Today was a hard found luxury. Perfect excuse for staying home and lying in late. Until brunch, the morning's been perfect.Well to be specific, all was well till my mom brought up the topic of guys. This time round, she didn't ask if I had anyone in mind. She take it for granted that I am a free agent. That's when my guilt kick in and start working overtime.

She mentioned a few names with careful casual, speckled comments here and there and guage my reactions from the corner of her eyes. Her oh-so-causal attitude already betrayed her. She's preparing herself for BOYFRIENDS. Of course it can't be just any boy but it must be someone she knows or I know from school.

Which leads to my point of me leading a double life. In my mom's eyes, I'm still the innocent obliging little girl. Lately she suspected I'm still in contact with Him. Yet at the first negative reassurance, she believes me completely. The way it is, I wanted to laugh at this ironic turn of my life. I wonder what would she do when she found out I'm not only in contact with him but very involved as well.

I appreciate my mom, my dad and my family. I won't give anything to change the way my family life is. My dad makes the effort to lessen my study load by sending me as much as possible anywhere I want to. My mom's love comes in overdose but it means she loves me I guess. They fulfil my material wants. It wasn't even a need most of the time. It was simply a whimp and they cave. Yet I'll gladly trade my mom in for another model of mother. She's suffocating to the extent of murdering my soul.

Sometimes I wonder what is it that she has objected strongly, at times violently, to me having a boyfriend. Ting hit the jackpot just yesterday. She told me my parents would never accept a guy who's considered to be below my family. She's utterly right and I'm ashamed for not knowing that earlier. Maybe I do. Just that it was a subconcious awareness.

My mom worked so hard all her life to ensure I got into the best possible places I could go. Places where I meet guys whom she can approve of. Sad to say I've always disappointed her. But now at last her dream is finally reaching shore. I am striving for university and she'll gladly let go of me. Or so she says. She believes all uni guys are the best. All those names she mentioned are in her range. Never once did she consider the possiblity of me falling for a guy who doesn't meet her expectations.

For the past year, I've spent a very happy life with Him. All these business of picking me up from school, sending me to tuitions, watching every latest movie at either PS or Grand, going for "good food", bringing me for surprise candy trips and very recently, the craze over neoprints. Its an entirely stable and normal relationship. Bland and simple. Something indeed very new to me. He's more than what I bargained for. He's not just anyone. He's someone I grow with and treats me with due respect. He's someone I like spending time with. And for once, someone who reciprocates and at times love me more than I love him.

But he's not someone my family can accept. Not to say he's below me. Or rather my mom wont accept him. I'm not sure about my dad. My mom feels a strong animosity regarding Him. Her feeling can't be explained. Just like how my dislike for Liyana can't be explained. She simply dislikes Him. She always get so worked up about Him.

I can't cover my tracks forever though. He can't tolerate this irritating shit forever too. Every date comprises of rushing home/somewhere near/destination where my dad's picking me up, compressing a few activities which we never get to do most of the time and risking Him getting caught for speeding. & those doesn't include my temperament and impatience. He doesn't say anything. But its building up somehow.

So far he has been taking it all in his stride, absording my mood swings and demands like a sponge. Hasn't lose his temper much. When he does, its not coz of the contraints of course.

But this lies can't be kept up forever. With my memory, its tiring to always weave a story and hold it together. I'm sure I've leaked information and my dad has picked these signs to piece a picture himself. Thus his warning not long ago.

"Know your limits."

It didn't register then. Now it hit home ground. He knows more than he's letting on. But there isn't a point whereby I can converge these two lives. There's only a way to discontinue this dilemma. Get over it. I'm not prepared for that just yet.

I've tried pleasing one side by forgoing the other. However, either one makes up a huge part of my life. One doesn't simply cut off a person whom you've been attached to for half a year. I've tried though. But I've been going through the same motions, saying the same words, stating the same reasons and despairing at the same old situation I'm caught in. Each same cycle brought me no conclusion. Just realisation all over again. That I can't possibly cut off a part of my life.

Somehow I just have to make do with this life I guess.