Today was a hard found luxury. Perfect excuse for staying home and lying in late. Until brunch, the morning's been perfect.Well to be specific, all was well till my mom brought up the topic of guys. This time round, she didn't ask if I had anyone in mind. She take it for granted that I am a free agent. That's when my guilt kick in and start working overtime.

She mentioned a few names with careful casual, speckled comments here and there and guage my reactions from the corner of her eyes. Her oh-so-causal attitude already betrayed her. She's preparing herself for BOYFRIENDS. Of course it can't be just any boy but it must be someone she knows or I know from school.

Which leads to my point of me leading a double life. In my mom's eyes, I'm still the innocent obliging little girl. Lately she suspected I'm still in contact with Him. Yet at the first negative reassurance, she believes me completely. The way it is, I wanted to laugh at this ironic turn of my life. I wonder what would she do when she found out I'm not only in contact with him but very involved as well.

I appreciate my mom, my dad and my family. I won't give anything to change the way my family life is. My dad makes the effort to lessen my study load by sending me as much as possible anywhere I want to. My mom's love comes in overdose but it means she loves me I guess. They fulfil my material wants. It wasn't even a need most of the time. It was simply a whimp and they cave. Yet I'll gladly trade my mom in for another model of mother. She's suffocating to the extent of murdering my soul.

Sometimes I wonder what is it that she has objected strongly, at times violently, to me having a boyfriend. Ting hit the jackpot just yesterday. She told me my parents would never accept a guy who's considered to be below my family. She's utterly right and I'm ashamed for not knowing that earlier. Maybe I do. Just that it was a subconcious awareness.

My mom worked so hard all her life to ensure I got into the best possible places I could go. Places where I meet guys whom she can approve of. Sad to say I've always disappointed her. But now at last her dream is finally reaching shore. I am striving for university and she'll gladly let go of me. Or so she says. She believes all uni guys are the best. All those names she mentioned are in her range. Never once did she consider the possiblity of me falling for a guy who doesn't meet her expectations.

For the past year, I've spent a very happy life with Him. All these business of picking me up from school, sending me to tuitions, watching every latest movie at either PS or Grand, going for "good food", bringing me for surprise candy trips and very recently, the craze over neoprints. Its an entirely stable and normal relationship. Bland and simple. Something indeed very new to me. He's more than what I bargained for. He's not just anyone. He's someone I grow with and treats me with due respect. He's someone I like spending time with. And for once, someone who reciprocates and at times love me more than I love him.

But he's not someone my family can accept. Not to say he's below me. Or rather my mom wont accept him. I'm not sure about my dad. My mom feels a strong animosity regarding Him. Her feeling can't be explained. Just like how my dislike for Liyana can't be explained. She simply dislikes Him. She always get so worked up about Him.

I can't cover my tracks forever though. He can't tolerate this irritating shit forever too. Every date comprises of rushing home/somewhere near/destination where my dad's picking me up, compressing a few activities which we never get to do most of the time and risking Him getting caught for speeding. & those doesn't include my temperament and impatience. He doesn't say anything. But its building up somehow.

So far he has been taking it all in his stride, absording my mood swings and demands like a sponge. Hasn't lose his temper much. When he does, its not coz of the contraints of course.

But this lies can't be kept up forever. With my memory, its tiring to always weave a story and hold it together. I'm sure I've leaked information and my dad has picked these signs to piece a picture himself. Thus his warning not long ago.

"Know your limits."

It didn't register then. Now it hit home ground. He knows more than he's letting on. But there isn't a point whereby I can converge these two lives. There's only a way to discontinue this dilemma. Get over it. I'm not prepared for that just yet.

I've tried pleasing one side by forgoing the other. However, either one makes up a huge part of my life. One doesn't simply cut off a person whom you've been attached to for half a year. I've tried though. But I've been going through the same motions, saying the same words, stating the same reasons and despairing at the same old situation I'm caught in. Each same cycle brought me no conclusion. Just realisation all over again. That I can't possibly cut off a part of my life.

Somehow I just have to make do with this life I guess.

You know how teachers always try to instill the culture of learning new words. I have finally heeded. I learnt a new word: didaskaleinophic. It means fear of school.

Now this word doesn't apply to me of course. I don't fear. I simply dislike. Sometimes this disagreement with school intensifies to hatred. For the rigid structure of school. For the biased stand against students. For the pin-pointing at failures. For the "care" of some hypocrites of a teacher.

I'm not making a sweeping statement. I'm making a comment. About my school specifically. So much for a condusive environment.

Condemning environment more like it.

Talk about irony.

He bought me an M1 card with 300 free sms per day. Just yesterday. Under his name. Excited and everything.

Only to call me just to tell me he lost his hp!

Irony irony!

Maybe I should have gotten used to it. After all his field camps was just the same.

The thing is, it was a situation which both of us can't help it. Of course the present situation isn't a situation which we can help.

BUT!

Nvm.

I just know its the start of a miserable miserable week.

Scenario: An old lady fell in the middle of the road. Would you run to help her up or would you walk slowly to her?

Edwin chose to saunter to that lady who obviously needs help. Sometimes I really wonder what goes on in that head of his. His perception of life surprises me at times. He believes that he never need to work a single day in his life. That's crap.

Now his family can no longer get him the life he's used to, he's considering alternatives. Crazy shit. It's not as if I'm speaking from an inexperienced point of view. I'm not even speaking from the lack of insight. I've been an part of that swirling life. Yet he insists his would be different. How to knock some sense into him except by litheral means.

He feels no remorse for not helping the old lady whole heartedly. his actual words were "touching her feels like touching a jelly". *pengz* And he felt weak upon carrying her. When i questioned him about the use of training his arms and chest then, he had the courtsey to laugh.

Geez! Dragged me off to Missha to buy colour corrector. All to doll up for a disgusting old man who obviously has issues. If not why is he not attached at such an age? Why prey on young boys in the shower room of gyms? Why ask him to pay for dinner? What sort of a loser is that?

I've dated idiots. But even the scums I've come across pays for my expenses. Crazy shit.

What is the world coming to?

When you read this.

If what you always claim is true.

If it's not a game to you.

I'm at least an enjoyable assignment to do.

Say You Love Me.

In every possible way.

Look at that little mouth of my Baby! She's not mine technically. Just figuratively. But just having her is nice. Just so nice!

She had her photo shoot just today! She won the cute baby contest for LianHeZhaoBao. Watch out for her in october issue! She's sick. Yet she turned out cooperative. After yesterday, her parents were thinking of cancelling the shoot today. I'm glad they didn't.

She got so excited she sang in the studio. (therefore the pouty mouth).

I'm going to have a daughter like that.

I'm going to have daughterssssss like that.

I know i'm going to.
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You're just plain irresistible right now. From extra foam on your morning latte to a freebie from the tollbooth attendant, people are just charmed by your very presence. Don't be coy -- you know you love it.

My horoscope today. Is that so? Where is my love then?

A self declared holiday. Again. Not that scholl is that fantastic. It just isn't worth going anymore. Except for chinese and literature. I thought Jiang Jing would be the worst ever. Yet his lessons are proving to be one of the best. Back to the Scare anyway.

Baby Scare. She started out in the morning pretty well. Cheeky like always. Singing a song lying on her mattress. I guess it all got wrong since she had her bath. My mom always leave her walking around dripping wet and cold. I really do wonder what goes through my mom's mind. Force feed Baby cereal. That's when everything went wrong.

I just took her out her feeding chair and she grabbed so tightly to my shirt. Simply refused to lie quietly on the bed. Barely sat on the chair when she crumbled into herself. Initially it looked like she was eating away at my shirt. Realisation was when she started trembling violently.

Clenched her fists and simply tremble. Shook her yet there's no reaction. She just stared at the ceiling and continued clenching tightly. My mom, I really don't she can take care of a child, started crying. Crazy woman. As if having a child like that isn't enough. I'm more suitable to be the childgiver if anything.

Scooped her up and ran for the clinic opposite. For life you could say. That dumb woman was lucky she had me with her. She didn't even had the sense to call the Baby's parents.

Important Lesson of the day: Body warm is the best heater.

So I wrapped her around me tightly. She was fine after awhile. She's fine now. Just sick. Very sick. I'm glad I was there. I don't know what that Silly Nut will do.

Baby flashed a tiny smile. Just. Its very nice.

She got into the finals of Baby Challenge. Photo Shoot tml!

There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry a guy you love. After all life is extremely sweet with a major distraction being together also means being together for ever.

I told YunYun when you're in love and that person is just so indulgent in you, life simply comes to a standstill and you live in Now. Now as in the everyday in the present life. Your future is full of him and only him.

I daresay I indulge in that but not excessively.

Every girl do.

Especially when my boy loves me so.

It makes it all the more easier...

Its a hostile environment on fimilar grounds. Strange expressions on fimilar faces. Asylum full of strangers. Safe zone in purple and green.

Its a disgusting habitat. Which rears an ugly thing. It isn't a human. Yet it doesn't belong to remotely animalistic. It's just a thing. An It. Foul mouthed and violent-streaked, the Ugly looking Thing. It's a disgusting thing. I don't like it at all.

Besides the Ugly Thing, there's a Stupid Bitch. Stupid is descriptive here. Literally Stupid. So stupid I don't know what goes on in the head. Maybe monetary values. Maybe warped reality. Its a madness borne of twisted logic. Nothing gets across. Nothing sinks in. Only that set of values which nobody agrees. Not that no corrections been put forward. The unfortunate interpreter shot down repeatedly.

Now there's another Grisly Nut bunking in. Who has another system of beliefs and crazy ways. Its relatively milder than the former. But still excruxiatingly tedious. It's not a task to talk properly to it. Its a feat to even talk at all. It goes on and on about its self logic. Its all a hypocrisy churning its way out of that mouthpiece.

All these I put up in a place called family.

Continued from Someone To Marry:
He must have a huge bathtub. It can be put to good use by me. Bubbles baths being one.
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He doesn't mean anything. About everything. What am I then?

He stared at me cleaning up.

I raised my eyebrows at such scrutinity.

Dimpled "why" in his arms.

He asked if he could keep me.

I have no idea what he meant.

I could only come up with a suggestion.

Let's live together someday.

I do like that very much.

I love him.

Trust the DragonLady to heck it all up in the Asylum. About simply nothing.

Well maybe not nothing. The DevilSpawn is the ultimate. Talk non-stop since he's been home. Complains he's tired whenever we request a favour of him. Jumps a feet when that girl calls.

I understand the feelings of being immersed in courtship(I suspect its courtship since he's spending effort and money on her. Guys forget about girls when they finally get them as gfs.) But his behaviour is to the extreme. He talks when he works, watches tv, play online, bathes, shits, eats, even sleep. He no longer talks to any of us. He just talk to her.

Whatever she says is golden.(he made us watch wife swap bcoz she says she's watching). Know what people say about guys like love? "When a guy's in love, whatever the girl says is gold. Even her fart is perfume."

Was randomly chatting when Ting mentioned the older generation always say: How a guy behaves is determined by his wife. No wonder mamas always ask high standards of their future-in-laws.

Now that adds another criteria to my Someone To Marry list. His mama must accept me. Actually even if she doesn't I'll still stick by him. Its hard to find someone I love. Much less someone I would want to marry. Just that my life will be difficult.

My mother-in-law may splash hot water on me.She may make me wake up at 6am everyday to do household chores. She may not allow me freedom at all. Then when my husband comes home, she'll run to him and complain that I've not been a good daughter-in-law. Then she'll slowly sow discord between me and him. One day I'll explode and tear my maid uniform away and demand for divorce. And my husband will realise the truth and beg me to return to him.

That's just my imagination working overtime.

I want to be courted properly.Just like a proper lady.

I shall make him court me again after my As.

He said he's giving me a surprise tomorrow. He told me he feel sits insignificant.

My guess is he bought me a pre-paid.

Lets hold our breaths and pray.

I love him.

Awake to a morning call at 6.30. Which I thought would be nice. But of coz he had to piss me with schooling questions. Its bloody irritating when people assume I'm just playing my way out of school. No doubt its my own declared holiday.It just isnt worth it to attend school today though.

Let me explain why.

There's GP in the morning. First two periods. The periods when I'm the most dead. Not to mention the fact that MrsWee doesn't teach much. She'll simply hand out notes & articles, make us sit in there for 3/2 hours "reading" the hand-outs.

9/10 times, the whole class(or the few who did turn up) will switch off and do last minute revisions for tests/talk/sleep/eat/go on "toilet breaks which include a 20mins detour to the canteen. why on earth should I drag myself out of bed at 6.30am to attend such a lesson?

Then there's maths lecture of coz. Which is 3hrs after the GP period! 3hrs whereby I stay in school on breaks! If it were a two period lecture maybe I won't mind waiting so much. But considering its a 40mins lecture, which 10mins is spend on waiting for the slow trickle of students, that's a miserably short time. Why should I wait for such a period then?

Lit's cancelled today therefore the decision to absent myself. Lit is the only reason I still attend school faithfully. Lit & chi that is. However there's no chinese today. I'm left with Lit. With Lit taken off, what is worthy left? Nothing worthy.

Now I won't mind it so much if I live close to the school with a 5min bus ride or 15mins walking distance. But I don't! I have to wait 1/2hr for a bloody lousy bus and an hr to reach my destination. That's 3/2 hrs spend on travelling.

My absence is justified.
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I just realise I missed out one criteria for "Someone to marry [refer to 15/8 post]" I want a guy who calls me His Missus.
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My mom came into my room at 8am to search my bed for my hp. After pulling off the covets and blanket, she found it lying snug among my bears. Since its 16 degrees in the room, it is pretty much a rude wake up call(that's 2 in the morning). She kept poking me to question me the location of my hp and the reason for it lying there. Crazy bitch.

I hope a day will come whereby I pull off her covets and thrash around the bed while loudly muttering. Silly bitch.

I had barely got out of bed to brush my teeth when she questioned me about Jeremy. Geez. I've been with him for 6mths now & she still doesn't know. Geez. But it presents another problem. How am I going to explain Jeremy when she ask if I have bf next time? Think I better say I'm single. Just in case.

You must be wondering where the questions about Jeremy will lead to. For your information, my bro has been on the phone 24/7 these days. His ears are practically superglued to the phone. It reminds me of the early days of Me&Him. It just simply sweet.

Here's the task my mom set me on: Find the girl whom he's been talking to & WARN her. Goodness.... Where did I get this Mob Mother of mine?

P.S. She kept calling Baby my bro's name. You know what they say about unwitting remarks. Its the person they always think and care most about. It's no surprise. My bro's the baobei.

I joined this bimbo website meant for girls. To be frank, its for girl below the age of 13. When I sign up, it required a parent's email. So as to inform them about my actions on that web. So guess who is surrogate daddy?? Germy!! He doesn't have a choice.

There's this list of quiz(supposedly list but it turn out to be only 3quizzes to choose from).

& one question asked if I'm:
a. Natural-quiet
b. Passionate - sorta crazy
c. Ambitious - very busy
d. funky - loud

The most reply I've received is B. But I've decided that Ting wins the Most Original Reply Award! She says we are all a bit of all. Which is true. I'm loudly quiet and passionately ambitious.

WaiKit says Anyone who chooses natural- quiet is blind. For that, he got himself the Worst Answerer. Guys! What do they know? I'm positive I'm demure, pretty and quiet. The perfect girl to show an aunty.

Anyway I'm a Starr according to the webpage coz while I'm laid-back and humourous, my frenz sit up & listen when I talk coz I talk sense. That's so true. I'm glad u guys appreciate me so.
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Wierdos
will always be wierdos, the outcast of our human jungle.

I don't mind people passing mean comments about my friends. After all they don't know them to begin with.

It pisses me when its a mutual friend who does that. For precisely that, WeiWen & HuiYun are blacklisted forever. So much for being friends. Both can tell me to my face they would never hang out Edwin & YouYang forever. simply b'coz they have adifferent sexual orientation. Simply b'coz they believe to be attention seekers. simply b'coz they think such people should be blasted at for being unconventional.

Stupid narrow-minded bitches.

They had the cheek to tell me they think I had better stay away from them! Silly bitches.
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Just skimmed through Sarong Party Girl's blog and her latest entry certainly provoke the most disturbing images. She attended a sex party dressed up as a slut in leather suit with skirt barely long enough to cover her garter belt and panties. Her darling was dressed as a priest with the ass exposed!

I sure would like to see such a show one day.

I'll absolutely go gaga.& you'll see uncles & aunties having heart attacke supon sighting of such costumes. That's another Uniquely Singapore trend.

There were little red flowers all over your white pleated skirt, and the flowers bloomed, getting bigger and bigger, more and more.

It was beautiful.

The crimson flowers slowly blossomed on the pleated skirt; some flowers were darker red, some were brighter.

Red, contrasted on the white material.

The flowers were those, dripped from your nose.

I reached out, gripping your small hand, not realising the coldness of your hand.

Just like how you did not realise, the glass shards embedded in your flesh.

I implored you not to go, and that the ambulance was on its way.

You said to ignore it, and you left.

Dissolved into a mist, settling on the cracked car window.

I did not object, resting my head on the steering wheel.

Letting tears fall.Dreaming of you.

I already told you not to leave, but yet you did, and you did not even tell your parents.

They even thought that it was me who told you to leave.

Your mother came to my house. Her eyes were red, and she scolded me, "It's all your fault", and threw the letters, those that I had written to you in the past, on to the floor.

Those letters used to be in a shoe box.

It's the shoe box from Prada - those shoes that you wore to the prom.

It was after work, that I brought cash to Paragon to buy the pair of shoes.

Now, you have left, wearing that pair of high heels.

I am worried about you walking such a long distance in those heels.

There will be blisters on your feet, and I will not be there to drive you home.

It was not because of the high parking fees in Orchard, that I did not drive.

It was because my father did not allow me to drive his car anymore.

That is why I am at home now, writing you this letter.

It has already been 8 months, and though everyone else had already started school, but no one has called me up to attend again.

I do not know why; I only know my grandmother kept crying outside my room.

I end up writing to you.

After I finished, I will burn the letter for you, as well as the letters I wrote to you in the past.

I will also burn the shoe box for you, so that when you change into flat shoes, you can keep your Prada heels into the shoe box properly.

My parents refused to let me go out, therefore I cannot work.

Without the income at the moment, I cannot buy you any branded goods yet.

I have already uploaded the photos of the prom on to my blog.

You were really beautiful in your white top with crystal beads, and your white pleated skirt, and that pair of shoes.

Although you did not win the Prom Queen title, you were the most beautiful that night.

Serene is a councillor; that was why the teachers let her win the Prom Queen title.

Can you MSN me when you see the photos?

I know it was because you were angry with me, that's why you left in a hurry.

I shouldn't have quarrelled with you on the car.

Now I understand.

The Prom Queen title was important to you, and I shouldn't have said "It was no big deal to lose".

But I know you have already forgived me, and you missed me, that's why you came back to see me.

It's just that you are only throwing a small tantrum, that's why you didn't want to talk to me.

Because I can feel that you are just beside me.

I saw you in the mirror, looking at me, when I was washing my face in the bathroom.

But you were gone when I turned around.

I know it is because you still did not feel like talking to me.

When I woke up in the morning and found bruises all over my body, I knew it was because you ran over to sleep with me on my bed, because you were afraid of ghosts at night.

Those bruises were evidence of your love for me, but I could not let my parents or teachers see them, because we were still young.

I also know, my wrists bled, because you are asking me to go accompany you.

Drop by drop, the blood spreaded on my white school pants.

Bigger, and bigger.

Look. Doesn't it look like a heart-shape?

I'm serious. I'm not joking.

Look. Look carefully.

It's really a red heart-shape spreading on my pants!

Isn't is beautiful?

I want to be with you forever.

Please don't be angry with me anymore.

You will always be my Prom Queen.

I know, that the only way to see us together now, is when I close my eyes.

Me, in my suit, and you, wearing the Prom Queen sash.

I finally see it.

That we are together.

We are together.

Finally.. I see us together..

Its my 6th month!With him of coz. It's pretty anti-climax after the pics though. After all, what they say about picture speaks a thousand words is true.

I can do a cliche, listing what we've been through. Boring and raising your goosebumps about the dates, the kisses and the adult version of physical contact.

Speaking of kisses, one of Ting's antidotes came up. She recounted an ex-bf's habit of depicting every kiss they share on his blog(all down to the way they kiss and his feelings regarding it) If I do such a thing, I'll die of embarrassment. Wasn't he ever taught privacy? sheesh. I know now why I love a tight-lipped man. (well, I'm training him not to be TOO tightlipped)

Or I say "Dearx *poutz* I lub u worx" but that's onli done by ah lians. geez! That's another Uniquely Singapore style. I'm certain there are other more gruesome declarations across the globe. But the AhLians of singapore win hands down in the category of act cute in my opinion. All the baby talk and *poutz* I just feel like laughing and rolling my eyes at them. AhLians are stupid girls.

Now, he does love me. I know how some of your impressions are, but seriously, he's the best by far. Otherwise we wont last HALF A YEAR! That's a very long time i tell you. He has always given in to my whimps & orders(of coz they must be sane to begin with). He gives me surprises which takes alot of effort.(& he gives the best) He accepts my tantrums & me(that's impt).

Looking at the pics below, there's no doubt you'll die of envy. but prior to and after the happy loving, the faces slips back into cloudy mood. You see, every relationship has its up and down. It just so happen that Eve of National Day is not a Good Dating Day. Not to say it can't be resolved. It's Reasonable Logical Me you're talking about.

Anyway the bottomline of these entries is simply I Love Him to bits.

P.S. He's not here for me to kiss so I have to resort to kissing the screen to complete this romantic entry

Recently the topic of marriage keeps coming up, seriously, I do give it some thought one way or another. I've advocate a life of mistressing since god-knows-when. But belonging to someone who cares to set up family with you is entirely different.

My insistance at being Mistress is due to that fact that The-Other-Woman always enjoy the fruits of life. A husband doesn't stay faithful to a wife forever. Guys expect the women they marry to stay the same throughout their lives. The girl they marry was a beautiful well groom woman, & they expect it to last throughout the marriage. When the Wife doesn't keep up expectations, they start looking around for shorter skirts, tighter skins, darker make-up. What is the use of being a Wife then?

BUT my decision will change should I find a Man who:
1. can make me give up a life in the lap of luxury willingly, anything
to spend my days with him.
2. will induce the urge in me to have kids with him, though raising
one is difficult much less kidSSS
3. make me feel secure even when we're lost on foreign land, in
bleak cold weather.
4. offer me a 3-room flat which feels like a palace
5. manage to get pass my parents and not get discouraged in any sense
6. I can tolerate him having affairs after 5/6/... years of marriage
simply coz I cant stand to be away from him
7. remembers every little detail of me even when he's busy with
making a life for our family(the anniversaries, birthdays, kids)
8. pampers and indulge in me periodically simply b'coz I'm special
(gets me surprises which he notices from my glances at shops)
9. loves me enough to always want to give me the best
10. I can sleep with in the DARK(which I never did since eons)

The last reason is the most important by far. He'll be one milestone in my life I'll never want to get rid of. That will be one hell of a guy I'll marry.

[YouYang recommends water poloers. Hm.....I love a guy with a big black SUV of Lexus though. Anytime Baby!]

Stick thin SalesGirls are not my type. Esp those at Tangs M.A.C. counter. One is the shit. So much for customer service. Wall service more like it. They talk to their nails more than they talk to you. I feel like cutting of their hands & say "oops! sorrie)

Surprisingly, its those whom society laughed at, treat u better. No doubt a woman may feel uncomfortable with these neither-here-nor-there creatures. But the fact that they are more aware of the "womanly secrets" reaps me wonders. No wonder my mom felt good enough to sweep through the Stila counter.
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It feels nice to craddle a baby when you sleep. Its a natural heater. Of course the fact that she's constantly pushing herself into your arms helps with the sleeping process. Its a sleeping pill with no side effect(maybe a tingling arm). If I can love her this much, I wonder what her mom must be feeling.
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Crazy shopping day. A bag & panties. Gothic make-up. Dad's going to get Curious from duty-free. What a wonderful week.

Those days when I was still a geek......

I was in NPCC. OH GEEZ! Till this day I don't what drove me to do it! If I hadn't been in the company of I-don't-remeber, most probably I'll be a sane person. Not that I'm insane now, I could been saner.

If I hadn't gone in, I would never have known Melissa, Siewling, Josephine & the rest of shit gang(now that's not the point). I certainly don't regret knowing Mel. Sadly I can't say the same for Siew. She's just a useless piece of work wasting space on Earth.

Mel & I go a long way back. Ironically, the person who irritates me the most got me the friend I love. Of all the craziest thing we did, one incident never fail to amuse me immersely. We were supposedly to wear No.3 uniform of a particular training. I forgot my boots, she forgot her canvas. (though I got my parents to drive round to hand me my shoes!) In the end ErChang had to dismiss us from the squad secretly(Oh I was having a raging crush on him then! To think he was reciprocating too!OH!)

Where did we go but Bedok Reservoir! We climbed the web & screamed Lady Marmalade(it was all the rage then), soaked our feet on rocks, lured turtles with bread, & when Ivy's with us, we pop by 7-11 for cup noodles!

What a crazy life I had then....Tan till I was brown like shit colour. Where's that ME?

Romance. Blown out of proportion. Yet not losing the true essence of it. Curiously enough though, its an issue the world has been suppressing for centuries. Wonder which brave soul broke all conventions & pursue it first. It doesn't exist here still. Not the form I want anyway. The romance practised here is monotone, easily obtained.

Was enjoying a chat with John & he mentioned the number of lovers we would allow our future partners. HE! The one who pussy-hop almost every week! Too bad he was raised in an open environment I can hear my mom say. It's a godsend she doesn't know about this evil presence. Otherwise I can forget about living.

He's by far the only person who has admired me for the knots under my belt. But he's one in a million! How many have judged me based on how many guys I've bedded. The male spieces I've encountered took it as a sign that I'll spread my legs for anything in pants. Of course, not to say its hard to deter them, after all I simply have to flash my uglist photo and they'll run-a-mile/need to go/busy(all of a sudden) and (the best I've come across as yet) developed a severe migraine.

John believes there's such a thing as painless love. He obviously hasnt been a proper relationship. Typically of guy, he believes sex comes with love too. Males. Sex=Love. What crap. With people like Jon Duan, the male spieces will never learn to respect physical contact properly. But then, come to think of it, like what the Oompus-Loompus said, every child's values is picked from elders. Our society shaped us.

Asian society will never accept me, so the guys will never accept me. I'm the kind of girl to hang out with, not the type whom a guy brings home(except its for the bedroom affair-& how typical of asian guys to restrict it to only the bedroom). Of course, should my family learn about it, I can jolly well forget about going home. It'll damage their social standing. Their face.

So now you understand why even Romance is all the same. coz Everybody has to have face. Naturally their idea of romance models after idolised movie scenes. Its crap. Unimaginative lot we have here. & I can't and wont have the romance I want. So I'm pulling out before anything gets too deep like thorns pricking. Stem the blood flow before its too late.

I can aspire to being a mistress thoguh. The part whereby I live a comfortable life. It comes with a price of course. No recongnition. Whatever for a life.

Which reap me an Anna Sui powder box! It looks so antique & demure, it very well states Me. BaoBei Edwinnie "profess" he'll get me a whole collection of it. Of course that's after I demanded Boddy Brown & he shuddered at the prices. Thus AnnaSui! Since I've got the loose powder & I'm getting eyeliner myself, he need only get me the eye & lip platter.

My Dream: To retain my fairness, cut off the slack & get my hands on brown eye shadow, black eyeliner & blood red lipstick. I'll be shocking people out of their seats (and cars when I get license) when I'm on my way home at night. I look ghostly enough in the early morning. Imagine Me at night & my dad gets heart attack. Geez!He contributed to this gene pool, this flesh & blood. To think he thinks I look canny is upsetting. Geez! What a dad!

It's been 4mths since my birthday btw. Where's my present?!
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SMU's new criteria for students: Only Hunks & Beautifuls are eligible. Superficial yard stick has already established itself in Education. Mind you! It's a bloody school for goodness sake! Who determines the ruler of Beauty? Those reclusive Professor or the Natty School Clerk?

Geez! To think education was supposed to aid us in depth of character. So much for equality. It's discrimination at its worst. The uglist form of discrimination. Other forms of it is determined by the individual. Looks orginates from genes. You can't blame your parents for passing on ugly genes. Beauty doesn't play a part in studies in anyway. How many percent of the elites actually look presentable you tell me!

Govt mentioned employing elites. Elites = Beauty? What a bullshit government we have here! Of geez! Looks! I need plastic surgery!

Happy National Day! A cheery occasion yet a dreary boring day. What is one to do to kill time with no tickets to the parade, no car to drive to fireworks, no patience to be mangled in human maelstorms & wits waiting to be strained?

Go BBQ~ Finally wore the shells necklace (actually it made it debut on saturday but i forgot to take a pic of it) SO! Today is the actual debut. The workmanship is exqusite but the person doesn't seem to realise anything. No reaction. Toady today. It's going to be different.

I watched & laughed & wheeze my way through the show. It wasn't an easy waltz considering the fact that it's not totally according to the book. But then certain dialogues are the exact words of the book. I won't say which is nicer. Both have their own aims.

The thing is, what it considered as a children section, deserves much exploring intellectually for adults as well. The movie is definitely about family values. It's the typical cruel-parent-estranged-child-made-up Happy Ending. Credits to Hero Charlie of course! Fanatic father so insane son. Both experts in their own fields. Both possess absurb outlook about life. Genius is linked to insanity genetically? Inheritary Parental Mindsets? Its worrying to know the elites, creme la corp, whom we place our trust in, are the ones who are in need of pschological attention more than anyone of us.

I definitely feel I'm smart enough for myself. But nobody can be an island. So I'm leaving my trust in others' hands. What if that person turn out like Brain of Pinky&TheBrain? What social trend. It's unsettling. It's the way we operate. So much for being civilised. So much for being superior creatures.
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And all that for learning literature. I've never watched a show properly after learning what I did.

I wish I can say these days were the dates I've looked forward to. There goes the saying: The more you expect, the greater the disappointment. Perhaps I've taken things too seriously too fast. More likely I've deluded myself into nothingness. I am, after all this time, the second woman, the non-physically present girlfriend, the paid whore, the occasional booty call, among any number of other things, but never a real girlfriend.- courtesy sarong party girl.

I've learnt my place.
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The occasional pang of hunger wormed its way in. Cravings for cheese & cheese. I feel a pregnant woman. I do wish my SugarDaddy'll materialise soon. Ease the Spiralling Death in me.

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Offer: Stay up all night at Marina South Carnival. So-called platonic. My ass. I'll fall asleep on my feet there. What then?

I'm going out tml! And I need to be nice! Finally! I can dress up for outing! For him.

Had a craving for Happy Meal all morning & Joce got it for me! So touched! & I've got a spring toy which supposedly looks like me!Of all cartoons to resemble! Lit class got excited about it though. Had a little game of winding the stupid toy & passing it round the class. Everybody touched her plastic body! Luckily I've got no green hair.

Made an obscene gesture at YouYang. Wat's wrong with decent me?

Was to live the simple dream if fulfilling my life. But is it possible to do so in the state I'm in? I've considered my options in life. Either I can get a job of my own or I can get a suagr daddy to substane my life. I can be high maintainance. I can live by hand-to-mouth either.

But of course in such a country, Should I be a mistress my parents will either throw me out or they'll ignore me. Ignore me will be the best case scenario. But their hearts will be shattered. To them, they can't accept any form of controversial lifestyles. I told them once I wanted to be a lesbian, they screamed at me for being crazy. I was supposedly only getting attention and boy(!) how heaps of attention I've got.

Judging from the present life I lead, I'm surprised I turn out the way I did. I don't think the world of money. I don't crave the high life everyday. There's no denying my occasional pangs of retail therapy thpugh. Like I've said numerous times, I'm a girl! Which girl doesn't like to indulge in a pretty skirt/shirt/blouse/accessory someday? Perhaps mine come at a high price, but my taste can be tuned accordingly.

It's only 2 simply options. But the consequences which entails.....Let's work out the lives of each.

1. I get a job of my own and hold my own fort:
One big worry about such a life is that I'll become a loud-mouthed controlling woman who's obsessed with wearing the pants in every situation. Let's face it, every men have egos. They can't be snubbed and be trampled on everyday. Such women is intolerable. But of course, if I still earn my enough bucks to maintain a satisfactry life, then I don't see the point in marrying at all. Except maybe children.

It's just not that nice to raise children in single parent families. They get teasing, poking, snubbed and sniggled in schools. I don't wish my kids to go through those days. It'll affect their psychological growth. I don't want them to become psychopathic coz of sum idiotic kids.

2. I be a rich man's barbie doll:
If that's not Heaven on Earth, I don't what is. Imagine a life of spas/facials/swimming(in private pools at exclusive clubs)/designer clothes at a snap of my fingers/bags & wallets screaming famous names/customised shoes at manolo/personal shopper at London's Harrods, New York's Fifth Avenue, Paris's La Samaritaine.

I'll dine on filet mignon, wine on Don Perignon all at Cliff of Shangri-La Sentosa. I'll have an headache of taking my Lamborghini, Bentley, Ferrari or Porsche out for a drive. I'll tire of flashing my VIP status at every club. I'll have a vast collection of property and busniesses(losses absorbed by him of coz) Paragon will be my 2nd home.

Geez! I'm definitely going for the 2nd option. It's so easy to make up my mind.
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I just turned down a guy's offer to give discounted ice cream. I feel so bad now. Should have accepted the flirtation and bought the tub of ice cream. Dags!

Everybody's going after Love. But it seems Men are always interested in Sex. Somehow to them, Sex is an integral of relationships. Whereas Women don't place much emphasis on Sex. Physical intimacy is a big step for most. I say most. B'coz I'm not most. I'm the minority out here. I'm the freak. I'll operate better in western countries. I'm the liberal freak. But I won't want to make my life difficult here, so I'll abide by the Asian rules. I'm going to reverse & salvage myself as much as possible. To save myself, to help myself when I should marry someone.