncle got worst! He believes our affluent to be sourced from my AhMa. Another Frigging bastard sign! My AhMa offered us money for private houses and my dad turned it down coz he's worried about that. Coz of one fucked up person, I never get a swimming pool in my house! !@#$$%

AhMa also offered my uncle money to upgrade his 3room flat to a 4room one, but coz his wife refuse to stay with AhMa, they turned down her offer. Only when my AhMa was in the hospital, when doctors declared that she'll never get well, then did they decide to get a bigger flat.

Even before my AhMa expressed anything, they enquired about the jewelery and property of hers. They wanted to make sure they know everything of her assets. Coz it was too late to make a will by then (under e influence of morphine, the law rejected her will), my uncle declared that being the elder son he has the right to dispense the assets as he like.

My 3rd aunt took charge though. She held the control. When my uncle refused to hand over the bank books, she threatened to hand over all stocks to my dad. Only then did he give up the bank accounts. His reason for claiming all bank accounts : It's all joint accounts with his name. Coz my dad is usually busy with the business, my AhMa gets my uncle to send her to banks therefore name. Only bank visits will my uncle be miraculously free. Otherwise his shadow will never darken our doorsteps.

Even when we were preparing the wake, his bloody wife had the cheek to tell my mom to never interfere with the Family affairs. It was only a subtle hint. So when the division of family assets came up, that fucked up couple lay claimed to almost 90% of it. Ties went downhill from then on. They broke our family up. We no longer attend family functions till recently. Nobody wanted to meet up till recently.

& now the bloody couple had the cheek to tell my youngest aunt that he feels awkard with my dad around. He claimed that my dad didnt want to talk to him. He said they were the only brothers, that they should be close. It was all a pretty speech to win the aunts over.

My dad doesn't want to talk to him?? My parents send the mooncakes personally to their house, give my first cousins big hongbaos, calls them up to arrange the annual ancestary visits & that fucked up aunt shouted down the phone that they will go alone. Don't want to talk to them! How fucked up can they be?? So now they are the victims!!

Fucking hell! What a fucked up uncle I have! What family! I have much more stories to tell but this family is the worst of them all!

As for my maternal side, I only has 3aunts. Its a simple family. Thos eEnidBlyton family. No problems no trouble. Just that 2 are divorced and one unmarried. Only my mom has the perfect family. But like I said, no family is perfect. Her absurb temperament comes from her side of her family. My eldest aunt & her are exactly the same. My 2nd aunt is easily agitated but no violent. My youngest aunt is the closest to me. She's still young at heart.

Besides that, its all the boring bits and pieces of a mundane family. Every thing about them is politically and morally correct. They vote PAP, eat healthy products, believe in respect for the elders, that kids should be seen not heard. But they love me unconditionally. Haha coz I'm the only girl. But in any way, I love them!

I believe smoking is addictive to selected individuals. You can choose to get on it to become addicted to it. Or you can choose to have a puff or two only when its absolutely necessary. I didnt let myself go. I only let myself have a luxury of a puff once in a while.

I guess that's the only thing I need to come clean about right now. I sneak a smoke or two once in a while. I broke it off for years. It felt like centuries. I got on without it for more than 4years now. & suddenly it's back. argh! Ciggies! I'm going crazy.

Anyway I was lying on my bed early morning when the idea of being amoral come up to me. Remember I said I am still very much a traditional chinese girl? I've decided that actually I'm not that much of a traditional epitome. I believe in all things supernatural about the chinese and the morals they price above others. But when it comes to certain issues such as sleeping around, I can discard such conservative views.

I'm not saying I can actually sleep around. Like I said I can never sleep with a different guy every night. I am a one-man woman policy. It's just not in me to go round knowing more sex partners. It's a form of cheating. But at times, being amoral helps too. Like when you can see no dustbin & its disgusting to keep holding onto the tissue filled with muscus. You can simply throw this filth on the ground and walk away without any conscious attack. That's bliss.

Amoral is better than immoral in the sense that immoral is when you know its wrong but you insist on doing it anyway. What decides in which category do one belong to? This hypocrite of a scoiety? Who states the norm and the absurb then? Who decided that women are the weaker sex? Who justified that skinny is better than obese? Just who?

& the urge for a ciggie has just kicked in again. He's bringing me for a little walk. I hope the air clears the urge.

Once in awhile, reality just gets so real and running a mile away from it is the only solution. I slip into a temporary escape when my reality hits me hard. It's all done up in my head. It can be effective but the happiness derived is only a temporary high. It can only serve its purpose for that long a time.

Today I need my escape again. To disgress a bit(just a little bit)I blew a thing out of proportion yesterday. Wahaha! Me and my superb imagination. I guess I'm always worried about revenge since I've never been the most tolerant girlfriend. There goes the saying of reaping what you sow.

I need a temporary escape because finally, I have to face the fact that we are different. The disparity of the ideas regarding life, work, us just differs. Initially I thought we were similar. Which we are to a certain extent. But his character is the opposite of mine. He was the clown today. But it can't be matched up to mine. & that to him is his craziness. What
about mine then? I think he'll collapse of heart attack.

Went down to Ikea for lunch. I had my usual meatballs and wings. The princess cake just doesn't befit its image and name. All the usual taitais and AngMohs were there as well. Well now that I'll elaborate later on.

The essential part is that while going round the home decor department, I have to admit then that we are strongly different individuals. He lives his house with a range of themes. I love mine in strong colours and white. He likes his sleek and shiny. Showflat kind. Mag designer kind. I like mine laid back and warm. I want a wall whereby I change the design as and when I like. I want colourful tiles to make up for my mundane life. I want a range a colours to rip my emotions. But he has his ideas and its not bad at all. Just not for me. Just like mine won't work for him. So we simply indulge in that sparse moments of being together.

Anyway at the restuarant, an incident left a bad taste in my mouth. Half way through our lunch, an angmoh mummy brought a daughter along. I didn't particularly take notice of them. But lunch was silent on our part and it seemed that observing other people was the next available. It was then that the little girl caught my eye. She was scolding her mom like nobody's business! Fucking brat!

We pay expatriates to flaunt their daughters in designer gards and high end schools to have their smart little mouths shooting off rude remarks. Stupid Government. The verbal abuse would have been the end of the show. But this girl had the audacity to grad her bag just then and told her mom she's taking a cab home and she's going to lock all doors to their freaking bungalow! That mummy only calming replied that she doesn't have money for cab while sipping her oh-so-high-class coffee. Little brat threw her bag right into her mother's face and demanded to have her bag instead.

Frankly, if I were the Mummy, I'll simply throw a slap across that sickening little face. Save my breath on shouting and correcting her. But then again, if I were the Mummy, the girl would never have behaved the way she did. My kids will never behave the way she did. I do have a formiable anger and authority. My mom gave me some useful genes.

Anyway, back to escaping reality. Since our perceptions can't be converged, I skipped off to daydream for a while. Is there a compromise?

It seems some sort of addition helps with self insight.

I used to take long baths to scrub myself clean during that period.

I still do periodically.

I need a new addiction.

Maybe smoking will do.

I get figs for free at home.

Fucking lighter doesn't work.

I was asked a question.

Was being attached such a good feeling?

It's not. It's not at all. You may give all you feel, all you can, he just wont take note of it.

He'll just ignore it.

That's what I've got to say. Only.

Silly me! I changed my password myself and forgot about it entirely! I feel like I'm the stupidest on earth right now. ROAR!!!

Anyway These days, its been hard for me to pick up calls and answer sms. I've switched to another card babes! sorrie! But for the peace in my family life, it is the best possible solution. Just dropped me a line and hang up. Gimme 5 seconds to switch my cards and I'll call back! Promise!

I divert my calls from the starhub number. But its really money madness to answer it on my M1 line. It's fucking 20cents for barely a minute's call! No wonder they earn so much!

Lately those private numbers started again. It could very well be edwin. Or the music school. Or some psycho calling up to say "hello, sydney" only to hear my voice and say "wrong number". But the most probable answer is the voice on the other end asking me how much I am.

In retrospect, I'm rather stupid to have let them off so easily. I could have gotten more out of it financially. It could have served as a fulfilling experience had I kept an open mind. But then, I'm still the conventional chinese girl that I am. There's no way I can change my mindset. I can't go to bed with differnet guys every night and say its all in good faith. It's not. Its crap. Those past experience didnt offer me a pleasant way out. It left me a stained person even till now. It jerks me back into reality whenever I'm off to this planet Perfect.

What got into me to answer that "private number" call the other day I have no idea. Maybe for the fact that it was vibrating beside my pillow therefore my head was shaking like those short circuit toy. It won't do to ignore it when I want to get back to sleep so desperately & I always think its rude to hang up calls. A drowsy me answered with an impatient "hello"(it didnt register in mind then that it could be those people). A fimilar voice offered a hesitant "hey" back. It was a kick out of the blue.

Talk about wake-up call! The sleepiness disappeared immediately! Before I could even demand what he wants, he jumped the queue and asked me how I'm getting on. Getting on! Perfectly fine! If leaving me worried about my body,crying to nobody is the norm, I'm perfectly alright. What the fuck is wrong with his mind! I had to save my own skin of course.

"I'm perfectly fine. well with my bf of coz".

Ha! He had to the cheek to sound all disappointed like I let him down. To cut my expenses, I asked for his motive though I jolly well know it. What other ideas could he have about me but that of the birds and the bees? At least he's straight forward. He's changed. Previously he would have countered with "I miss you. Let's meet up for a movie"crap. He must have realised it doesn't work anymore.

He's not the only one who's changed. "I'll see then." I said coldy and hung up. Cool huh? I'm not utterly hopeless. Bless me.

YouYang mentioned most negative words begin with D.

Devil, dangerous, dumb, dilly dally, die, deaf, dildo(for some).

But come to think of it, we have words such as

Delicious, delicacy, dandelion, desire.

It's not so negative after all.

& my MSN account's been bloody hacked! I'm offline till I solve this.

Last night was the worst of all nights. Facing a the past week's dream-full nights, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings. Or should I say afternoons since its 1pm I got up.

Last night's was slightly different but completely similar.

It began with me tossing & turning in my bed, waiting for dreamland to cliam me once again. It took dream lord reasonably long to take me. But when he took me, I wished all over again that I was awake.

What a dream.

Now, most of you know my bad blood with Ms Lam. She's not bad as a teacher. She just doesn't me. We just don't click. She made a round of calls a few weeks ago to everyone. To check their revision progress. She didn't call me. Or maybe she did but I wasn't home to answer the call. Whatever. I couldn't care less about her.

Last night's dream was all about her. I dreamt she turned up at my house for house visit. All becoz I didn't pick up her call the other day. My bro answered the door in my dream & the dream me had this gut feeling it would be her at ringing the doorbell. He let her in & she told my parents all about me. Strange enough, she didn't mention calling my "dad"(now that's another story I don't wish to go into). But my parents were so disappointed with me that I couldn't face them anymore & died. I actually died in my dream.

I've wished myself dead or critically ill so my parents will knwo how much they love me. But it has never happened. So why in my dream? Its not the first time I'm dead in dream land. But still its kinda scary.

I woke up to a raging cramp in my left knee. Everything associated wtih that woman is painful. Lucky the cramp kept me from more similar dreams. By dawn, I've drifted off to pure sleep land. & woke up at 1pm once again.

Just flip through papers nowadays and you see all the emphasis on good customer service. The papers claimed Singapore's a cosmopolitan city which has world class service standards. Today's shopping trip tells me its all lies. Its a fucking propaganda by the Government AGAIN.

Browsed through the Levi's store @parkway & the salesman snubbed my dad. He must be thinking uncles don't deserve to carry the brand. Miserable white ass. If he's so fucking rich, he wont be standing in the shop working as a saleman. The store's only lucky that a humbler person serves us well. Felt like digging that white ass's eyes. That bloody irritating eyes.

No doubt my mom's asshole attitude contributes to the white ass's lousy service. She likes to put us in spots unwittingly. She talks etra loud while criticising everything about the clothes you're trying to the way the store arrange their stock. She ha sthis irritating habit of picking up clothes from the neat folded piles ignoring the similar designs hanging right in front of her. I'll appreciate evry much if she at least make the effort to replace the stock nicely. But no! She leaves everything ina crumbled heap after she's done with inspecting it. What sort of a salesperson likes her?

STILL! It's basic courtsey to keep up a smiling appearance in front of your customers no matter how frustrating it is for you. Its not the first encounter of such crap service. Learn some wrold class service from Japan my dears. Singapore service sector sucks!

Moved on for dinner @Siam kitchen. Talk about over-eager waiters. I like eating my meal with nobody looking at me. Its quite embarrassing for me. It may prove to be amusing for some. The manner I eat is quite horrendous at times. Esp when its chicken wings/crabs/ribs/prawns etc etc. The most embarrassing eating moments shall have to be shelved for a later release on my blog.

All through the meal, the waiter stood by the side. Refilling my glass of lemon tea after I take BARELY a sip. Damn shit. I couldn't care less if he's those ugly bulldog type. But of course a big strong handsome had to absolutely witness my ugly manner of consuming chicken wings!

Initially I tried acting dainty. Like those silly girls who place napkins on their laps and eats everything with fork and spoon. Even when the chicken wings arrived, I maintained my perfect profile. I pierced one wing with my fork and proceeded to bite off the surrounding meat. Then the meat refused to let me go! The shred of meat lodged itself permanently in between my teeth. That stupid guy had to ask me of all times if I wanted a second serving of anything! & I had to shake my head with the wing flagging from my mouth. ARGH!!!!

Where is justice? why ask me then of all times? After then, I've decided I need not pretend anymore. The saying of men should love you for who you are! Yea! So I tore off the wing from my lips and moved on with life. He didn't stand beside me anymore. ARGH!!! To hell with all the sayings! ARGH!!!! I hate school & all the stupid theories they teach!!

Next time I'm going out for meals, I'm bringing my own scissors along.

With the world changing, its not surprising to have more women wanting to find independence. Even when they are married no doubt.

I believe though every women wishes to be with a man who is not wishy washy, who has no qualms about treating them as an equal partner yet controls them to a certain extent. I can't say ALL. well... MOST then...

I for one won't like having to always make the decision on even the most mundane issues eg where to go, what to eat etc. It irritates me to shit whenever a guy tells me "up to you lor". Where's their "manly" attitude then?Its tiring to always make decisions, take the issue by hand. It'll be nice to sit back and share the burden.

Of course there are people who absolutely need the complete control. It's in their characters. But nto in mine. Not in MOST women I expect. If not, why are there rampant girls out there aspiring to be taitais without means of supporting themselves? They wish to rely on men if possible then. I don't mind belonging to this group.

Women are after all creatures who very much need protection. Protection not only financially. Emotionally as well. Family wise it'll be nice to enjoy having another person to shoulder the responsibilities. Well for me at least.

Another thing is we are after all living in Asian society. Women are still pretty much secondary compared to men in terms of work. There are new age women on the rise I can't deny. But I won't be part of them becuase I enjoy being commanded to a certain extent. Not to the point whereby my life is ocntrolled, but at least in terms of issues between us and my problems.

They call this type the "sensitive jocks". Now sensitive has this gayish connotation to it which I'm not very comfortable with. Girly guys can very well be my mates but not my bf. It just doesn't fit. I don't need another womanly character to host my life for me. It'll be almost like having another mother in life.

I call this type the NewAge men. Now I'm on a quest for one. Coz I am after all the kind of women society calls Little Woman.

I've learnt to clench my thighs shut. It will be shut. I just wish people will fuck off.

I'll keep changing my passwords till you stop your fucking hacking.

I sincerely believe platonic friendship between males & females is possible. Its how you perceive it that affects the relationship.

Net friends are most probably desperate guys hoping to hook up with girls. No denying decency exists too. Yet its only one in a million. How lucky can one get to win that prize? Its practically zero.

Yet the lure is great. For meeting friends/easing loneliness/feeling abandoned/impersonating an imaginary character/etc. The list is endless. People still get hooked daily. Its a religion I tell you.Look at the users opting for Friendster/Zorpia/whatever shit! We stay more faithful to it than to our religion.

I'm one of the blind followers. For the fun of it. Its pretty comforting to check the visitors guage everyday. To know your site is visited 10times daily. To see the number jumping. To get responses from strangers wishing to be your friend(& being able to snub their requests). Its all in the ego. For me at least.

& I'm chanced upon my fair share of shit. Its rather comforting to know I can differentiate them from the lot. Was weeding out all these shit. A sense of satisfaction crept over me then. But then the thought of them never knowing irritates me very much. Its like smashing your things at a wall & no reaction ever comes. I won't get the satisfaction of stamping all over their ugly smelly feet & laugh in their face while showing them the finger.

That's one extremely irritating factor in my life now. Maybe I should slim down & go bar hopping while executing bartop dancing. They'll see me then. Well when they clear the fog of smoke & train their vision accurately, they'll see me that is. Of course thats provided if I ever do slim down.

Hm.......

& I've digressed from my initial motive totally. Oh whatever. Its MY blog for goodness sake. I do whatever I like.

There are times when I hop on a cab & wish to simply get to the destination quietly. After all I have my mp3/discman to accompany me.

But some uncles like to be friendly & converse with passengers. I don't blame them. I wont mind conversation when I ferry passengers. But I really don't feel like talking at times. What should I do then? I pity them. They drive for long hours with backaches and coldness and rude passengers everyday(like my mom).

I don't wish to be rude to them. They do a decent living. Some may not be honest. But most are ekking out a living. No point being rude to them when they try to be friendly. Yet sometimes, silence is the best noise. How do I put it across then?

Uncle may talk to me. But by the time i consider if I should reply or pretend to be deaf, I have another problem on hand. Should I reply now or will it seem too awkard? Or should i just smile and nod? Maybe I should just tell him I'm a very shy person. But then I can't really pass up the chance to talk. Especially if it concerns my opinions about the Government. Cabbies love to comment on new Government policies. Learn from them their view. It's interesting.

Passengers like my mom don't think we should talk though. I'm sure she has her reasons. I can't deny her precaution. You never know if you're on a serial killer's ride or a phsyco rapist drive or spiderman-thief's soundboard. You just never know. I feel like telling her there's the normal mentally sane cabbies though. Maybe she never did know that? I don't know.

I should just be a nice girl & talk to the cabbies.

P.S. Came across those dislikable pri mates. I hope they suffer. Hate them.Another post another day.

Siglap is the only secondary school with Malays as majority. Yet I never felt threatened in that school. It was a pretty much laid back school. It was also the school that gave me the most worthy memories of all schools I've attended so far.

The first day of transfer was the full of anticipation. The only consolation lies in the fact that the principal was welcoming. I guess nobody would go to Siglap willingly given a choice. I didn't have much of a choice either. It was either that or going back to Bedok Town which isn't really for me.

From the moment we were seated though, Diana & Nat turned to introduce themselves. Nat says she's still amazed at my ability to talk to strangers so much. I guess they fit me well. They were the kind of girls I'm comfortable with. Besides them, there was Jieling too. She was a newbie just like me. We decided to stick together for recess. Our ritual was born then.

I can't quite remember the first few months of school. Only that Uma was the most friendly of the lot, Diana & Nat kept inviting me to join their clique to recess. Cherish was around then. I saw JunTat for the first time since pri days. Still as cheery & crazy. It was, like I said, absolutely my place.

Then Cuiting & Huiying joined Jieling & I for activity. From the moment we hung out together, we stuck together. Lemon barley almost everyday. Chinese stores for Mon & Tues, Malay food for the rest of the week.

It was crazy days then. What with passing letters, lemon barley, Amaths difficulty & classroom pranksters, 4H was definitely lively. But Mdm Nora had to go half through for maternity leave. Our maths teacher kept telling us to visualize our maths problems. Mr. Khek who talks non-stop once he started. Mr. Wee was the only sane one. Okies maybe he was the only one whom we like coz he's just as crazy as us. He introduced us to Don Hertzfield & HappyTreeFriends. He played video clips, which has completely nothing to do with physic.

We had him for sec4. Oh those were the days of fun.

But in sec3, we had this club whereby we hated May & Kimberly. We even came up with a name for their clique. May&Co. can't really imagine being friends then. Simply hated those girls. Those stick thin bitchy girls.

Turned out we were gravely wrong about May. Vanessa & Pearlyn as well. Only Kimberly remained the same as ever. & I began visualizing maths with May all during maths class. I joined drama by then and I was a fairy.

Got caught for writing a letter to Uma once. I think it was Sulaiha who read that I've got a crush on Simpson. Only that his name was spelt out clear and bold on that letter. & I began to realize Uma isn't all that fantastic. But by then, my clique was stable. It was a very reliable routine. Going to school on time, reading for nuts on the courtyard, going through lessons incessantly while writing letters simultaneously, rushing for recess with the girls then back to the classrooms for lessons, going home the same way as Jieling.

Then I got to know Luisa better. We loved each other the best! Sat together for sec4. Brought her gong gong to school and we blinded him. We threw him around & he lost his eyes. Poor sheep. I shipped her an identical one when she went over to Aus though. Caused us to get reprimanded by Mr. Khek more than once. Still we can't help ourselves going crazy. It didn't help that Thomas was always mentioning some nonsensical things.

Mamemo. Whiskey in a bottle. Gayz. Iron chef. Biking. "eh... no!"

The whole class roared whenever Zul opens his mouth. When he doesn't, he looks so cute & decent. Forget it when he makes a comment. We ended in stitches most of the time. Laughing days passed by so fast we sat for prelims without preparing for it. It didn't help that Mr. Wee was a joker himself. The inside jokes, class jokes, girly jokes, boyish banter. Sucan & Fursham with their competitiveness made us erupt at times. Sucan especially. He & his red face.

Ms Yong & Ms Ng came along. Butt of our jokes. Oily Ng & sports shoes Yong. They love to repair Thomas & his comments. Whereas MsWee brought a water gun to class to shoot at us every lesson. The small lady with the extra loud voice.

Prom night rolled by. I went for professional make over. I thought I was bad enough. Then Cuiting arrived. 4F boys began the wedding march. Oh geez. For some obscure reason, we had table to ourselves since the Cloud9 got their own table & Huiying joined HanBing. Cuiting's sec5 friends joined us. It was a buffet dinner. But before we leave the table, the guys had to pull out the chairs of ladies. The guy beside me stood for half a minute. Then I realized he was waiting to pull out my chair for me! We laughed when we both realized that. Actually I think he laughed even before I realized. Klutz. But I looked very nice that night. *winks*

It was the best schooling days I had so far. The only happy days I'll have I suspect.

Nat, with her green tea everyday, Diana with her loudness, Luisa with her Hanching nonsense, Adil who brought the class keys home(!), Jon, Zul & Thomas who caused commotion everytime they open their mouths, Adil with Uma nonsense, May & me who always visualize .

So many cool characters. So many antidotes. I miss you guys the most.

What is wrong with a platonic friendship between a man & woman?

People naturally make the assumption that sexual relation gets drag into the scene as well.

Been to my grandparents place & popped out for dinner. The topic kept reverring to a gossip thriving in their neighbourhood. This married man & married woman got so close to each other that they actually hold hands when they go for outings.

Those idiotic aunties, who have nothing to do, hang around the RC office(the both of them work there) all day. Just to see if there's anything to confirm their rumours. It got so bad that the Wife hung around the husband everywhere he goes.

Since they belong to the RC they organise activities for the senior citizens in that neighbourhood. My grandparents dislike coping at home all day long with only the TV as companion. Like as we do, we can't be with them everyday. So they found their place in the activities going on there. Thus the bloody aunties opportunity to generate even more rumours about this odd couple.

Their suspicion isn't groundless though. When they bring groups of senior citizens out, they practically live in their own world. They hold hands. Imagine an old man holding your hand wherever you went. Carrying your daughter when she tried to run about. Feeding your daughter & urge you to eat. That's when these aunties imagination gets worked up. & they did it so openly for all to see.

Now, rumours have reached the Wife's ears & she decided to be her Husband's shadow. No more hand holding, no more daughter to play with. They behave as individuals now. He's aloof to the wife too. They don't even look a couple to me. I've been a filial granddaughter once and accompanied my grandma on a trip. When she pointed that pairing, I thought "how odd" for the Husband never did look at the Wife even once.

My grandpa commented once he doesn't blame the Husband for straying(if he did indeed). B'coz the Wife never did bother to doll herself up. I saw how she was & I have no choice but to agree. Compared to a younger woman who takes time to groom herself, a woman who lets herself go is of course the pits. What has a dowdy aunty got compared to a modern stylish woman?

I'm not condoning the action of the Husband if he did stray. Yet the blame isn't totally on him. Men will always be men. They are visual creatures. They need visual stimulation & pleasure.

He may love me now b'coz I'm still young & agreeable for fun. Come twenty years later, I can strip down in front of him & he wont feel anything if I don't keep myself the way I am. Actually I think most men won't even now. But that's the way a guy operates. Visual stimulation works.

Not every guy's like that but all would appreciate a wife's effort to groom herself for him.

I wont like coming home to cranky husband who wears a tattered singlet & shorts everyday. I'll tire of subjects always revolving around the kids. But that's what most women would do once she settles down & have kids.

There are long lasting marriages whereby Husbands & Wives stay in love. But thats b'coz they keep up their passion for each other. I wont be able to keep up a romnace with an old man who always look like he just got out of bed. Neither can a man tolerate that of me.

Women: Keep yourself groomed. Tie the man down if he's good.

After delibrating over "should I or shouldn't I?" for a night, I've decided I have to meet Him today. But the sad thing is I overslept. Thankfully it wasn't such a bad overslept that I couldn't make it in time. In fcat it was just nice.

For those who are still in the dark, He lost his bloody hp in camp just last week. So communication between us was pretty difficult. It didn't matter though. He found me anyway.

BaliThai @ TM isn't that bad. But spicy food all day isn't good. After that was the Rendezous. Is there any VIP card since we frequent that joint?

The ending is always the most disappointing. We had to hide behind a pillar to say goodbye. Geez!

P.S. He read the Double Lives & kissed me alright. How not to be in a fairytale you tell me.

Testimonials seem to be always coming in. None other than my clique!

Actually those girls changed so much its kinda awkard to meet up? I don't know. I used to be so close to Mel but not really for Jo. She used to be best pals with Nad. Soph, QingYi, XiangXiang and Jo and Nad were the band girls.

I was in NPCC with Huiling, Siewling & Mel. I was with Nad only coz we were prefects together. We lied our way through early recess, late report to duties, late return to classes. All in the name of prefect duties.

Well all's not well of course. We were caught once. Got hell from that GoldfishYap. Even till today I hate her to the core. Besides her, there's the GorillaPeters of course. Those were the worst of all the lots.

Another teacher I hate is MrSoh. He looks down on people. I think he believes himself handsome. Which really is as good looking as the butt cheeks of a baboon. I'm not exaggerating. Ask Huiling for confirmation. He never seem to have anything good to say about anybody. He's a F***king A**.

Well girls being girls, of course we have our ups & downs. Eventually Ivy and Mel were the best girls I had. Huiling was there but not as close coz she was quiet then. Still we left our girls behind and transfered(Ling & Me). Sad to say, Jo left Nad & Leslie gang to dropped to normal with Mel. Thus the best friends they are now!

My days of picnics at bedok reservior, crapping excuses to wriggle out of NPCC and using perfect duties as covers for lateness are well over. I miss it though.Look at how much the girls have changed!

Mel & Jo became best buds. Nad turned to smoking figs. Ling became this TummyMachine. I got sick of school & gave teachers headaches.

We've changed since the days of me turning to Siglap.

Siglap where I'm truly happy.

That's another entry by itself. There's just so much memories there. With Nat, May, Luisa, HuiYing(I seem to have very good fate with girls of names Hui), JieLing and CuiTing. They are the girls who rock my world. Then.

Definition of SuperStar: Pretty/Handsome, dancing flops.

After yesterday's results, I'm sure the definition has changed. I can't say William is the ultimate star. A winner of the major competition isn't everything. Look at Taukfik. He's just a somebody locally. Yet the aftermath of Idol days doesn't seem to be doing much for him. Silvester only gets all the negative reports of his mom and deceit.

Even before the win, William hasn't been exactly that popular. People speculates that he wins becuase of his handicap/the associates. They don't see his win as a natural win. Such rumors based on....nothingness...

I do see their point. After all Kelly has the looks, figure, voice to step up to the international stage. William has that chance too but people are after all superficial. Today's idol survive purely on looks not talent. I doubt if his stardom will substantiate for long. Most probably he'll return to busking while Kelly moves on to being a professional star.

Such is the unfairness of the world I guess. One can't have everything. Look closely at Kelly, she doesn't look that beautiful either.

God gives you an advantage and equips you with a disability.

My advantage lies in my beauty. My disability lies in being blind regarding guys I love.

Was randomly surfing through th enet and came across the report of Britnay sticking up for Jamie. Supposedly the very pregnant monster yelled at the co-star of her sister over a petty spat.

Frankly, these starlets are dumb. Just check on the net and you see they are all the same. They are mostly blondes who are cheerleaders with "lots of friends" and lives on the beach. Those are the american Hollywood types.

Taiwanese like to claim they are ABCs. Every star on the rise now either grows up in US or they've studied abroad for some years. Or so they claim. Yet when they speak english, it really sucks. Only a few are authentic I expect. Sales gimmick.

And they make them all seem so likable when they are so detestable. Wierd fans.