Insignificant. Small. Cheap. Just a few to describe me. To tell that I'm not right. Not in any sense. I should be happy. Either having the time of my life, riding the crest at my prime or simply mugging like mad to clear the exams, to follow in the paper chase. I'm doing neither. I'm just being a waste. I wanted to talk to someone so bad yesterday. I wanted to share it with someone. But to share is to double the burden. At least I'm coherent now. I'm clear. And I never want to forget yesterday.

It began nice enough. I was being the goody goody two shoes by accompanying my grandma on a trip to factories around Singapore. Wasn't too bad. The trip I mean. Until I got back to grandma's house. Called back to say I was going home after dinner. But my mom said to go home instead. One thing good came out of it though. Gong gong gave me money. For being the only one who sacrificied a sunday with them.

The day went sour after I reach home. The tension back home was so dense. Once stepping in, I rather wished I had insisted on staying at grandma's. Being in this family for so long, the reason for that tension can be easily guessed. My dad's bowling craze is to be blamed. Was made to run an errand. Went and bought the wrong thing. Got scolded and pissed. But I went back to get the right stuff. Only to have my slipper's strap broke. Expected someone to come down with a decent pair of slippers. But the monotone at the end of the phone with a "so?" when I explain my situation says it all. I felt unappreciated. I was tired and getting cramps and headache. Yet I made the effort to run the errand. I kicked off my slippers and walked home barefooted. Those people at the party downstairs must have thought I'm crazy. I was. I was driven mad.

Of course things didn't end then. Reached home only to be told my mom went to look for me. I stayed at home to wait. Came home to throw the keys in my face and kick me down from behind. I simply sat there. She came back with the metal pole and my back was the target. She didn't even care I was screaming mad. She didn't even care she used a metal on me. I only wanted to shield myself when I lifted the chair. She claimed I wanted to fight back and snatch it to throw it at me. Got thrown at twice. I wonder if there's any humane traits in her at all. Dragged and kicked me out of the house.

I didn't think so much. Only to go downstairs. I wanted to only talk to him. But he can't be bothered anyway. Coz he's going into camp. Why should he be bothered? Went over to buy myself sandwiches. Only to end up getting drunk. Cheers carry these vodka and beer. Its pretty good. She caught me drunk on the staircase landing. Dragged me home to punish me further. Only this time round, my dad had to add in. I didn't study. I don't care about staying home. I only wish to have fun. It drove her over the edge. It was agony from that point on. Nothing wakes drunk up more than a beating.

Of course jeremy could not have known anything at that time. But when I read the sms "what r u doin", I just simply snorted and feel like it couldn't have been better. I thought I could rely on him. But if he doesn't even care that I'm being asked how much I am per sex everyday, he won't care if I'm in desperate measures. If I don't get these incessant calls, I wont tell him. I don't wish to worry him. Evidently, I was just being wistful. I was dumb. No one will understand the meaning of those calls, the impact on one unless you've been through it. I felt tempted to actually answer these calls then at least the accusations of me being a cheat and slut will be true and I needn't explain myself anymore. I just didn't get the chance to acede to this decision. Coz by then, my mom found me drunk and dragged me home kicking wildly. That old man got a show alright. With me screaming and my mom hitting. He probably thinks I'm the black sheep.

I feel like screaming at the people I call family. I feel like hitting the person I call my boyfriend. I'm made insignificant. I'm made small. I'm made slutty. he said to ignoring him is hurting him. He has no idea what I go through. They don't bother. It's always just them. It's them who feels the pain and hurt. I'm just there. I have no feelings.That gives them the right to treat me thus. No. I'm living in a shell. I'm living my life. I won't have to bother about them either. I just have to cut them off. I am doing it.