I'm nuts.I'm going nuts.Spent the whole exam writing a letter. To which i crushed and throw. Coz I feel unreasonable for writing. Yet I feel its my truth that I'm writing down. Its thrown. In my bag.

I want time out from life.

What would you do if war's raging on right in your house? What would you say if there's a insane and a violent sod? What would you feel when you're tryin to study and they fling chairs all over the room? What would you do when they pull you into the war zone?

I did nothing. Simply listened to the ravings of a mad woman. Just that its not me she's ragging on. It's a relief to say I'm not the target of all that nuclear bomb. It gave me even greater pleasure to pin point the culprit. None other than that excuse of a brother. His crime : to go for a movie without telling her and taking money from his own account.

I felt like telling her to fuck off when she kept going on at my bro for the missing sum. She has no sense of privacy at all. None. She holds the accounts, she keeps the keys. That's tyranny. That's being over-possessive. I don't see the fuss that had to kicked just coz he "went for a movie". We are in our late teens. we should be granted our freedom if anything. Our father agrees with us. One comment of his : "Your kids are not your pets. You can't tie them to you forever." I doubt if she understands though. Her love has become a burden. It's so heavy to bear the weight.

I hate her for damaging my family life. I hate her for disrupting the harmony. I detest my bro for being the instigator. I despise him for striking at his own mom. He has no respect in his bones. Only for my dad. I can't say I hate my dad. Yet he's not someone I would gladly love either. Mom defamed dad in front of us and she accused him of using us against her. My bro maybe. But never me.

That freak of a bro has no respect. I just wish his enlistment will come earlier and we'll be rid of him for that period. By the time he's back, I'll be able to spend my days out, not having to face him. I hate him just below my mom. But the hate will never be balanced by love.

a happy family. is what i want.

Asian societies. Typical. Its essential. It's important. It's everything. I knew I was born on the wrong side of the continent since primary days. That's not me. I'm binding my time. To do something so shocking it'll wipe that smirk off my mom's face and make her shit her pants. To knock her off her majesty chair and let her crown fall off. I'll plan something so outrageous it'll stain the perfect family portrait she spend her last 20years painting. It'll break the surface so bad it'll show the irrepairable cracks beneath. I'm waiting for that day.

Sometimes I hate her so much. I can't stand the sight of her. She suffocates me simply by being in my room. I go crazy merely at a whisp of her voice. Yet when the storm blows off, I'm back to a balanced relationship with her. Love-hate relationship. It swings me back and forth. It corrupts my thoughts and erodes my values.

I have no mood to study. For so many factors. From tonnes of burden. Coz of streams of emtions. Just coz of that I'm the disgraceful daughter. The ungrateful sod. The ugly toad. I'll bet she'll be high in the clouds if I do get a 10million husband. Well, according to her, that will only happen if I get a cert. She'll fight to look after my kids next time. To get a bigger share of the amount I'll give over in future. That is if I do have the ability to give birth. That's a different story I don't wish to touch on. She's that and more.

She make me feel a failure. She make me feel that if I don't get into a uni, it's the end of life. She's not worried about my future. She explicitly told me its "coz your father's side will sniggle." So be it. It's not as if they are not doing it now. They can badmouth behind their sisters. They backstab my father. I don't see the point in being concern with their narrow minded comments. She cares. Coz it's all about face.

When I jumped the gun and scored an A average, I was giving her a platform to show-off. When she managed to get me agree to attend JC, I'm giving her another reason to showcase her family life. When my brother joined the "league of elites", we've given her a stage to perform. When my dad bought her the diamond ring, he has offered her a cover to "mourn her life loudly".

She talked loudly all the while flashing her diamond in the faces of my "father's side". I understand when she does that in front of her own sisters. They look down on her. I agree with her doing so. But to do it with my father's side? I think she's plain dumb.

So now I have to complete her props by getting into a university. We are just landing supporting roles. The leading lady has high demands. It's all about her face remember? So she can show off her perfect family life.
I bet Florence auntie forced her barely scraping son into JC coz she's irritated with my mom. I bet everybody's irritated with her.

Sometime, I wonder how long will it take her to kill me, before I kill myself.

Just think this is true.

Secrets. Sound so wrong. Esp when psychiatrists urge people to open up. But there's just something in us which we simply couldn't share. That locked compartment which only you would know the key. It makes me feel secure. It makes me heavy with dread.

I'm looking for the perefct postcards to mail my secrets. I found one which suits me perfect. But after thinking of the words to put down in ink, I find that I don't want it to be a fact. Once I've published my secrets in black and white, it's finalised forever. I'm still hoping it's just a dream. A bubble I can burst easily. I'm looking for the person to hand me the needle. The needle to burst this horrible thing.

_baby_
Is doing yoga right now. Was playing the fool by twisting everywhere. And she can fold her baby body all the way into herself. That's baby bones for you. Was talking to my cousin on Sunday. A 13yr old is going after my 12-yr old niece. She told the boy her mom said with no 1million in his account, he can forget about going after her. What a cool mom!

Btw I strike a deal with her. Lose my ugliness by end of year, I'm going to LV's gala ball with her. She taught to get a guy with 10million in his account. Only then, talk about marriage. Its a deal.I'm on my way to le high society.

_dad_
Made up with mom. Coz it would just be too bad for their faces if we show up at aunt's house looking like we are having Cold War. So they made up. And he sang her "their" love song. All's well.

But for me? I'm not to wear contacts anymore. He's slowly cutting my supplies. He said its not good for the eyes. Supposedly. He made me even more hasty for Lasik. Initially he said it'll be my 21st birthday present. Now he told me I have to work for it myself. Hope he'll change his mind.

_mom_
I asked the Lasik op of him for my 21st birthday. I gave my mom an easier task. I made her promise me a diamond studded pendant of my name. She said yes. I can't wait for 21.

Just had an alteration auntie up to collect the clothes. And my mom was so rude to her. She says she wants us to be polite and courteous. Yet she shows people that sickening face of hers. Hypocrite. Of course nobody is better than her family. My aunts are the best and my grandma's the bestest. Whatever shit.

Hype.Scandal.Sex.Lies. Draws the most attention in Singapore. I'm sure it's likewise in other countries. BUT singapore has a rather overt reaction regarding such natures. What's these stories about the "innocent" China woman who got murdered? Why is it that the man gets all the blame and the victim gets all the pity just b'coz she's dead? All's fair in the game of love. It applies to affairs too, dumbheads. It is not one sided game. It works both ways.

It irks me to read Singaporeans putting down our own fellow man while defending foreigners. I'm not saying that foreigners are bad creatures who caused all the trouble. I'm NOT even suggesting it. I'm just pointing a fact. Look at the Huang-Na case. She's dead. What's the bloody use of buying a dead plush toys and dresses and shoes? Donating money to her mother and that man? The mother is building a villa back in China WITH the money stupid Singaporeans donated!Why are Singaporeans always siding the victims? Don't you all have brains to think? Everything happen for a reason. Nothing comes in one dimension, people. Or should I say children? Why? Coz singaporeans don't think for themselves. Government does it for us! Government plans for us, works out the future for us, supports us, helps us. Or so they say.
Oh I forgot to add. The Government sets the rules for us too. The police says the man is the murderer. So we must believe he is. Police claims he did the murder coldbloodedly. So we should believe. ITS THE POLICE. That's bullshit. That's Singapore for you. Whatever the Government says is right, it must be right. It's blank and white here. Nothing falls into the grey zone. One answer to one question. One solution to one problem. According to them , its law. According to me, its dictatorship.

The Government reaches everywhere; schools, households, communities, business. Everything everywhere. "They are only doing this for the best interests of Singapore." That's crap. When they say, they encourage creativity in school, they are actually saying they want kids with "creativity" who conforms to their rules. Creativity my shit. What's creativity when they tell you what to do?

One perfect example will be the project work people in JCs go through. It's supposedly a subject to boost the scoop of students here. Students who are otherwise termed boring geeks. The aim of the project: expand the imagination of students. Method: Allowing them the freedom to choose their own topics to work on. But when my group turn in our proposal of changing fashion, (mind you, its just FASHION) our supervising tutor says there's nothing to be discussed. We churned out ideas (which included prostitution at one point), those which were considered controversial were rejected. Of so many groups in the school, all of us were only revolving round a few topics. Hello? What's the point of letting us choose our projects then? Why don't they just set us a topic like they used to when we're still dumbos in primary schools? Save us all the trouble of wasting the brain power.

Not to mention the exams. One answer to one question. That's promoting creativity? Teaching the kids the "correct" way to give an answer? That's not creativity. That's friggin' dictatorship. And what about all these hype of the Lee dynasty when the new PM was appointed? Of coz HE will get the place! His daddy's the father of Singapore. Whatever daddy says, Government nods the head. Look at daddy's tittle. Minister Mentor! He's still not retired. HELL no. That's not enough for him btw. His daughter-in-law's in charge of Temasek Holdings. Who got cheated of millions btw. The millions comes from US, the CIVILIANS. Taxes of the commoners. His sons owns Singtel(who monopolise the phone lines market) and Starhub cable(the only cable here).

That's not all. Look at the salaries of the MPs. They are paid $25,000 per month for sitting on their asses in their nice cushy offices, occasionally gracing the lowly HDB areas they are in-charge of. They talk, eat, cut, attend ceremonies. And they get $25,000 per month. Where does that kind of money come from? US, the CIVILIANS. From the taxes we pay.

Know the fund NKF has? It's 345millions. Its in fund. What do they use the money for? Nice modern buildings with salt water aquariums(which costs a bomb to maintain btw) and high paid executives to "scan" the cases who applied for help. When you donate $5, by the time it reaches the patients, they're left with $0.50. Government says the salaries of these "social workers" can't be disclosed. In a nutshell, they get high salaries. I just wish people would wake up and realise the Government's not as clean as they claim to be. You want to help a cause, go directly to the person who really need it and hand it personally.

I have so much more to complain about. But the Government isn't the only thing I have in mind. I disgressed from the real topic. About Stupid Singaporeans and Scheming China Women. But then no one of significance reads this. May as well shelve the topic and go have a nap now.

Whenever my mom switches on the radio, it sure turn out to be boring stuff. 98.5 after all. All the chinese wierd oldies and stuff. The news is good I admit. It managed to boost its own image yesterday though. The topics discussed was pretty....intriguing....

According to private eyes, they are handling more cases of extramarital affairs compared to 5years ago. And most of these affairs sprung up from office. The excuse: Facing each other almost 10hours everyday, feelings will develope. That's bullshit! Since e beginning the time, men and women have worked together and I don't see such problems beginning then. Stupid excuse.

One woman said one of the china women was working with her husband. The woman was her best friend. And both of them betrayed her. That sure sucks. And that slut had the cheek to tell her "I sure wish I'll take your place someday." That stupid woman still didn't get the hint then and wished her all the best. Only when she find herself homeless then did she realised the truth. The day after her divorce was finalised the bastard immediately registered for marriage with that slut. Jian nui ren.

Everybody sympathise with the gruesomely murdered china woman. People, think! If she's such a nice girl as her colleagues and landlord said, why did she end up with a guy who has family then? He paid for her english class and accomodations. When she felt she is established, she decided to leave him. She followed him home too! Isn't it telling of her character? She was chopped to 7parts. Only an insane or a very aggravated man can do such cold murder. She must have driven him to desperate measure. Stupid people. She can show a facade to everybody but a mask to a victim of hers. We won't know what went on prior to the murder. Just think that people should stop pitying that woman.

Another topic they discussed was the "shu nui" of singapore. The criteria for being a "shu nui" is to be conservative when it comes to dressing, quiet and in other words, boring. I won't make a shu nui. Coz to them, only those who sit with their legs crossed and eat in small bites can be shu nui. These I fail miserably. But such stuff are set by society. An dI'd like to say our society's so boring and rigid. No colours in it at all.

Was looking at baby hugging her ladybird and dog. There's something about baby which is just cuteness.....Its bliss.

So I'm just not good enough. After 5days, it's still me to pick on. What a sweet mom i have. She watched Superstar on tv and ask me why can't be pretty like her(contestant)? She passed by boutiques and asked me why can't be slim like her(shopper)? She sat down to have dinner and ask me why can't i be ladylike like her(another diner)? Haiz...I don't understand her. Just coz I'm not aattractive like the "her"s so I'm not good enough? Just coz I will never be on model contests, singign contests or ating contests so I'm not good enough? But actually its true. Babes say I must slim down. Dear said I should too. Everybody says so. Should I?

Cold war saga is still on btw. Its ice glacier at home. Worse in car. My mucus can be heard tickling my nostrils. Haiz.... pathetic home front I have here. Maybe its coz of my mom. Maybe its coz of my dad. They believe the fault lies with me. Root of the problems. Whatever. Why keep me when all I am is trouble then? Wierd people. Sometimes I wonder if I truly am their daughter..... I just don't have their genes.

Ting just had an argument with yang today. Why is it that whenever one has a problems, 99% of the time it has to do with love? Love is bittersweet. Extremely high points but it can drop you off to bottomless pit. A fall you can't stop unless love decides to reach out for you. The peaks and lows of a relationship is it worth it? Mine.....yea....Ting's too. Joce's too. Not Siewling's though.

Siewling's bf brought her to meet the parents. From what she described, it's the in-laws from hell. Well, monster-mother-in-law that is. The mom prayed to the gods once Siewling stepped through the door. Then went on to grill her about her education level, family background and her character. Then assessed her dressing and "politely" offered to bring her on a shopping trip. Geez. The 2nd time she saw Siew, she invited her to an impromptu dinner with relatives and asked others to grade her. For me I would have walked out. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, I deserve my dignity. It's as if Siew's a piece of jade on show. To grade her according to the colour and workmanship and place of product.

I hope I shall never have to come across such boyfriends with such families. I hate guys with baggage in the form of families. But then again, I don't think I will have serious problems with older generations. I look decent enough. Its a different story underneath it all. *winks*

One thing about having someone who knows you better than anyone else is scary at times. This someone will most probably be the aiai. Maybe it doesn't work for you. It works for me. Ting I know. May I know. Joce I know. Love can simply hit the spot which you thought it doesn't show. That you felt you've hidden well. It amazes me. But he take it as natural. I don't know. How does it work? I can't seem to find the right things to do and points to show him. Not good enough again?

He'll be out tomorrow. Won't be seeing him though. Will he miss me?

Messy, tiring day. Brought baby all the way down to grandma's place then move on to Raffles Place. Just coz we want to have a look at the deli my aunt works in. It makes no sense I know, but its me you're talking about. Me, Wenqi. The hotdog tastes good(looks like *ahem* of a dog's/horse's), the salad's fresh and the potatoes are creamy. But one can get food overload easily in there. Mustard sucks btw. Esp american mustard.

Of the things americanised, mustard must be the worst invention of all. Trust the yankees to think of these tasteless stuff. At least chinese cuisine is divine. Snub us your head. Stupid angmohs. To think they are poor in their own countries, treated as gods in Asian territory, chinese are mad. Crazy. Siao. Shen jing bing. Xia jian. Xia liu. Wu chi.

Be a chinese. Don't be a stupid chinese.

Lesson of the day: Never bring a kid out without planning the route. Plz take note of the NEVER. It's extremely inportant. With orchard filled with crazy monkeys, ah lians and kiasu tortoises, you'll never reach your destination without planning. Once again, take note of the word "NEVER". Extremely important I stress.

Going to Raffles was easy. Of coz! My mom can't push the pram, can't bring a bag big enough to hold the bottles and diapers and extra clothes and milk powder and wet hankies and dry hankies and plush toys and last of all, baby shoes! So guess who did it? Maria Tan. Yup. There's a plus for bringing a senior citizen, a baby, a troublesome woman and a too-cool-to-move bro though. I handled them all. I'll be the most trained mommy by the time I have my own kids. Trust me. Anyway, my aunt bought me a mood changing Spongebod!! There, such a girl who ask so little in return. Where on earth can you get one but in Punggol 21!

Before the outing though, strategy has to be planned. First we are to take trains. As much as possible. Coz buses are prams unfriendly and babies weigh a tonne by the time you walk 1km. So I dragged my entourage to Kovan to take NEL to Dhoby Ghaut to switch to the Red line. From there on, its easy job. BUT going home was a nightmare! No bloody body will move to spare you that one inch to push your kiddie in Mercs into the train. So never mind. We just waited for the next train. I've learnt my lesson. I made sure I stood right in the middle of the path to the doors. Before we alight, I told my mom and grandma to hold onto the existing doors. Once I say out, out we must go. Not now....wait a little while...OK OK OUT OUT! And all five of us scuttle out of the train. Going up the escalator: Wenhui, Quick Quick go in front of me! When I say one, two, three, Turn and hold onto the front of the pram! OKIES, 1, 2, 3! Turn turn turn! And sooooo our day carried on pretty much the same way.

By the time we're home, it's 10+. so my mom had to rush the bath and feeding time. Once I get home, my bro filled the baby tub, my mom went to change and I stripped baby(it sounds all wrong but come on!). Once baby's in tub, I mixed the cereal and filled her bottle while my bro lay out the clothes. Phew! Got her home by 10.30. A feat considering we take an hour to do this normally. Yea~ We are one happy, gan cheong spider family.

One question. I look old enough to have kids?? People who stopped to hold baby's hand or coo to her will automatically turn to me and ask "How old ar?" My mom's beside me. My aunt's behind me. Why ask me?? Most probably they think I've gotten pregnant and gave birth to her under my mom's name. Crazy people. No doubt baby Levonn's an attraction though. Well-liked by strangers, Loved to death by us. She's damn lucky. Coz she's a cute.

Forgot to show off on sat. Dear bought me the bag I wanted! The white canvas Nightmare-before-Christmas bag! I already saved 10+ for it. I thought I just have to wait for a few more weeks for it. But Jillian told him. So he got it for me. Imagine my surprise when he got out from under the car seat! Tears, sobsob. So now I can return Ting the money. Owe you a bit first though. Will save more and pay my full debt. In the bag, there's another chain of five skulls. I attached it to the original chain. And I had to lose it today. Speechless. My mom wanted to buy me another. Coz she felt responsible.(If she didnt spill the water, I wont need to zip and unzip and zip and unzip my bag again and again, thus losing the skulls.) But nvm.....

Oh btw I'm not done with my show-off-ing. He let me do whatever I want that day. One auntie commented when he simply hugged me on the escalator. Shameless was what she said. Just a hug. After not seeing him for 2weeks, just a hug is shameless. Typical singaporean. Blow things up. That him taught me all the wrong things too. Took me drinking in the middle of noon. Spent the whole day. When all you get is a day, you'll scrimp on minutes and become stingy with seconds. Still, I don't get enough of him.

I still can't find the gold hoop earrings and shiny gold cosmetics bag.

One discovery. I am a true blue girl. Those soft fluffy butter-made kind. In a nutshell, the useless kind.

I hate others being involved when I have problems with another. I dislike dragging others into awkard postions in between us. And I detest people always siding the other party. WHAT ABOUT ME? Oh yea.....I forgot, I'm always at fault.

And I still hasn't had my period. No cramps since saturday, when I'm supposed to have my period. Nothing in sight. I'm in deep shit.

Insignificant. Small. Cheap. Just a few to describe me. To tell that I'm not right. Not in any sense. I should be happy. Either having the time of my life, riding the crest at my prime or simply mugging like mad to clear the exams, to follow in the paper chase. I'm doing neither. I'm just being a waste. I wanted to talk to someone so bad yesterday. I wanted to share it with someone. But to share is to double the burden. At least I'm coherent now. I'm clear. And I never want to forget yesterday.

It began nice enough. I was being the goody goody two shoes by accompanying my grandma on a trip to factories around Singapore. Wasn't too bad. The trip I mean. Until I got back to grandma's house. Called back to say I was going home after dinner. But my mom said to go home instead. One thing good came out of it though. Gong gong gave me money. For being the only one who sacrificied a sunday with them.

The day went sour after I reach home. The tension back home was so dense. Once stepping in, I rather wished I had insisted on staying at grandma's. Being in this family for so long, the reason for that tension can be easily guessed. My dad's bowling craze is to be blamed. Was made to run an errand. Went and bought the wrong thing. Got scolded and pissed. But I went back to get the right stuff. Only to have my slipper's strap broke. Expected someone to come down with a decent pair of slippers. But the monotone at the end of the phone with a "so?" when I explain my situation says it all. I felt unappreciated. I was tired and getting cramps and headache. Yet I made the effort to run the errand. I kicked off my slippers and walked home barefooted. Those people at the party downstairs must have thought I'm crazy. I was. I was driven mad.

Of course things didn't end then. Reached home only to be told my mom went to look for me. I stayed at home to wait. Came home to throw the keys in my face and kick me down from behind. I simply sat there. She came back with the metal pole and my back was the target. She didn't even care I was screaming mad. She didn't even care she used a metal on me. I only wanted to shield myself when I lifted the chair. She claimed I wanted to fight back and snatch it to throw it at me. Got thrown at twice. I wonder if there's any humane traits in her at all. Dragged and kicked me out of the house.

I didn't think so much. Only to go downstairs. I wanted to only talk to him. But he can't be bothered anyway. Coz he's going into camp. Why should he be bothered? Went over to buy myself sandwiches. Only to end up getting drunk. Cheers carry these vodka and beer. Its pretty good. She caught me drunk on the staircase landing. Dragged me home to punish me further. Only this time round, my dad had to add in. I didn't study. I don't care about staying home. I only wish to have fun. It drove her over the edge. It was agony from that point on. Nothing wakes drunk up more than a beating.

Of course jeremy could not have known anything at that time. But when I read the sms "what r u doin", I just simply snorted and feel like it couldn't have been better. I thought I could rely on him. But if he doesn't even care that I'm being asked how much I am per sex everyday, he won't care if I'm in desperate measures. If I don't get these incessant calls, I wont tell him. I don't wish to worry him. Evidently, I was just being wistful. I was dumb. No one will understand the meaning of those calls, the impact on one unless you've been through it. I felt tempted to actually answer these calls then at least the accusations of me being a cheat and slut will be true and I needn't explain myself anymore. I just didn't get the chance to acede to this decision. Coz by then, my mom found me drunk and dragged me home kicking wildly. That old man got a show alright. With me screaming and my mom hitting. He probably thinks I'm the black sheep.

I feel like screaming at the people I call family. I feel like hitting the person I call my boyfriend. I'm made insignificant. I'm made small. I'm made slutty. he said to ignoring him is hurting him. He has no idea what I go through. They don't bother. It's always just them. It's them who feels the pain and hurt. I'm just there. I have no feelings.That gives them the right to treat me thus. No. I'm living in a shell. I'm living my life. I won't have to bother about them either. I just have to cut them off. I am doing it.

Just painted my nails and one of them is spoilt! So much for dressing nicely in full package for him. Stupid brand. I changed nail polish every week. Yet I feel the colours are not enough. It's as if the colours i don't get in life are reflected on my nails. Not the cheery colours regretably. The dull normal colours. So let me. Boring.

Talked to SiewLing not long ago. I find her irritating. Not coz she's "below me" or frumpy. But coz given the circumstances she's in, she never do realise she's crazy. To go one step further would be saying she's scheming. I seem so mean and petty to piss a friend of mine like this. But if she were to be a better person who's willing to change, I would have accepted her; the past, the present as well as the future. I'll make myself clear in case I've become the villain here.

Since secondary school, she's so damn boy-crazy. She wants to enjoy life later on, I don't understand why don't she strive for it then? Instead of always dreaming to getting a bf, the richer the better. My mom always tell me a rich bf would mean a family with background. No proper family will accept a girl who don't complete any studies into their rigid family. Not unless she's at least capable in certain ways or at the very least, hardworking. Ling and I bore this into her for 2 years but it came to nothing. She is hardworking. Only when it comes to boys.

Her scheming ways? One perfect example would be her arranging to meet up with an online friend. She wanted Ivy to go along. Her reason: "You're ugly. Even more so than me. If you go along, he'll never look at you. He'll like me only. You can be my sort of assistant." When Ivy told me that I felt like smacking Siew! What a friend indeed!

Lately she got dumped. On valentine's day of all days. I pitied her then. Coz she thought he would be the one she will marry. No point laughing at her. She's navie in that sense. I just wished she had been tough on him. To dump her on that day of all days! Can't he just simply bear it for a few more days?? She defended him after that! Dignity? Where's hers??

Talk about stupidity. I thought I was dumb. She's even dumber. Or she's not. I don't know how to describe her. She got involved with another guy. And she thinks she wants to MARRY HIM!!! She's ...........now that he's in army, his true colours are showing. I don't mean to burst that blissful bubbles of hers. But if my bf can call and sms me everyday at least 10times, I'm sure her bf can do the same too. If I can get jeremy on the phone during the nigth, she should have been able to too. But its either his phone is off or he's too tired/busy/distracted to talk to her. Okies, then at least sms her. But no! He says it'll waste his battery. Shit! Told her he's not worth it. She told me I'm being jealous! Yeah, Hey, I'm jealous that my bf calls everyday. Jeremy why can't you call less? Why can't you stop smsing me? Crazy shit. Can't be bothered about her.

Superstar on channel U. Programme to churn out two bright stars to leave a mark in Asia. But looking at the quality of the people.....hm....let's just say it leaves much to be desired. Singapore surely has its fair share of talent with looks. But they are always the ones who are missing out on such competitons. Why? Coz they have thin skin? only those who possess thick skin goes on? Hm....Perhaps it's just a stupidSingapore trend.

Down the road in 20, 30 years, where will i be? What life will i lead? Parents will always tell their kids to study hard so that they will have a fulfilling life later on. Their idea of fulfilment: Having material comforts. It is nice to be able to enjoy the luxury. But material comfort is the furthest extent of their ideal life. It doesn't surprise me that Singapore has no culture at all. The older generation was too busy making their own marks to cultivate such aspect in life. The younger generation is too busy pampering themselves to bother about such stuff. This is disgressing from my actual topic. Let's go back to it.

So! What about me?
1st scenario: I could be a housewife stuck at home with a busload of screaming dirty brats and an insensitive husband who sticks to his drinking buddies and tv and soccer bets. The brats will be a headache to schools and the husband to me. That's not a life i want. I studied so hard not to be a haggard woman cut off from society, having only my family as my world.

2nd scenario: I'll be the successful businesswoman of the year. I'll live in my big palace in Holland Drive and own a olympic size pool with my personal assistants and ladies-in-waiting. Enjoying my palace in a cold lonely way. As an old cow-faced shrewd.

3rd scenario: I'll be enjoying my life with a proper family, a career which allows me creativity and a comrfortable place to live in. To sip a cocktail while the daddy and kids are in e pool. The maid will be annoucing dinner with a bell and i'll work on flexible hours from home. And I'll have cooking nights, concert nights, musical nights, reading nights, market nights, and MacDonald's Sunday Breakfast. Kid's night is every night. That's life....

He's coming out @8pm on friday night! But i won't be there of course....whatever.

Cute little hearts of wings. Could it be my heart's like that? That it'll fly the moment one's gone? But that's not the case. Coz I know I miss him like mad. I know he's shagged after a day's work. But at times I'll wish he'll try to give his all to just talk to me after so long. I know he tries his best. Most probably I'm the only one whom he calls and sms everyday. I'm glad. Truly. The thing is he can only call at times when I'm at the most inconvienent time.

_The cards we've been dealt are of the foulest nature._

Solicting Sex Day
Is there anyone who set this date as solicting sex day? Horny guys are on the roam. They exist everyday. It seems though, such species are especially striving tonight. I wish sometimes I don't cross their path. But after the past, it's pretty impossible.

_The memories will linger long after the wounds._

Perhaps the wounds will heal thereafter. The process has began and it's starting off slow. It requires stitching once in a while. Then those vulnerable wounds are found. Medicine will press its case on it. Then it'll be sewn and left alone for time. To be anticipating the next round of inspection. They just won't let go of you. Once you tangle in the web. It's life. It's me.

This is going to be a very long entry. Take your time to digest. My thoughts for the past week are here! Devour it bit by bit. Otherwise you'll get overload. Here it goes.

Surprise
Surprises in life may come from a huge unexpected event. But more often than not, what surprises us the most is the mundane things which hides a different facade beneath. I took for granted that my parents are the fortunate couple who manage to love each other since the beginning of time. What it turn out to be is different though.

Their Story
I have no full story as to how they got together. But it was after my dad left NS and he was crazy about bowling while being a full-time Ah Beng. My gong gong should have objected but he didn't. He could have seen that rebellious bomb hiding a responsible soul. He could have thought my dad would be the man to tame my mom's wild temper. He could have thought they were great together. He didn't think my mom would have look down on my dad.

Supposedly, my dad's a control freak. He demanded my mom to stay at hometo wait for his calls when he had to go for reservice. No handphones in those days. No lies in those days. How dumb. She stood by the phoneand waited for him. Those were to be the honeymoon stage for couples. It was fine for her i guess.

In any case, soon after she got distracted. She was a beauty of her time(that's where i got my genes!). Her boss took notice of her. No men backs off without trying. He dated her. She swayed over to him. My dad threatened to kill her and her alleged lover or commit suicide. Wow....That coming from my mom, i doubt she wants to blacken the image of my dad unnecessarily. She was teaching me to choose my guys carefully. She regretted going with my dad. The boss is now the CEO of another company. She would have been Holland Drive taitai if she had not yield to my dad's childish tactics.

And to think I thought they were leaving a blissful, trubulent occasionally, happily ever after. She wasn't happy with this marriage. She was just bearing it. My dad's not interested in this marriage. He was just bearing it. Tolerance. They simply tolerate each other that's all. After 20 years of marriage to come to that stage, it is pathetic. I certainly do not wish to ever get stuck in such a marriage.

FamilyFront

Then there's my family. Family life is well and truly close on the surface. Just probe further and you'll find the cracks widening. One thing I can barely stand is the way my mom controls us. Even my dad. If she were ever to run for any disciplinary post, she'll win it hands down. She'll be the most hated Discipline Mistress of Singapore. No doubt about it.

She goes through our personal belongings, searches through all closets and cupboards, drags out all homework and counts all the savings of us. That's the very reason why I don't save. So what if I save? All that money will only go to her. To feed our education fund. All miscellaneous stuff goes through her. She does such checks randomly. I despise her for being such a freak. I despise her for not granting us any privacy.

Imagine an 18 year old having to report to her crazy mom everyday! No permission granted, I needn't consider going out. For heaven's sake! I feel so fucking idiotic. I resent her more and more. No freedom. She does pretty good lies too. Promise: I'll grant you anything if you go to JC. What shit! Anything? Fucking pathetic. Who on earth wants to go shop with her? Everything about her comes first. When the stuff don't fit her, she finds something to criticse about it. Especially those which fits me. What the fuck! She's always out to embarrass by the way. Regardless who that person is, she/he is bound to wish for a hole to jump into at a certain point. She's that irritating! How I wish a heavy lesson will land on her to teach her the meaning of life. To get a hold of herself. To realise the demeaning ways of her. Maybe the "tumour" shouldn't be benign. Maybe it should be life threatening. To suit her drama mama way! Since she claims she's dying ( just because of a stupid benign! 10mm teeny weeny bean in her womb).

Her way of reacting to people's comments of her slimming, "Oh! I'm dying! Please pity me! There's a tumour in my womb!" Please take note those are her exact words. It simply serves to irritate poeple instead of garnering the sympathy she was hoping to get. What the fuck! She's unbearable. She's crazy. To say I dislike her is too mild. Seriously.

Everybody says one should be filial. I really don't see how I can be filial whole heartedly. She's making me crazy. I would always think of ridiculous things to worry about. She likes to call me when I'm out, I'll always sneak glance around me even though I know it was impossible for her to be where I was. I would always think all sorts of scenario happening when I'm out. She really make me crazy. All the gifts and things I share with him had to be hidden. I'll change the hiding spot everyday. I'll always get paraniod about her. Extreme case. I'm crazy. I'm really crazy.

I wish for the day when she will truly leave me alone. I always crave the day when she will truly free me. What I'm afraid of is the after effects of the horror she put me through. The feeling of being suppressed can't be rid within a day. It has gotten so bad I'll get out of bed to check if my hidden stuff is still there. I get breathless whenever I think of her ever finding out all the lies I told to get away from her. I'm crazy. I'm really crazy.

Not to mention my dad. Either he can't be bothered or he doesn't know what's going on. Everytime my mom fights with my brother, he'll simply shout for them to stop or pipe down. Besides that, he throws tantrums. Lately I can even add obstinate to the list. He simply refuses to listen to what we have to say. To him, he's the one who's been out in society, so it makes him more knowledgeable than anyone in the house. That's simply bullshit. At times I argue my case. But mostly I simply keep mum. After all he's to be the winner is he not? Why has my dad turn out that way?

He drives us to school, gives us ample pocket money, doesn't interfere with our lives too much and grant us our space. Granted. He has the right ideas which I would be happy with. But he's not putting on the pants to hold down his rules. Somehow along the way, he had handed everything over to mom. He has his nights of bowling, days of work, circle of friends and hobby to kill time. He faces his fish more than he faces us. He doesn't listen to me anymore. Unless its severe situation. Like the dumps my studies is in. He doesn't ask about our friends, our school, our lives, our hobbies, our wishes. I feel no part of him in the family. Only when it comes to finance and tv.

Then of course, there's my darling brother. Both my parents shelter him, pamper him, sayang him. Why? "Because he has no EQ. He won't survive in the society. He's smarter than you no doubt. He's always the smart one. You are the stupid one. But you will survive. So we have to love him more." What crap is that? Its just them assuaging their guilt. When they get my material wants, they are filling a hole in my life. It's not effective. But it acts like a stopper to a bottle. I'm just waiting to explode. When I'm past my expiry date, I will. I'm just keeping my strength. I just know that the world's unfair. The world starts from my home. The unfairness starts from my brother's birth. My baby bro, rave all you want. I'll be free of them one day.

Him

In the army, there's nothing he can do. -You'll be kind to the persons who treat you bad, mean to the persons who treat you right.- I thought I'll drive him away. After all, I threw tantrum at him for no reason. I held him responsible for things which he's not liable for. That's how desperate I was at home. At times I wish to make it all up to him. Then I'll be bursting to treat him right and proper. But I don't get the chance to. Coz I don't know how to out ti across to him. I don't think he even know how much he means to me. Coz I don't allow him to know. He may use it against me. I'm crazy. I'm really crazy. For him. Miss him.

I'm counting the days till I see him. I need an excuse to get out. And i want to dress nicely to meet him. Please help me out here. Devise a plan for me.

He's fresh into camp. I'm sitting in a gloomy room. A mirror of inner.

He's gone gone gone. Nothing much to say. We said our farewells yesterday. Well its not exactly how i plan it to be. But at least its better than nothing. I'm glad i got to get out yesterday. And it was good enough for me. Not that good...like i said though, better than nothing. Nice day. Hot day. But i made the effort to dress up for him. The first time i can go out with him in home clothes. Absolutely have to dress up. Otherwise he don't want me.


I wanted to be there today. Circumstances forbid though.
1st: I can't possibly go out at 2pm till don't-know-what-time.
2nd: He doesn't have enough ticket to allow me a space to go along.
3rd: His parents don't know about us.
4th: He can't let his family know me. except for his sister.
5th: I hate having to send him off.


He said he can't bring me along to the ferry terminal. He asked if i understand. Of course i understand. How on earth could i not. I wish i could refuse to acknowledge this refusal to take me along. But he has valid reasons to support his case. With 5 tickets, he can only afford to bring his family along. He can't spring a surprise on them last minute. We'll turn out like Monster-in-law. I just feel that today's so anti-climax. Yesterday's not according to plans. At least i've got a mail and day and sms and calls from him.


Edwin babe, I will keep an open mind as to the future. But i can safely say he's the best decent guy whom i've ever got. Saying i love him (if love can be cultivated in sucha short time) isn't exaggerating.


I love Mr Soh.

Last day. After counting down for so long, it is truly the last day for him. It feels as if he's leaving forever. Nobody knows what will happen later on. No one can predict the future. One thing for such is that it's never past 3 months. Now that i finally find one whihc could have last, he has to be forced away. Promised 3 things too easily. 1 of which i may achieve. 2 of which i may fail utterly. But i just know that i love him.

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #2 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #5 Match: ESFP

The Performer You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others.A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic.You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally.You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic. You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

Speaking of handicraft, my mom just bought me a necklace of intricate stars and such from shells. Nice. The workmanship is good but it must have been imported from Thailand. Not India like she said. And she could have give more discount instead of the pathetic $2 discount. Dragonlady didn't complain. Just paid the sum and gave me. Wow....


I did something for him! Manage to make it colourful if not nice...Whatever. He loves it. At least he can't get it anywhere. It's made from my hands. L~O~V~E is great. He'll be gone soon. My women, unit together to make my day.


"Give me some music; music, moody food
Of us that trade in love" - Cleopatra of Antony's absence.


"I laughed him out of patience; and that night
I laughed him into patience, and next morn,
Ere the ninth hour, I drunk him to his bed;
Then put my tires and mantles on him, whilst
I wore his sword Philippan."- Cleopatra of controlling Antony


Perfect quotes for us. Perfect meaning of our story.